白痴 英文版 The Idiot
陀思妥耶夫斯基 Fyodor Dostoyevsky
The Idiot VIII. Page 2
"Because I know all, all--and that is why I speak so. I know verywell how you--half a year since--offered her your hand beforeeverybody. Don't interrupt me. You see, I am merely stating factswithout any comment upon them. After that she ran away withRogojin. Then you lived with her at some village or town, and sheran away from you." (Aglaya blushed dreadfully.) "Then shereturned to Rogojin again, who loves her like a madman. Then you--like a wise man as you are--came back here after her as soon asever you heard that she had returned to Petersburg. Yesterdayevening you sprang forward to protect her, and just now youdreamed about her. You see, I know all. You did come back herefor her, for her--now didn't you?"
"Yes--for her!" said the prince softly and sadly, and bending hishead down, quite unconscious of the fact that Aglaya was gazingat him with eyes which burned like live coals. "I came to findout something--I don't believe in her future happiness asRogojin's wife, although--in a word, I did not know how to helpher or what to do for her--but I came, on the chance."
He glanced at Aglaya, who was listening with a look of hatred onher face.
"If you came without knowing why, I suppose you love her verymuch indeed!" she said at last.
"No," said the prince, "no, I do not love her. Oh! if you onlyknew with what horror I recall the time I spent with her!"
A shudder seemed to sweep over his whole body at therecollection.
"Tell me about it," said Aglaya.
"There is nothing which you might not hear. Why I should wish totell you, and only you, this experience of mine, I really cannotsay; perhaps it really is because I love you very much. Thisunhappy woman is persuaded that she is the most hopeless, fallencreature in the world. Oh, do not condemn her! Do not cast stonesat her! She has suffered too much already in the consciousness ofher own undeserved shame.
"And she is not guilty--oh God!--Every moment she bemoans andbewails herself, and cries out that she does not admit any guilt,that she is the victim of circumstances--the victim of a wickedlibertine.
"But whatever she may say, remember that she does not believe itherself,--remember that she will believe nothing but that she isa guilty creature.
"When I tried to rid her soul of this gloomy fallacy, shesuffered so terribly that my heart will never be quite at peaceso long as I can remember that dreadful time!--Do you know whyshe left me? Simply to prove to me what is not true--that she isbase. But the worst of it is, she did not realize herself thatthat was all she wanted to prove by her departure! She went awayin response to some inner prompting to do something disgraceful,in order that she might say to herself--'There--you've done a newact of shame--you degraded creature!'
"Oh, Aglaya--perhaps you cannot understand all this. Try torealize that in the perpetual admission of guilt she probablyfinds some dreadful unnatural satisfaction--as though she wererevenging herself upon someone.
"Now and then I was able to persuade her almost to see lightaround her again; but she would soon fall, once more, into herold tormenting delusions, and would go so far as to reproach mefor placing myself on a pedestal above her (I never had an ideaof such a thing!), and informed me, in reply to my proposal ofmarriage, that she 'did not want condescending sympathy or helpfrom anybody.' You saw her last night. You don't suppose she canbe happy among such people as those--you cannot suppose that suchsociety is fit for her? You have no idea how well-educated sheis, and what an intellect she has! She astonished me sometimes."
"And you preached her sermons there, did you?"
"Oh no," continued the prince thoughtfully, not noticing Aglaya'smocking tone, "I was almost always silent there. I often wishedto speak, but I really did not know what to say. In some cases itis best to say nothing, I think. I loved her, yes, I loved hervery much indeed; but afterwards--afterwards she guessed all."
"What did she guess?"
"That I only PITIED her--and--and loved her no longer!"
"How do you know that? How do you know that she is not really inlove with that--that rich cad--the man she eloped with?"
"Oh no! I know she only laughs at him; she has made a fool of himall along."
"Has she never laughed at you?"
andpacify her. Why, you love.
"No--in anger, perhaps. Oh yes! she reproached me dreadfully inanger; and suffered herself, too! But afterwards--oh! don'tremind me--don't remind me of that!"
He hid his face in his hands.
"Are you aware that she writes to me almost every day?"
"So that is true, is it?" cried the prince, greatly agitated."I had heard a report of it, but would not believe it."
"Whom did you hear it from?" asked Aglaya, alarmed. "Rogojin saidsomething about it yesterday, but nothing definite."
"Yesterday! Morning or evening? Before the music or after?"
"After--it was about twelve o'clock."
"Ah! Well, if it was Rogojin--but do you know what she writes tome about?"
"I should not be surprised by anything. She is mad!"
