白痴 英文版 The Idiot
陀思妥耶夫斯基 Fyodor Dostoyevsky
The Idiot VII. Page 1
"I HAD a small pocket pistol. I had procured it while still aboy, at that droll age when the stories of duels and highwaymenbegin to delight one, and when one imagines oneself noblystanding fire at some future day, in a duel.
"There were a couple of old bullets in the bag which containedthe pistol, and powder enough in an old flask for two or threecharges.
"The pistol was a wretched thing, very crooked and wouldn't carryfarther than fifteen paces at the most. However, it would sendyour skull flying well enough if you pressed the muzzle of itagainst your temple.
"I determined to die at Pavlofsk at sunrise, in the park--so asto make no commotion in the house.
"This 'explanation' will make the matter clear enough to thepolice. Students of psychology, and anyone else who likes, maymake what they please of it. I should not like this paper,however, to be made public. I request the prince to keep a copyhimself, and to give a copy to Aglaya Ivanovna Epanchin. This ismy last will and testament. As for my skeleton, I bequeath it tothe Medical Academy for the benefit of science.
"I recognize no jurisdiction over myself, and I know that I amnow beyond the power of laws and judges.
"A little while ago a very amusing idea struck me. What if I werenow to commit some terrible crime--murder ten fellow-creatures,for instance, or anything else that is thought most shocking anddreadful in this world--what a dilemma my judges would be in,with a criminal who only has a fortnight to live in any case, nowthat the rack and other forms of torture are abolished! Why, Ishould die comfortably in their own hospital--in a warm, cleanroom, with an attentive doctor--probably much more comfortablythan I should at home.
"I don't understand why people in my position do not oftenerindulge in such ideas--if only for a joke! Perhaps they do! Whoknows! There are plenty of merry souls among us!
"But though I do not recognize any jurisdiction over myself,still I know that I shall be judged, when I am nothing but avoiceless lump of clay; therefore I do not wish to go before Ihave left a word of reply--the reply of a free man--not oneforced to justify himself--oh no! I have no need to askforgiveness of anyone. I wish to say a word merely because Ihappen to desire it of my own free will.
"Here, in the first place, comes a strange thought!
"Who, in the name of what Law, would think of disputing my fullpersonal right over the fortnight of life left to me? Whatjurisdiction can be brought to bear upon the case? Who would wishme, not only to be sentenced, but to endure the sentence to theend? Surely there exists no man who would wish such a thing--whyshould anyone desire it? For the sake of morality? Well, I canunderstand that if I were to make an attempt upon my own lifewhile in the enjoyment of full health and vigour--my life whichmight have been 'useful,' etc., etc.--morality might reproach me,according to the old routine, for disposing of my life withoutpermission--or whatever its tenet may be. But now, NOW, when mysentence is out and my days numbered! How can morality have needof my last breaths, and why should I die listening to theconsolations offered by the prince, who, without doubt, would notomit to demonstrate that death is actually a benefactor to me?(Christians like him always end up with that--it is their pettheory.) And what do they want with their ridiculous 'Pavlofsktrees'? To sweeten my last hours? Cannot they understand that themore I forget myself, the more I let myself become attached tothese last illusions of life and love, by means of which they tryto hide from me Meyer's wall, and all that is so plainly writtenon it--the more unhappy they make me? What is the use of all yournature to me--all your parks and trees, your sunsets andsunrises, your blue skies and your self-satisfied faces--when allthis wealth of beauty and happiness begins with the fact that itaccounts me--only me--one too many! What is the good of all thisbeauty and glory to me, when every second, every moment, I cannotbut be aware that this little fly which buzzes around my head inthe sun's rays--even this little fly is a sharer and participatorin all the glory of the universe, and knows its place and ishappy in it;--while I--only I, am an outcast, and have been blindto the fact hitherto, thanks to my simplicity! Oh! I know wellhow the prince and others would like me, instead of indulging inall these wicked words of my own, to sing, to the glory andtriumph of morality, that well-known verse of Gilbert's:
"'0, puissent voir longtemps votre beaute sacreeTant d'amis, sourds a mes adieux!Qu'ils meurent pleins de jours, que leur mort soit pleuree,Qu'un ami leur ferme les yeux!'
