白痴 英文版 The Idiot
陀思妥耶夫斯基 Fyodor Dostoyevsky
The Idiot VIII. Page 2
Hippolyte went out.
There was no reason for the prince to set anyone to watch, evenif he had been capable of such a thing. Aglaya's command that heshould stay at home all day seemed almost explained now. Perhapsshe meant to call for him, herself, or it might be, of course,that she was anxious to make sure of his not coming there, andtherefore bade him remain at home. His head whirled; the wholeroom seemed to be turning round. He lay down on the sofa, andclosed his eyes.
One way or the other the question was to be decided at last--finally.
Oh, no, he did not think of Aglaya as a boarding-school miss, ora young lady of the conventional type! He had long since fearedthat she might take some such step as this. But why did she wishto see Nastasia?
He shivered all over as he lay; he was in high fever again.
No! he did not account her a child. Certain of her looks, certainof her words, of late, had filled him with apprehension. At timesit had struck him that she was putting too great a restraint uponherself, and he remembered that he had been alarmed to observethis. He had tried, all these days, to drive away the heavythoughts that oppressed him; but what was the hidden mystery ofthat soul? The question had long tormented him, although heimplicitly trusted that soul. And now it was all to be clearedup. It was a dreadful thought. And "that woman" again! Why did healways feel as though "that woman" were fated to appear at eachcritical moment of his life, and tear the thread of his destinylike a bit of rotten string? That he always HAD felt this he wasready to swear, although he was half delirious at the moment. Ifhe had tried to forget her, all this time, it was simply becausehe was afraid of her. Did he love the woman or hate her? Thisquestion he did not once ask himself today; his heart was quitepure. He knew whom he loved. He was not so much afraid of thismeeting, nor of its strangeness, nor of any reasons there mightbe for it, unknown to himself; he was afraid of the womanherself, Nastasia Philipovna. He remembered, some daysafterwards, how during all those fevered hours he had seen butHER eyes, HER look, had heard HER voice, strange words of hers;he remembered that this was so, although he could not recollectthe details of his thoughts.
He could remember that Vera brought him some dinner, and that hetook it; but whether he slept after dinner, or no, he could notrecollect.
He only knew that he began to distinguish things clearly from themoment when Aglaya suddenly appeared, and he jumped up from thesofa and went to meet her. It was just a quarter past seven then.
Aglaya was quite alone, and dressed, apparently hastily, in alight mantle. Her face was pale, as it had been in the morning,and her eyes were ablaze with bright but subdued fire. He hadnever seen that expression in her eyes before.
She gazed attentively at him.
Aglaya, pointing to Nastasia thewhile:momentarily at?
"You are quite ready, I observe," she said, with absolutecomposure, "dressed, and your hat in your hand. I see somebodyhas thought fit to warn you, and I know who. Hippolyte?"
"Yes, he told me," said the prince, feeling only half alive.
"Come then. You know, I suppose, that you must escort me there?You are well enough to go out, aren't you?"
"I am well enough; but is it really possible?--"
He broke off abruptly, and could not add another word. This washis one attempt to stop the mad child, and, after he had made it,he followed her as though he had no will of his own. Confused ashis thoughts were, he was, nevertheless, capable of realizing thefact that if he did not go with her, she would go alone, and sohe must go with her at all hazards. He guessed the strength ofher determination; it was beyond him to check it.
They walked silently, and said scarcely a word all the way. Heonly noticed that she seemed to know the road very well; andonce, when he thought it better to go by a certain lane, andremarked to her that it would be quieter and less public, sheonly said, "it's all the same," and went on.
When they were almost arrived at Daria Alexeyevna's house (it wasa large wooden structure of ancient date), a gorgeously-dressedlady and a young girl came out of it. Both these ladies tooktheir seats in a carriage, which was waiting at the door, talkingand laughing loudly the while, and drove away without appearingto notice the approaching couple.
