白痴 英文版 The Idiot
陀思妥耶夫斯基 Fyodor Dostoyevsky
The Idiot VIII. Page 1
SHE laughed, but she was rather angry too.
"He's asleep! You were asleep," she said, with contemptuoussurprise.
"Is it really you?" muttered the prince, not quite himself asyet, and recognizing her with a start of amazement. "Oh yes, ofcourse," he added, "this is our rendezvous. I fell asleep here."
"So I saw."
"Did no one awake me besides yourself? Was there no one elsehere? I thought there was another woman."
"There was another woman here?"
At last he was wide awake.
"It was a dream, of course," he said, musingly. "Strange that Ishould have a dream like that at such a moment. Sit down--"
He took her hand and seated her on the bench; then sat downbeside her and reflected.
Aglaya did not begin the conversation, but contented herself withwatching her companion intently.
He looked back at her, but at times it was clear that he did notsee her and was not thinking of her.
Aglaya began to flush up.
"Oh yes!" cried the prince, starting. "Hippolyte's suicide--"
woman here?"? How could you sleep hereafter that?" she.
"What? At your house?" she asked, but without much surprise. "Hewas alive yesterday evening, wasn't he? How could you sleep hereafter that?" she cried, growing suddenly animated.
"Oh, but he didn't kill himself; the pistol didn't go off."Aglaya insisted on hearing the whole story. She hurried theprince along, but interrupted him with all sorts of questions,nearly all of which were irrelevant. Among other things, sheseemed greatly interested in every word that Evgenie Pavlovitchhad said, and made the prince repeat that part of the story overand over again.
"Well, that'll do; we must be quick," she concluded, afterhearing all. "We have only an hour here, till eight; I must behome by then without fail, so that they may not find out that Icame and sat here with you; but I've come on business. I have agreat deal to say to you. But you have bowled me overconsiderably with your news. As to Hippolyte, I think his pistolwas bound not to go off; it was more consistent with the wholeaffair. Are you sure he really wished to blow his brains out, andthat there was no humbug about the matter?"
"No humbug at all."
"Very likely. So he wrote that you were to bring me a copy of hisconfession, did he? Why didn't you bring it?"
"Why, he didn't die! I'll ask him for it, if you like."
"Bring it by all means; you needn't ask him. He will bedelighted, you may be sure; for, in all probability, he shot athimself simply in order that I might read his confession. Don'tlaugh at what I say, please, Lef Nicolaievitch, because it mayvery well be the case."
"I'm not laughing. I am convinced, myself, that that may havebeen partly the reason.
"You are convinced? You don't really mean to say you think thathonestly?" asked Aglaya, extremely surprised.
She put her questions very quickly and talked fast, every now andthen forgetting what she had begun to say, and not finishing hersentence. She seemed to be impatient to warn the prince aboutsomething or other. She was in a state of unusual excitement, andthough she put on a brave and even defiant air, she seemed to berather alarmed. She was dressed very simply, but this suited herwell. She continually trembled and blushed, and she sat on thevery edge of the seat.
The fact that the prince confirmed her idea, about Hippolyteshooting himself that she might read his confession, surprisedher greatly.
"Of course," added the prince, "he wished us all to applaud hisconduct--besides yourself."
"How do you mean--applaud?"
"Well--how am I to explain? He was very anxious that we shouldall come around him, and say we were so sorry for him, and thatwe loved him very much, and all that; and that we hoped hewouldn't kill himself, but remain alive. Very likely he thoughtmore of you than the rest of us, because he mentioned you at sucha moment, though perhaps he did not know himself that he had youin his mind's eye."
"I don't understand you. How could he have me in view, and not beaware of it himself? And yet, I don't know--perhaps I do. Do youknow I have intended to poison myself at least thirty times--eversince I was thirteen or so--and to write to my parents before Idid it? I used to think how nice it would be to lie in my coffin,and have them all weeping over me and saying it was all theirfault for being so cruel, and all that--what are you smiling at?"she added, knitting her brow. "What do YOU think of when you gomooning about alone? I suppose you imagine yourself a field-marshal, and think you have conquered Napoleon?"
"Well, I really have thought something of the sort now and then,especially when just dozing off," laughed the prince. "Only it isthe Austrians whom I conquer--not Napoleon."