"But believe me, believe me, my simple-hearted friends, that inthis highly moral verse, in this academical blessing to the worldin general in the French language, is hidden the intensest galland bitterness; but so well concealed is the venom, that I daresay the poet actually persuaded himself that his words were fullof the tears of pardon and peace, instead of the bitterness ofdisappointment and malice, and so died in the delusion.
"Do you know there is a limit of ignominy, beyond which man'sconsciousness of shame cannot go, and after which beginssatisfaction in shame? Well, of course humility is a great forcein that sense, I admit that--though not in the sense in whichreligion accounts humility to be strength!
"Religion!--I admit eternal life--and perhaps I always did admitit.
"Admitted that consciousness is called into existence by the willof a Higher Power; admitted that this consciousness looks outupon the world and says 'I am;' and admitted that the HigherPower wills that the consciousness so called into existence, besuddenly extinguished (for so--for some unexplained reason--it isand must be)--still there comes the eternal question--why must Ibe humble through all this? Is it not enough that I am devoured,without my being expected to bless the power that devours me?Surely--surely I need not suppose that Somebody--there--will beoffended because I do not wish to live out the fortnight allowedme? I don't believe it.
"It is much simpler, and far more likely, to believe that mydeath is needed--the death of an insignificant atom--in order tofulfil the general harmony of the universe--in order to make evensome plus or minus in the sum of existence. Just as every day thedeath of numbers of beings is necessary because without theirannihilation the rest cannot live on--(although we must admitthat the idea is not a particularly grand one in itself!)
"However--admit the fact! Admit that without such perpetualdevouring of one another the world cannot continue to exist, orcould never have been organized--I am ever ready to confess thatI cannot understand why this is so--but I'll tell you what I DOknow, for certain. If I have once been given to understand andrealize that I AM--what does it matter to me that the world isorganized on a system full of errors and that otherwise it cannotbe organized at all? Who will or can judge me after this? Saywhat you like--the thing is impossible and unjust!
"And meanwhile I have never been able, in spite of my greatdesire to do so, to persuade myself that there is no futureexistence, and no Providence.
"The fact of the matter is that all this DOES exist, but that weknow absolutely nothing about the future life and its laws!
"But it is so difficult, and even impossible to understand, thatsurely I am not to be blamed because I could not fathom theincomprehensible?
"Of course I know they say that one must be obedient, and ofcourse, too, the prince is one of those who say so: that one mustbe obedient without questions, out of pure goodness of heart, andthat for my worthy conduct in this matter I shall meet withreward in another world. We degrade God when we attribute our ownideas to Him, out of annoyance that we cannot fathom His ways.
"Again, I repeat, I cannot be blamed because I am unable tounderstand that which it is not given to mankind to fathom. Whyam I to be judged because I could not comprehend the Will andLaws of Providence? No, we had better drop religion.
"And enough of this. By the time I have got so far in the readingof my document the sun will be up and the huge force of his rayswill be acting upon the living world. So be it. I shall diegazing straight at the great Fountain of life and power; I do notwant this life!
"If I had had the power to prevent my own birth I shouldcertainly never have consented to accept existence under suchridiculous conditions. However, I have the power to end myexistence, although I do but give back days that are alreadynumbered. It is an insignificant gift, and my revolt is equallyinsignificant.
"Final explanation: I die, not in the least because I am unableto support these next three weeks. Oh no, I should find strengthenough, and if I wished it I could obtain consolation from thethought of the injury that is done me. But I am not a Frenchpoet, and I do not desire such consolation. And finally, naturehas so limited my capacity for work or activity of any kind, inallotting me but three weeks of time, that suicide is about theonly thing left that I can begin and end in the time of my ownfree will.
first place, comes a strange thought!
"Perhaps then I am anxious to take advantage of my last chance ofdoing something for myself. A protest is sometimes no smallthing."
The explanation was finished; Hippolyte paused at last.
There is, in extreme cases, a final stage of cynical candour whena nervous man, excited, and beside himself with emotion, will beafraid of nothing and ready for any sort of scandal, nay, glad ofit. The extraordinary, almost unnatural, tension of the nerveswhich upheld Hippolyte up to this point, had now arrived at thisfinal stage. This poor feeble boy of eighteen--exhausted bydisease--looked for all the world as weak and frail as a leaflettorn from its parent tree and trembling in the breeze; but nosooner had his eye swept over his audience, for the first timeduring the whole of the last hour, than the most contemptuous,the most haughty expression of repugnance lighted up his face. Hedefied them all, as it were. But his hearers were indignant, too;they rose to their feet with annoyance. Fatigue, the wineconsumed, the strain of listening so long, all added to thedisagreeable impression which the reading had made upon them.