No sooner had the carriage driven off than the door opened oncemore; and Rogojin, who had apparently been awaiting them, letthem in and closed it after them.
"There is not another soul in the house now excepting our fourselves," he said aloud, looking at the prince in a strange way.
Nastasia Philipovna was waiting for them in the first room theywent into. She was dressed very simply, in black.
She rose at their entrance, but did not smile or give her hand,even to the prince. Her anxious eyes were fixed upon Aglaya. Bothsat down, at a little distance from one another--Aglaya on thesofa, in the corner of the room, Nastasia by the window. Theprince and Rogojin remained standing, and were not invited tosit.
Muishkin glanced at Rogojin in perplexity, but the latter onlysmiled disagreeably, and said nothing. The silence continued forsome few moments.
An ominous expression passed over Nastasia Philipovna's face, ofa sudden. It became obstinate-looking, hard, and full of hatred;but she did not take her eyes off her visitors for a moment.
Aglaya was clearly confused, but not frightened. On entering shehad merely glanced momentarily at her rival, and then had satstill, with her eyes on the ground, apparently in thought. Onceor twice she glanced casually round the room. A shade of disgustwas visible in her expression; she looked as though she wereafraid of contamination in this place.
She mechanically arranged her dress, and fidgeted uncomfortably,eventually changing her seat to the other end of the sofa.Probably she was unconscious of her own movements; but this veryunconsciousness added to the offensiveness of their suggestedmeaning.
"You know of course why I requested this meeting?" she said atlast, quietly, and pausing twice in the delivery of this veryshort sentence.
"No--I know nothing about it," said Nastasia, drily and abruptly.
Aglaya blushed. Perhaps it struck her as very strange andimpossible that she should really be sitting here and waiting for"that woman's" reply to her question.
Aglaya stood and waited as though!
At the first sound of Nastasia's voice a shudder ran through herframe. Of course "that woman" observed and took in all this.
"You know quite well, but you are pretending to be ignorant,"said Aglaya, very low, with her eyes on the ground.
"Why should I?" asked Nastasia Philipovna, smiling slightly.
"You want to take advantage of my position, now that I am in yourhouse," continued Aglaya, awkwardly.
"For that position YOU are to blame and not I," said Nastasia,flaring up suddenly. "_I_ did not invite YOU, but you me; and tothis moment I am quite ignorant as to why I am thus honoured."
Aglaya raised her head haughtily.
"Restrain your tongue!" she said. "I did not come here to fightyou with your own weapons.
"Oh! then you did come 'to fight,' I may conclude? Dear me!--andI thought you were cleverer--"
They looked at one another with undisguised malice. One of thesewomen had written to the other, so lately, such letters as wehave seen; and it all was dispersed at their first meeting. Yetit appeared that not one of the four persons in the roomconsidered this in any degree strange.
The prince who, up to yesterday, would not have believed that hecould even dream of such an impossible scene as this, stood andlistened and looked on, and felt as though he had long foreseenit all. The most fantastic dream seemed suddenly to have beenmetamorphosed into the most vivid reality.
One of these women so despised the other, and so longed toexpress her contempt for her (perhaps she had only come for thatvery purpose, as Rogojin said next day), that howsoeverfantastical was the other woman, howsoever afflicted her spiritand disturbed her understanding, no preconceived idea of herscould possibly stand up against that deadly feminine contempt ofher rival. The prince felt sure that Nastasia would say nothingabout the letters herself; but he could judge by her flashingeyes and the expression of her face what the thought of thoseletters must be costing her at this moment. He would have givenhalf his life to prevent Aglaya from speaking of them. But Aglayasuddenly braced herself up, and seemed to master herself fully,all in an instant.