"I don't wish to joke with you, Lef Nicolaievitch. I shall seeHippolyte myself. Tell him so. As for you, I think you arebehaving very badly, because it is not right to judge a man'ssoul as you are judging Hippolyte's. You have no gentleness, butonly justice--so you are unjust."
The prince reflected.
"I think you are unfair towards me," he said. "There is nothingwrong in the thoughts I ascribe to Hippolyte; they are onlynatural. But of course I don't know for certain what he thought.Perhaps he thought nothing, but simply longed to see human facesonce more, and to hear human praise and feel human affection. Whoknows? Only it all came out wrong, somehow. Some people haveluck, and everything comes out right with them; others have none,and never a thing turns out fortunately."
"I suppose you have felt that in your own case," said Aglaya.
"Yes, I have," replied the prince, quite unsuspicious of anyirony in the remark.
"H'm--well, at all events, I shouldn't have fallen asleep here,in your place. It wasn't nice of you, that. I suppose you fallasleep wherever you sit down?"
"But I didn't sleep a wink all night. I walked and walked about,and went to where the music was--"
"What music?"
"Where they played last night. Then I found this bench and satdown, and thought and thought--and at last I fell fast asleep."
"Oh, is that it? That makes a difference, perhaps. What did yougo to the bandstand for?"
"I don't know; I---"
"Very well--afterwards. You are always interrupting me. Whatwoman was it you were dreaming about?"
"It was--about--you saw her--"
"Quite so; I understand. I understand quite well. You are very--Well, how did she appear to you? What did she look like? No, Idon't want to know anything about her," said Aglaya, angrily;"don't interrupt me--"
She paused a moment as though getting breath, or trying to masterher feeling of annoyance.
"Look here; this is what I called you here for. I wish to makeyou a--to ask you to be my friend. What do you stare at me likethat for?" she added, almost angrily.
The prince certainly had darted a rather piercing look at her,and now observed that she had begun to blush violently. At suchmoments, the more Aglaya blushed, the angrier she grew withherself; and this was clearly expressed in her eyes, whichflashed like fire. As a rule, she vented her wrath on herunfortunate companion, be it who it might. She was very consciousof her own shyness, and was not nearly so talkative as hersisters for this reason--in fact, at times she was much tooquiet. When, therefore, she was bound to talk, especially at suchdelicate moments as this, she invariably did so with an air ofhaughty defiance. She always knew beforehand when she was goingto blush, long before the blush came.
"Perhaps you do not wish to accept my proposition?" she asked,gazing haughtily at the prince.
joke with you, Lef Nicolaievitch. I shall.
"Oh yes, I do; but it is so unnecessary. I mean, I did not thinkyou need make such a proposition," said the prince, lookingconfused.
"What did you suppose, then? Why did you think I invited you outhere? I suppose you think me a 'little fool,' as they all call meat home?"
"I didn't know they called you a fool. I certainly don't thinkyou one."
"You don't think me one! Oh, dear me!--that's very clever of you;you put it so neatly, too."
"In my opinion, you are far from a fool sometimes--in fact, youare very intelligent. You said a very clever thing just now aboutmy being unjust because I had ONLY justice. I shall rememberthat, and think about it."
bandstand for?"like ?
Aglaya blushed with pleasure. All these changes in her expressioncame about so naturally and so rapidly--they delighted theprince; he watched her, and laughed.
"Listen," she began again; "I have long waited to tell you allthis, ever since the time when you sent me that letter--evenbefore that. Half of what I have to say you heard yesterday. Iconsider you the most honest and upright of men--more honest andupright than any other man; and if anybody says that your mindis--is sometimes affected, you know--it is unfair. I always sayso and uphold it, because even if your surface mind be a littleaffected (of course you will not feel angry with me for talkingso--I am speaking from a higher point of view) yet your real mindis far better than all theirs put together. Such a mind as theyhave never even DREAMED of; because really, there are TWO minds--the kind that matters, and the kind that doesn't matter. Isn't itso?"
"May be! may be so!" said the prince, faintly; his heart wasbeating painfully.
"I knew you would not misunderstand me," she said, triumphantly."Prince S. and Evgenie Pavlovitch and Alexandra don't understandanything about these two kinds of mind, but, just fancy, mammadoes!"