Suddenly Hippolyte jumped up as though he had been shot.
of the housetoo, in a way; but I can't.
"The sun is rising," he cried, seeing the gilded tops of thetrees, and pointing to them as to a miracle. "See, it is risingnow!"
"Well, what then? Did you suppose it wasn't going to rise?" askedFerdishenko.
"It's going to be atrociously hot again all day," said Gania,with an air of annoyance, taking his hat. "A month of this... Areyou coming home, Ptitsin?" Hippolyte listened to this inamazement, almost amounting to stupefaction. Suddenly he becamedeadly pale and shuddered.
"You manage your composure too awkwardly. I see you wish toinsult me," he cried to Gania. "You--you are a cur!" He looked atGania with an expression of malice.
"What on earth is the matter with the boy? What phenomenalfeeble-mindedness!" exclaimed Ferdishenko.
Hippolyte braced himself up a little.
almost amounting to stupefaction. Suddenly .
"I understand, gentlemen," he began, trembling as before, andstumbling over every word," that I have deserved your resentment,and--and am sorry that I should have troubled you with thisraving nonsense" (pointing to his article),"or rather, I am sorrythat I have not troubled you enough." He smiled feebly. "Have Itroubled you, Evgenie Pavlovitch?" He suddenly turned on Evgeniewith this question. "Tell me now, have I troubled you or not?"
"Well, it was a little drawn out, perhaps; but--"
"Come, speak out! Don't lie, for once in your life--speak out!"continued Hippolyte, quivering with agitation.
"Oh, my good sir, I assure you it's entirely the same to me.Please leave me in peace," said Evgenie, angrily, turning hisback on him.
"Good-night, prince," said Ptitsin, approaching his host.
"What are you thinking of? Don't go, he'll blow his brains out ina minute!" cried Vera Lebedeff, rushing up to Hippolyte andcatching hold of his hands in a torment of alarm. "What are youthinking of? He said he would blow his brains out at sunrise."
"Oh, he won't shoot himself!" cried several voices,sarcastically.
"Gentlemen, you'd better look out," cried Colia, also seizingHippolyte by the hand. "Just look at him! Prince, what are youthinking of?" Vera and Colia, and Keller, and Burdovsky were allcrowding round Hippolyte now and holding him down.
"He has the right--the right--"-murmured Burdovsky. "Excuse me,prince, but what are your arrangements?" asked Lebedeff, tipsyand exasperated, going up to Muishkin.
"What do you mean by 'arrangements'?"
"No, no, excuse me! I'm master of this house, though I do notwish to lack respect towards you. You are master of the housetoo, in a way; but I can't allow this sort of thing--"
"He won't shoot himself; the boy is only playing the fool," saidGeneral Ivolgin, suddenly and unexpectedly, with indignation.
"I know he won't, I know he won't, general; but I--I'm masterhere!"
"Listen, Mr. Terentieff," said Ptitsin, who had bidden the princegood-night, and was now holding out his hand to Hippolyte; "Ithink you remark in that manuscript of yours, that you bequeathyour skeleton to the Academy. Are you referring to your ownskeleton--I mean, your very bones?"
"Yes, my bones, I--"
"Quite so, I see; because, you know, little mistakes haveoccurred now and then. There was a case--"
Why do you tease him?" cried the prince, suddenly.
"You've moved him to tears," added Ferdishenko. But Hippolyte wasby no means weeping. He was about to move from his place, whenhis four guards rushed at him and seized him once more. There wasa laugh at this.
"He led up to this on purpose. He took the trouble of writing allthat so that people should come and grab him by the arm,"observed Rogojin. "Good-night, prince. What a time we've sathere, my very bones ache!"
"If you really intended to shoot yourself, Terentieff," saidEvgenie Pavlovitch, laughing, "if I were you, after all thesecompliments, I should just not shoot myself in order to vex themall."
"They are very anxious to see me blow my brains out," saidHippolyte, bitterly.
"Yes, they'll be awfully annoyed if they don't see it."
"Then you think they won't see it?"