"You have not quite understood," she said. "I did not come toquarrel with you, though I do not like you. I came to speak toyou as... as one human being to another. I came with my mind madeup as to what I had to say to you, and I shall not change myintention, although you may misunderstand me. So much the worsefor you, not for myself! I wished to reply to all you havewritten to me and to reply personally, because I think that isthe more convenient way. Listen to my reply to all your letters.I began to be sorry for Prince Lef Nicolaievitch on the very dayI made his acquaintance, and when I heard--afterwards--of allthat took place at your house in the evening, I was sorry for himbecause he was such a simple-minded man, and because he, in thesimplicity of his soul, believed that he could be happy with awoman of your character. What I feared actually took place; youcould not love him, you tortured him, and threw him over. Youcould not love him because you are too proud--no, not proud, thatis an error; because you are too vain--no, not quite that either;too self-loving; you are self-loving to madness. Your letters tome are a proof of it. You could not love so simple a soul as his,and perhaps in your heart you despised him and laughed at him.All you could love was your shame and the perpetual thought thatyou were disgraced and insulted. If you were less shameful, orhad no cause at all for shame, you would be still more unhappythan you are now.
Aglaya brought out these thronging words with great satisfaction.They came from her lips hurriedly and impetuously, and had beenprepared and thought out long ago, even before she had everdreamed of the present meeting. She watched with eagerness theeffect of her speech as shown in Nastasia's face, which wasdistorted with agitation.
"You remember," she continued, "he wrote me a letter at thattime; he says you know all about that letter and that you evenread it. I understand all by means of this letter, and understandit correctly. He has since confirmed it all to me--what I now sayto you, word for word. After receiving his letter I waited; Iguessed that you would soon come back here, because you couldnever do without Petersburg; you are still too young and lovelyfor the provinces. However, this is not my own idea," she added,blushing dreadfully; and from this moment the colour never lefther cheeks to the end of her speech. When I next saw the prince Ibegan to feel terribly pained and hurt on his account. Do notlaugh; if you laugh you are unworthy of understanding what Isay."
"Surely you see that I am not laughing," said Nastasia, sadly andsternly.
"However, it's all the same to me; laugh or not, just as youplease. When I asked him about you, he told me that he had longsince ceased to love you, that the very recollection of you was atorture to him, but that he was sorry for you; and that when hethought of you his heart was pierced. I ought to tell you that Inever in my life met a man anything like him for noble simplicityof mind and for boundless trustfulness. I guessed that anyone wholiked could deceive him, and that he would immediately forgiveanyone who did deceive him; and it was for this that I grew tolove him--"
Aglaya paused for a moment, as though suddenly brought up inastonishment that she could have said these words, but at thesame time a great pride shone in her eyes, like a defiantassertion that it would not matter to her if "this woman" laughedin her face for the admission just made.
"I have told you all now, and of course you understand what Iwish of you."
"Perhaps I do; but tell me yourself," said Nastasia Philipovna,quietly.
hates you," murmured Aglaya,scarcely audibly.the question was!
Aglaya flushed up angrily.
"I wished to find out from you," she said, firmly, "by what rightyou dare to meddle with his feelings for me? By what right youdared send me those letters? By what right do you continuallyremind both me and him that you love him, after you yourselfthrew him over and ran away from him in so insulting and shamefula way?"
"I never told either him or you that I loved him!" repliedNastasia Philipovna, with an effort. "And--and I did run awayfrom him--you are right there," she added, scarcely audibly.
"Never told either him or me?" cried Aglaya. "How about yourletters? Who asked you to try to persuade me to marry him? Wasnot that a declaration from you? Why do you force yourself uponus in this way? I confess I thought at first that you wereanxious to arouse an aversion for him in my heart by yourmeddling, in order that I might give him up; and it was onlyafterwards that I guessed the truth. You imagined that you weredoing an heroic action! How could you spare any love for him,when you love your own vanity to such an extent? Why could younot simply go away from here, instead of writing me those absurdletters? Why do you not NOW marry that generous man who lovesyou, and has done you the honour of offering you his hand? It isplain enough why; if you marry Rogojin you lose your grievance;you will have nothing more to complain of. You will be receivingtoo much honour. Evgenie Pavlovitch was saying the other day thatyou had read too many poems and are too well educated for--yourposition; and that you live in idleness. Add to this your vanity,and, there you have reason enough--"
"And do you not live in idleness?"
