白痴 英文版 The Idiot
陀思妥耶夫斯基 Fyodor Dostoyevsky
The Idiot IX. Page 2
"Yes--I dare say it is all as you say; I dare say you are quiteright," muttered the prince once more. "She is very sensitive andeasily put out, of course; but still, she..."
"She is worthy of sympathy? Is that what you wished to say, mygood fellow? But then, for the mere sake of vindicating herworthiness of sympathy, you should not have insulted and offendeda noble and generous girl in her presence! This is a terribleexaggeration of sympathy! How can you love a girl, and yet sohumiliate her as to throw her over for the sake of another woman,before the very eyes of that other woman, when you have alreadymade her a formal proposal of marriage? And you DID propose toher, you know; you did so before her parents and sisters. Can yoube an honest man, prince, if you act so? I ask you! And did younot deceive that beautiful girl when you assured her of yourlove?"
"Yes, you are quite right. Oh! I feel that I am very guilty!"said Muishkin, in deepest distress.
"But as if that is enough!" cried Evgenie, indignantly. "As if itis enough simply to say: 'I know I am very guilty!' You are toblame, and yet you persevere in evil-doing. Where was your heart,I should like to know, your CHRISTIAN HEART, all that time? Didshe look as though she were suffering less, at that moment? Yousaw her face--was she suffering less than the other woman? Howcould you see her suffering and allow it to continue? How couldyou?"
"But I did not allow it," murmured the wretched prince.
"How--what do you mean you didn't allow?"
"Upon my word, I didn't! To this moment I don't know how it allhappened. I--I ran after Aglaya Ivanovna, but Nastasia Philipovnafell down in a faint; and since that day they won't let me seeAglaya--that's all I know."
"It's all the same; you ought to have run after Aglaya though theother was fainting."
"Yes, yes, I ought--but I couldn't! She would have died--shewould have killed herself. You don't know her; and I should havetold Aglaya everything afterwards--but I see, Evgenie Pavlovitch,you don't know all. Tell me now, why am I not allowed to seeAglaya? I should have cleared it all up, you know. Neitherof them kept to the real point, you see. I could never explainwhat I mean to you, but I think I could to Aglaya. Oh! my God, myGod! You spoke just now of Aglaya's face at the moment when sheran away. Oh, my God! I remember it! Come along, come along--quick!" He pulled at Evgenie's coat-sleeve nervously andexcitedly, and rose from his chair.
"Where to?"
"Come to Aglaya--quick, quick!"
"But I told you she is not at Pavlofsk. And what would be the useif she were?"
"Oh, she'll understand, she'll understand!" cried the prince,clasping his hands. "She would understand that all this is notthe point--not a bit the real point--it is quite foreign to thereal question."
"How can it be foreign? You ARE going to be married, are you not?Very well, then you are persisting in your course. ARE you goingto marry her or not?"
this is notthe point--not a bit the real.
"Yes, I shall marry her--yes."
"Then why is it 'not the point'?"
"Oh, no, it is not the point, not a bit. It makes no difference,my marrying her--it means nothing."
"How 'means nothing'? You are talking nonsense, my friend. Youare marrying the woman you love in order to secure her happiness,and Aglaya sees and knows it. How can you say that it's 'not thepoint'?"
"Her happiness? Oh, no! I am only marrying her--well, because shewished it. It means nothing--it's all the same. She wouldcertainly have died. I see now that that marriage with Rogojinwas an insane idea. I understand all now that I did notunderstand before; and, do you know, when those two stoodopposite to one another, I could not bear Nastasia Philipovna'sface! You must know, Evgenie Pavlovitch, I have never told anyonebefore--not even Aglaya--that I cannot bear Nastasia Philipovna'sface." (He lowered his voice mysteriously as he said this.) Youdescribed that evening at Nastasia Philipovna's (six monthssince) very accurately just now; but there is one thing which youdid not mention, and of which you took no account, because you donot know. I mean her FACE--I looked at her face, you see. Even inthe morning when I saw her portrait, I felt that I could not BEARto look at it. Now, there's Vera Lebedeff, for instance, her eyesare quite different, you know. I'm AFRAID of her face!" he added,with real alarm.
"You are AFRAID of it?"
"Yes--she's mad!" he whispered, growing pale.
"Do you know this for certain?" asked Evgenie, with the greatestcuriosity.
"Yes, for certain--quite for certain, now! I have discovered itABSOLUTELY for certain, these last few days."
letter for me!"prince? The most probable !
"What are you doing, then?" cried Evgenie, in horror. "You mustbe marrying her solely out of FEAR, then! I can't make head ortail of it, prince. Perhaps you don't even love her?"
"And are you assured, at the same time, that you love Aglayatoo?"
foreign? You ARE going.
"Yes--yes--oh; yes!"
"How so? Do you want to make out that you love them BOTH?"
"Yes--yes--both! I do!"
"Excuse me, prince, but think what you are saying! Recollectyourself!"
"Without Aglaya--I--I MUST see Aglaya!--I shall die in my sleepvery soon--I thought I was dying in my sleep last night. Oh! ifAglaya only knew all--I mean really, REALLY all! Because she mustknow ALL--that's the first condition towards understanding. Whycannot we ever know all about another, especially when that otherhas been guilty? But I don't know what I'm talking about--I'm soconfused. You pained me so dreadfully. Surely--surely Aglaya hasnot the same expression now as she had at the moment when she ranaway? Oh, yes! I am guilty and I know it--I know it! Probably Iam in fault all round--I don't quite know how--but I am in fault,no doubt. There is something else, but I cannot explain it toyou, Evgenie Pavlovitch. I have no words; but Aglaya willunderstand. I have always believed Aglaya will understand--I amassured she will."
"No, prince, she will not. Aglaya loved like a woman, like ahuman being, not like an abstract spirit. Do you know what, mypoor prince? The most probable explanation of the matter is thatyou never loved either the one or the other in reality."
"I don't know--perhaps you are right in much that you have said,Evgenie Pavlovitch. You are very wise, Evgenie Pavlovitch--oh!how my head is beginning to ache again! Come to her, quick--forGod's sake, come!"
"But I tell you she is not in Pavlofsk! She's in Colmina."
"Oh, come to Colmina, then! Come--let us go at once!"
"No--no, impossible!" said Evgenie, rising.
"Look here--I'll write a letter--take a letter for me!"
"No--no, prince; you must forgive me, but I can't undertake anysuch commissions! I really can't."
And so they parted.
Evgenie Pavlovitch left the house with strange convictions. He,too, felt that the prince must be out of his mind.
understand all now that I did notunderstand?
"And what did he mean by that FACE--a face which he so fears, andyet so loves? And meanwhile he really may die, as he says,without seeing Aglaya, and she will never know how devotedly heloves her! Ha, ha, ha! How does the fellow manage to love two ofthem? Two different kinds of love, I suppose! This is veryinteresting--poor idiot! What on earth will become of him now?"