"I am not trying to egg you on. On the contrary, I think it verylikely that you may shoot yourself; but the principal thing is tokeep cool," said Evgenie with a drawl, and with greatcondescension.
"I only now perceive what a terrible mistake I made in readingthis article to them," said Hippolyte, suddenly, addressingEvgenie, and looking at him with an expression of trust andconfidence, as though he were applying to a friend for counsel.
"Yes, it's a droll situation; I really don't know what advice togive you," replied Evgenie, laughing. Hippolyte gazed steadfastlyat him, but said nothing. To look at him one might have supposedthat he was unconscious at intervals.
"Excuse me," said Lebedeff, "but did you observe the younggentleman's style? 'I'll go and blow my brains out in the park,'says he,' so as not to disturb anyone.' He thinks he won'tdisturb anybody if he goes three yards away, into the park, andblows his brains out there."
"Gentlemen--" began the prince.
"No, no, excuse me, most revered prince," Lebedeff interrupted,excitedly. "Since you must have observed yourself that this is nojoke, and since at least half your guests must also haveconcluded that after all that has been said this youth MUST blowhis brains out for honour's sake--I--as master of this house, andbefore these witnesses, now call upon you to take steps."
"Yes, but what am I to do, Lebedeff? What steps am I to take? Iam ready."
"I'll tell you. In the first place he must immediately deliver upthe pistol which he boasted of, with all its appurtenances. If hedoes this I shall consent to his being allowed to spend the nightin this house--considering his feeble state of health, and ofcourse conditionally upon his being under proper supervision. Buttomorrow he must go elsewhere. Excuse me, prince! Should herefuse to deliver up his weapon, then I shall instantly seize oneof his arms and General Ivolgin the other, and we shall hold himuntil the police arrive and take the matter into their own hands.Mr. Ferdishenko will kindly fetch them."
At this there was a dreadful noise; Lebedeff danced about in hisexcitement; Ferdishenko prepared to go for the police; Ganiafrantically insisted that it was all nonsense, "for nobody wasgoing to shoot themselves." Evgenie Pavlovitch said nothing.
"Prince," whispered Hippolyte, suddenly, his eyes all ablaze,"you don't suppose that I did not foresee all this hatred?" Helooked at the prince as though he expected him to reply, for amoment. "Enough!" he added at length, and addressing the wholecompany, he cried: "It's all my fault, gentlemen! Lebedeff,here's the key," (he took out a small bunch of keys); "this one,the last but one--Colia will show you--Colia, where's Colia?" hecried, looking straight at Colia and not seeing him. "Yes, he'llshow you; he packed the bag with me this morning. Take him up,Colia; my bag is upstairs in the prince's study, under the table.Here's the key, and in the little case you'll find my pistol andthe powder, and all. Colia packed it himself, Mr. Lebedeff; he'llshow you; but it's on condition that tomorrow morning, when Ileave for Petersburg, you will give me back my pistol, do youhear? I do this for the prince's sake, not yours."
"Capital, that's much better!" cried Lebedeff, and seizing thekey he made off in haste.
Colia stopped a moment as though he wished to say something; butLebedeff dragged him away.
Hippolyte looked around at the laughing guests. The princeobserved that his teeth were chattering as though in a violentattack of ague.
"What brutes they all are!" he whispered to the prince. Wheneverhe addressed him he lowered his voice.
"Let them alone, you're too weak now--"
Yes, directly; I'll go away directly. I'll--"
Suddenly he embraced Muishkin.
"Perhaps you think I am mad, eh?" he asked him, laughing verystrangely.
"No, but you--"
"Directly, directly! Stand still a moment, I wish to look in youreyes; don't speak--stand so--let me look at you! I am biddingfarewell to mankind."
He stood so for ten seconds, gazing at the prince, motionless,deadly pale, his temples wet with perspiration; he held theprince's hand in a strange grip, as though afraid to let him go.
"Hippolyte, Hippolyte, what is the matter with you?" criedMuishkin.
"Directly! There, that's enough. I'll lie down directly. I mustdrink to the sun's health. I wish to--I insist upon it! Let go!"
He seized a glass from the table, broke away from the prince, andin a moment had reached the terrace steps.
The prince made after him, but it so happened that at this momentEvgenie Pavlovitch stretched out his hand to say good-night. Thenext instant there was a general outcry, and then followed a fewmoments of indescribable excitement.