Things had come to this unexpected point too quickly. Unexpectedbecause Nastasia Philipovna, on her way to Pavlofsk, had thoughtand considered a good deal, and had expected something different,though perhaps not altogether good, from this interview; butAglaya had been carried away by her own outburst, just as arolling stone gathers impetus as it careers downhill, and couldnot restrain herself in the satisfaction of revenge.
It was strange, Nastasia Philipovna felt, to see Aglaya likethis. She gazed at her, and could hardly believe her eyes andears for a moment or two.
Whether she were a woman who had read too many poems, as EvgeniePavlovitch supposed, or whether she were mad, as the prince hadassured Aglaya, at all events, this was a woman who, in spite ofher occasionally cynical and audacious manner, was far morerefined and trustful and sensitive than appeared. There was acertain amount of romantic dreaminess and caprice in her, butwith the fantastic was mingled much that was strong and deep.
The prince realized this, and great suffering expressed itself inhis face.
Aglaya observed it, and trembled with anger.
"How dare you speak so to me?" she said, with a haughtiness whichwas quite indescribable, replying to Nastasia's last remark.
"You must have misunderstood what I said," said Nastasia, in somesurprise.
"If you wished to preserve your good name, why did you not giveup your--your 'guardian,' Totski, without all that theatricalposturing?" said Aglaya, suddenly a propos of nothing.
"What do you know of my position, that you dare to judge me?"cried Nastasia, quivering with rage, and growing terribly white.
"I know this much, that you did not go out to honest work, butwent away with a rich man, Rogojin, in order to pose as a fallenangel. I don't wonder that Totski was nearly driven to suicide bysuch a fallen angel."
"Silence!" cried Nastasia Philipovna. "You are about as fit tounderstand me as the housemaid here, who bore witness against herlover in court the other day. She would understand me better thanyou do."
"Probably an honest girl living by her own toil. Why do you speakof a housemaid so contemptuously?"
"I do not despise toil; I despise you when you speak of toil."
"If you had cared to be an honest woman, you would have gone outas a laundress."
Both had risen, and were gazing at one another with pallid faces.
"Aglaya, don't! This is unfair," cried the prince, deeplydistressed.
Rogojin was not smiling now; he sat and listened with foldedarms, and lips tight compressed.
"There, look at her," cried Nastasia, trembling with passion."Look at this young lady! And I imagined her an angel! Did youcome to me without your governess, Aglaya Ivanovna? Oh, fie, nowshall I just tell you why you came here today? Shall I tell youwithout any embellishments? You came because you were afraid ofme!"
"Afraid of YOU?" asked Aglaya, beside herself with naiveamazement that the other should dare talk to her like this.
"Yes, me, of course! Of course you were afraid of me, or youwould not have decided to come. You cannot despise one you fear.And to think that I have actually esteemed you up to this verymoment! Do you know why you are afraid of me, and what is yourobject now? You wished to satisfy yourself with your own eyes asto which he loves best, myself or you, because you are fearfullyjealous."
"He has told me already that he hates you," murmured Aglaya,scarcely audibly.
"Perhaps, perhaps! I am not worthy of him, I know. But I thinkyou are lying, all the same. He cannot hate me, and he cannothave said so. I am ready to forgive you, in consideration of yourposition; but I confess I thought better of you. I thought youwere wiser, and more beautiful, too; I did, indeed! Well, takeyour treasure! See, he is gazing at you, he can't recollecthimself. Take him, but on one condition; go away at once, thisinstant!"
She fell back into a chair, and burst into tears. But suddenlysome new expression blazed in her eyes. She stared fixedly atAglaya, and rose from her seat.