"You are very like Lizabetha Prokofievna."
"What! surely not?" said Aglaya.
"Yes, you are, indeed."
"Thank you; I am glad to be like mamma," she said, thoughtfully."You respect her very much, don't you?" she added, quiteunconscious of the naiveness of the question.
"VERY much; and I am so glad that you have realized the fact."
"I am very glad, too, because she is often laughed at by people.But listen to the chief point. I have long thought over thematter, and at last I have chosen you. I don't wish people tolaugh at me; I don't wish people to think me a 'little fool.' Idon't want to be chaffed. I felt all this of a sudden, and Irefused Evgenie Pavlovitch flatly, because I am not going to beforever thrown at people's heads to be married. I want--I want--well, I'll tell you, I wish to run away from home, and I havechosen you to help me."
"Run away from home?" cried the prince.
"Yes--yes--yes! Run away from home!" she repeated, in a transportof rage. "I won't, I won't be made to blush every minute by themall! I don't want to blush before Prince S. or EvgeniePavlovitch, or anyone, and therefore I have chosen you. I shalltell you everything, EVERYTHING, even the most important thingsof all, whenever I like, and you are to hide nothing from me onyour side. I want to speak to at least one person, as I would tomyself. They have suddenly begun to say that I am waiting foryou, and in love with you. They began this before you arrivedhere, and so I didn't show them the letter, and now they all sayit, every one of them. I want to be brave, and be afraid ofnobody. I don't want to go to their balls and things--I want todo good. I have long desired to run away, for I have been keptshut up for twenty years, and they are always trying to marry meoff. I wanted to run away when I was fourteen years old--I was alittle fool then, I know--but now I have worked it all out, and Ihave waited for you to tell me about foreign countries. I havenever seen a single Gothic cathedral. I must go to Rome; I mustsee all the museums; I must study in Paris. All this last year Ihave been preparing and reading forbidden books. Alexandra andAdelaida are allowed to read anything they like, but I mayn't. Idon't want to quarrel with my sisters, but I told my parents longago that I wish to change my social position. I have decided totake up teaching, and I count on you because you said you lovedchildren. Can we go in for education together--if not at once,then afterwards? We could do good together. I won't be ageneral's daughter any more! Tell me, are you a very learnedman?"
"Oh no; not at all."
"Oh-h-h! I'm sorry for that. I thought you were. I wonder why Ialways thought so--but at all events you'll help me, won't you?Because I've chosen you, you know."
"Aglaya Ivanovna, it's absurd."
But I will, I WILL run away!" she cried--and her eyes flashedagain with anger--"and if you don't agree I shall go and marryGavrila Ardalionovitch! I won't be considered a horrible girl,and accused of goodness knows what."
"Are you out of your mind?" cried the prince, almost startingfrom his seat. "What do they accuse you of? Who accuses you?"
"At home, everybody, mother, my sisters, Prince S., even thatdetestable Colia! If they don't say it, they think it. I toldthem all so to their faces. I told mother and father andeverybody. Mamma was ill all the day after it, and next dayfather and Alexandra told me that I didn't understand whatnonsense I was talking. I informed them that they little knew me--I was not a small child--I understood every word in the language--that I had read a couple of Paul de Kok's novels two years sinceon purpose, so as to know all about everything. No sooner didmamma hear me say this than she nearly fainted!"
A strange thought passed through the prince's brain; he gazedintently at Aglaya and smiled.
He could not believe that this was the same haughty young girlwho had once so proudly shown him Gania's letter. He could notunderstand how that proud and austere beauty could show herselfto be such an utter child--a child who probably did not even nowunderstand some words.
"Have you always lived at home, Aglaya Ivanovna?" he asked. "Imean, have you never been to school, or college, or anything?"
"No--never--nowhere! I've been at home all my life, corked up ina bottle; and they expect me to be married straight out of it.What are you laughing at again? I observe that you, too, havetaken to laughing at me, and range yourself on their side againstme," she added, frowning angrily. "Don't irritate me--I'm badenough without that--I don't know what I am doing sometimes. I ampersuaded that you came here today in the full belief that I amin love with you, and that I arranged this meeting because ofthat," she cried, with annoyance.