"There are the letters." (Aglaya took three letters out of herpocket and threw them down before the prince.) "For a whole weekshe has been entreating and worrying and persuading me to marryyou. She--well, she is clever, though she may be mad--muchcleverer than I am, as you say. Well, she writes that she is inlove with me herself, and tries to see me every day, if only froma distance. She writes that you love me, and that she has longknown it and seen it, and that you and she talked about me--there. She wishes to see you happy, and she says that she iscertain only I can ensure you the happiness you deserve. Shewrites such strange, wild letters--I haven't shown them toanyone. Now, do you know what all this means? Can you guessanything?"
"It is madness--it is merely another proof of her insanity!" saidthe prince, and his lips trembled.
"You are crying, aren't you?"
"No, Aglaya. No, I'm not crying." The prince looked at her.
"Well, what am I to do? What do you advise me? I cannot go onreceiving these letters, you know."
"Oh, let her alone, I entreat you!" cried the prince. What canyou do in this dark, gloomy mystery? Let her alone, and I'll useall my power to prevent her writing you any more letters."
"If so, you are a heartless man!" cried Aglaya. As if you can'tsee that it is not myself she loves, but you, you, and only you!Surely you have not remarked everything else in her, and only notTHIS? Do you know what these letters mean? They mean jealousy,sir--nothing but pure jealousy! She--do you think she will everreally marry this Rogojin, as she says here she will? She wouldtake her own life the day after you and I were married."
guess?"for her sake?" Aglaya's voice trembled.Aglaya.
The prince shuddered; his heart seemed to freeze within him. Hegazed at Aglaya in wonderment; it was difficult for him torealize that this child was also a woman.
"God knows, Aglaya, that to restore her peace of mind and makeher happy I would willingly give up my life. But I cannot loveher, and she knows that."
"Oh, make a sacrifice of yourself! That sort of thing becomes youwell, you know. Why not do it? And don't call me 'Aglaya'; youhave done it several times lately. You are bound, it is your DUTYto 'raise' her; you must go off somewhere again to soothe andpacify her. Why, you love her, you know!"
"I cannot sacrifice myself so, though I admit I did wish to do soonce. Who knows, perhaps I still wish to! But I know for CERTAIN,that if she married me it would be her ruin; I know this andtherefore I leave her alone. I ought to go to see her today; nowI shall probably not go. She is proud, she would never forgive methe nature of the love I bear her, and we should both be ruined.This may be unnatural, I don't know; but everything seemsunnatural. You say she loves me, as if this were LOVE! As if shecould love ME, after what I have been through! No, no, it is notlove."
"How pale you have grown!" cried Aglaya in alarm.
Oh, it's nothing. I haven't slept, that's all, and I'm rathertired. I--we certainly did talk about you, Aglaya."
"Oh, indeed, it is true then! YOU COULD ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT MEWITH HER; and--and how could you have been fond of me when youhad only seen me once?"
"I don't know. Perhaps it was that I seemed to come upon light inthe midst of my gloom. I told you the truth when I said I did notknow why I thought of you before all others. Of course it was alla sort of dream, a dream amidst the horrors of reality.Afterwards I began to work. I did not intend to come back herefor two or three years--"
"Then you came for her sake?" Aglaya's voice trembled.
"Yes, I came for her sake."
suffered herself, too.
There was a moment or two of gloomy silence. Aglaya rose from herseat.
"If you say," she began in shaky tones, "if you say that thiswoman of yours is mad--at all events I have nothing to do withher insane fancies. Kindly take these three letters, LefNicolaievitch, and throw them back to her, from me. And if shedares," cried Aglaya suddenly, much louder than before, "if shedares so much as write me one word again, tell her I shall tellmy father, and that she shall be taken to a lunatic asylum."
The prince jumped up in alarm at Aglaya's sudden wrath, and amist seemed to come before his eyes.
"You cannot really feel like that! You don't mean what you say.It is not true," he murmured.
"It IS true, it IS true," cried Aglaya, almost beside herselfwith rage.
"What's true? What's all this? What's true?" said an alarmedvoice just beside them.
Before them stood Lizabetha Prokofievna.
"Why, it's true that I am going to marry Gavrila Ardalionovitch,that I love him and intend to elope with him tomorrow," criedAglaya, turning upon her mother. "Do you hear? Is your curiositysatisfied? Are you pleased with what you have heard?"
Aglaya rushed away homewards with these words.
"H'm! well, YOU are not going away just yet, my friend, at allevents," said Lizabetha, stopping the prince. "Kindly step homewith me, and let me have a little explanation of the mystery.Nice goings on, these! I haven't slept a wink all night as itis."
The prince followed her.