"Or would you like me to bid him, BID HIM, do you hear, COMMANDHIM, now, at once, to throw you up, and remain mine for ever?Shall I? He will stay, and he will marry me too, and you shalltrot home all alone. Shall I?--shall I say the word?" shescreamed like a madwoman, scarcely believing herself that shecould really pronounce such wild words.
Aglaya had made for the door in terror, but she stopped at thethreshold, and listened. "Shall I turn Rogojin off? Ha! ha! youthought I would marry him for your benefit, did you? Why, I'llcall out NOW, if you like, in your presence, 'Rogojin, get out!'and say to the prince, 'Do you remember what you promised me?'Heavens! what a fool I have been to humiliate myself before them!Why, prince, you yourself gave me your word that you would marryme whatever happened, and would never abandon me. You said youloved me and would forgive me all, and--and resp--yes, you evensaid that! I only ran away from you in order to set you free, andnow I don't care to let you go again. Why does she treat me so--so shamefully? I am not a loose woman--ask Rogojin there! He'lltell you. Will you go again now that she has insulted me, beforeyour eyes, too; turn away from me and lead her away, arm-in-arm?May you be accursed too, for you were the only one I trustedamong them all! Go away, Rogojin, I don't want you," shecontinued, blind with fury, and forcing the words out with drylips and distorted features, evidently not believing a singleword of her own tirade, but, at the same time, doing her utmostto prolong the moment of self-deception.
The outburst was so terribly violent that the prince thought itwould have killed her.
"There he is!" she shrieked again, pointing to the prince andaddressing Aglaya. "There he is! and if he does not approach meat once and take ME and throw you over, then have him for yourown--I give him up to you! I don't want him!"
Both she and Aglaya stood and waited as though in expectation,and both looked at the prince like madwomen.
But he, perhaps, did not understand the full force of thischallenge; in fact, it is certain he did not. All he could seewas the poor despairing face which, as he had said to Aglaya,"had pierced his heart for ever."
He could bear it no longer, and with a look of entreaty, mingledwith reproach, he addressed Aglaya, pointing to Nastasia thewhile:
"How can you?" he murmured; "she is so unhappy."
But he had no time to say another word before. Aglaya's terriblelook bereft him of speech. In that look was embodied so dreadfula suffering and so deadly a hatred, that he gave a cry and flewto her; but it was too late.
She could not hold out long enough even to witness his movementin her direction. She had hidden her face in her hands, criedonce " Oh, my God!" and rushed out of the room. Rogojin followedher to undo the bolts of the door and let her out into thestreet.
The prince made a rush after her, but he, was caught and heldback. The distorted, livid face of Nastasia gazed at himreproachfully, and her blue lips whispered:
"What? Would you go to her--to her?"
She fell senseless into his arms.
He raised her, carried her into the room, placed her in an arm-chair, and stood over her, stupefied. On the table stood atumbler of water. Rogojin, who now returned, took this andsprinkled a little in her face. She opened her eyes, but for amoment she understood nothing.
Suddenly she looked around, shuddered, gave a loud cry, and threwherself in the prince's arms.
"Mine, mine!" she cried. "Has the proud young lady gone? Ha, ha,ha!" she laughed hysterically. "And I had given him up to her!Why--why did I? Mad--mad! Get away, Rogojin! Ha, ha, ha!"
Rogojin stared intently at them; then he took his hat, andwithout a word, left the room.
A few moments later, the prince was seated by Nastasia on thesofa, gazing into her eyes and stroking her face and hair, as hewould a little child's. He laughed when she laughed, and wasready to cry when she cried. He did not speak, but listened toher excited, disconnected chatter, hardly understanding a word ofit the while. No sooner did he detect the slightest appearance ofcomplaining, or weeping, or reproaching, than he would smile ather kindly, and begin stroking her hair and her cheeks, soothingand consoling her once more, as if she were a child.