"I admit I was afraid that that was the case, yesterday,"blundered the prince (he was rather confused), "but today I amquite convinced that "
"How?" cried Aglaya--and her lower lip trembled violently. "Youwere AFRAID that I--you dared to think that I--good gracious! yoususpected, perhaps, that I sent for you to come here in order tocatch you in a trap, so that they should find us here together,and make you marry me--"
"Aglaya Ivanovna, aren't you ashamed of saying such a thing? Howcould such a horrible idea enter your sweet, innocent heart? I amcertain you don't believe a word of what you say, and probablyyou don't even know what you are talking about."
Aglaya sat with her eyes on the ground; she seemed to havealarmed even herself by what she had said.
"No, I'm not; I'm not a bit ashamed!" she murmured. "And how doyou know my heart is innocent? And how dared you send me a love--letter that time?"
"LOVE-LETTER? My letter a love-letter? That letter was the mostrespectful of letters; it went straight from my heart, at whatwas perhaps the most painful moment of my life! I thought of youat the time as a kind of light. I--"
"Well, very well, very well!" she said, but quite in a differenttone. She was remorseful now, and bent forward to touch hisshoulder, though still trying not to look him in the face, as ifthe more persuasively to beg him not to be angry with her. "Verywell," she continued, looking thoroughly ashamed of herself, "Ifeel that I said a very foolish thing. I only did it just to tryyou. Take it as unsaid, and if I offended you, forgive me. Don'tlook straight at me like that, please; turn your head away. Youcalled it a 'horrible idea'; I only said it to shock you. Veryoften I am myself afraid of saying what I intend to say, and outit comes all the same. You have just told me that you wrote thatletter at the most painful moment of your life. I know whatmoment that was!" she added softly, looking at the ground again.
"Oh, if you could know all!"
"I DO know all!" she cried, with another burst of indignation."You were living in the same house as that horrible woman withwhom you ran away." She did not blush as she said this; on thecontrary, she grew pale, and started from her seat, apparentlyoblivious of what she did, and immediately sat down again. Herlip continued to tremble for a long time.
There was silence for a moment. The prince was taken aback by thesuddenness of this last reply, and did not know to what he shouldattribute it.
"I don't love you a bit!" she said suddenly, just as though thewords had exploded from her mouth.
The prince did not answer, and there was silence again. "I loveGavrila Ardalionovitch," she said, quickly; but hardly audibly,and with her head bent lower than ever.
"That is NOT true," said the prince, in an equally low voice.
passed through the prince's brain; he gazedintently!
"What! I tell stories, do I? It is true! I gave him my promise acouple of days ago on this very seat."
The prince was startled, and reflected for a moment.
"It is not true," he repeated, decidedly; "you have just inventedit!"
"You are wonderfully polite. You know he is greatly improved. Heloves me better than his life. He let his hand burn before myvery eyes in order to prove to me that he loved me better thanhis life!"
"He burned his hand!"
"Yes, believe it or not! It's all the same to me!"
The prince sat silent once more. Aglaya did not seem to bejoking; she was too angry for that.
"What! he brought a candle with him to this place? That is, ifthe episode happened here; otherwise I can't "
"Yes, a candle! What's there improbable about that?"
"A whole one, and in a candlestick?"
"Yes--no-half a candle--an end, you know--no, it was a wholecandle; it's all the same. Be quiet, can't you! He brought a boxof matches too, if you like, and then lighted the candle and heldhis finger in it for half an hour and more!--There! Can't thatbe?"
"I saw him yesterday, and his fingers were all right!"
Aglaya suddenly burst out laughing, as simply as a child.
"Do you know why I have just told you these lies?" She appealedto the prince, of a sudden, with the most childlike candour, andwith the laugh still trembling on her lips. "Because when onetells a lie, if one insists on something unusual and eccentric--something too 'out of the way'' for anything, you know--the moreimpossible the thing is, the more plausible does the lie sound.I've noticed this. But I managed it badly; I didn't know how towork it." She suddenly frowned again at this point as though atsome sudden unpleasant recollection.
"If"--she began, looking seriously and even sadly at him-- "ifwhen I read you all that about the 'poor knight,' I wished to-topraise you for one thing--I also wished to show you that I knewall--and did not approve of your conduct."
"You are very unfair to me, and to that unfortunate woman of whomyou spoke just now in such dreadful terms, Aglaya."