白痴 英文版 The Idiot
陀思妥耶夫斯基 Fyodor Dostoyevsky
The Idiot VI. Page 1
"I WILL not deceive you. 'Reality' got me so entrapped in itsmeshes now and again during the past six months, that I forgot my'sentence' (or perhaps I did not wish to think of it), andactually busied myself with affairs.
"A word as to my circumstances. When, eight months since, Ibecame very ill, I threw up all my old connections and droppedall my old companions. As I was always a gloomy, morose sort ofindividual, my friends easily forgot me; of course, they wouldhave forgotten me all the same, without that excuse. My positionat home was solitary enough. Five months ago I separated myselfentirely from the family, and no one dared enter my room exceptat stated times, to clean and tidy it, and so on, and to bring memy meals. My mother dared not disobey me; she kept the childrenquiet, for my sake, and beat them if they dared to make any noiseand disturb me. I so often complained of them that I should thinkthey must be very fond, indeed, of me by this time. I think Imust have tormented 'my faithful Colia' (as I called him) agood deal too. He tormented me of late; I could see that healways bore my tempers as though he had determined to 'spare thepoor invalid.' This annoyed me, naturally. He seemed to havetaken it into his head to imitate the prince in Christianmeekness! Surikoff, who lived above us, annoyed me, too. He wasso miserably poor, and I used to prove to him that he had no oneto blame but himself for his poverty. I used to be so angry thatI think I frightened him eventually, for he stopped coming to seeme. He was a most meek and humble fellow, was Surikoff. (N.B.--They say that meekness is a great power. I must ask the princeabout this, for the expression is his.) But I remember one day inMarch, when I went up to his lodgings to see whether it was truethat one of his children had been starved and frozen to death, Ibegan to hold forth to him about his poverty being his own fault,and, in the course of my remarks, I accidentally smiled at thecorpse of his child. Well, the poor wretch's lips began totremble, and he caught me by the shoulder, and pushed me to thedoor. 'Go out,' he said, in a whisper. I went out, of course, andI declare I LIKED it. I liked it at the very moment when I wasturned out. But his words filled me with a strange sort offeeling of disdainful pity for him whenever I thought of them--afeeling which I did not in the least desire to entertain. At thevery moment of the insult (for I admit that I did insult him,though I did not mean to), this man could not lose his temper.His lips had trembled, but I swear it was not with rage. He hadtaken me by the arm, and said, 'Go out,' without the least anger.There was dignity, a great deal of dignity, about him, and it wasso inconsistent with the look of him that, I assure you, it wasquite comical. But there was no anger. Perhaps he merely began todespise me at that moment.
"Since that time he has always taken off his hat to me on thestairs, whenever I met him, which is a thing he never did before;but he always gets away from me as quickly as he can, as thoughhe felt confused. If he did despise me, he despised me 'meekly,'after his own fashion.
"I dare say he only took his hat off out of fear, as it were, tothe son of his creditor; for he always owed my mother money. Ithought of having an explanation with him, but I knew that if Idid, he would begin to apologize in a minute or two, so I decidedto let him alone.
"Just about that time, that is, the middle of March, I suddenlyfelt very much better; this continued for a couple of weeks. Iused to go out at dusk. I like the dusk, especially in March,when the night frost begins to harden the day's puddles, and thegas is burning.
"Well, one night in the Shestilavochnaya, a man passed me with apaper parcel under his arm. I did not take stock of him verycarefully, but he seemed to be dressed in some shabby summerdust-coat, much too light for the season. When he was oppositethe lamp-post, some ten yards away, I observed something fall outof his pocket. I hurried forward to pick it up, just in time, foran old wretch in a long kaftan rushed up too. He did not disputethe matter, but glanced at what was in my hand and disappeared.
"It was a large old-fashioned pocket-book, stuffed full; but Iguessed, at a glance, that it had anything in the world insideit, except money.
"The owner was now some forty yards ahead of me, and was verysoon lost in the crowd. I ran after him, and began calling out;but as I knew nothing to say excepting 'hey!' he did not turnround. Suddenly he turned into the gate of a house to the left;and when I darted in after him, the gateway was so dark that Icould see nothing whatever. It was one of those large housesbuilt in small tenements, of which there must have been at leasta hundred.
"When I entered the yard I thought I saw a man going along on thefar side of it; but it was so dark I could not make out hisfigure.
"I crossed to that corner and found a dirty dark staircase. Iheard a man mounting up above me, some way higher than I was, andthinking I should catch him before his door would be opened tohim, I rushed after him. I heard a door open and shut on thefifth storey, as I panted along; the stairs were narrow, and thesteps innumerable, but at last I reached the door I thought theright one. Some moments passed before I found the bell and got itto ring.
"An old peasant woman opened the door; she was busy lighting the'samovar' in a tiny kitchen. She listened silently to myquestions, did not understand a word, of course, and openedanother door leading into a little bit of a room, low andscarcely furnished at all, but with a large, wide bed in it, hungwith curtains. On this bed lay one Terentich, as the woman calledhim, drunk, it appeared to me. On the table was an end of candlein an iron candlestick, and a half-bottle of vodka, nearlyfinished. Terentich muttered something to me, and signed towardsthe next room. The old woman had disappeared, so there wasnothing for me to do but to open the door indicated. I did so,and entered the next room.
"This was still smaller than the other, so cramped that I couldscarcely turn round; a narrow single bed at one side took upnearly all the room. Besides the bed there were only three commonchairs, and a wretched old kitchen-table standing before a smallsofa. One could hardly squeeze through between the table and thebed.
"On the table, as in the other room, burned a tallow candle-endin an iron candlestick; and on the bed there whined a baby ofscarcely three weeks old. A pale-looking woman was dressing thechild, probably the mother; she looked as though she had not asyet got over the trouble of childbirth, she seemed so weak andwas so carelessly dressed. Another child, a little girl of aboutthree years old, lay on the sofa, covered over with what lookedlike a man's old dress-coat.
"At the table stood a man in his shirt sleeves; he had thrown offhis coat; it lay upon the bed; and he was unfolding a blue paperparcel in which were a couple of pounds of bread, and some littlesausages.
"On the table along with these things were a few old bits ofblack bread, and some tea in a pot. From under the bed thereprotruded an open portmanteau full of bundles of rags. In a word,the confusion and untidiness of the room were indescribable.
"It appeared to me, at the first glance, that both the man andthe woman were respectable people, but brought to that pitch ofpoverty where untidiness seems to get the better of every effortto cope with it, till at last they take a sort of bittersatisfaction in it. When I entered the room, the man, who hadentered but a moment before me, and was still unpacking hisparcels, was saying something to his wife in an excited manner.The news was apparently bad, as usual, for the woman beganwhimpering. The man's face seemed tome to be refined and evenpleasant. He was dark-complexioned, and about twenty-eight yearsof age; he wore black whiskers, and his lip and chin were shaved.He looked morose, but with a sort of pride of expression. Acurious scene followed.
"There are people who find satisfaction in their own touchyfeelings, especially when they have just taken the deepestoffence; at such moments they feel that they would rather beoffended than not. These easily-ignited natures, if they arewise, are always full of remorse afterwards, when they reflectthat they have been ten times as angry as they need have been.
"The gentleman before me gazed at me for some seconds inamazement, and his wife in terror; as though there was somethingalarmingly extraordinary in the fact that anyone could come tosee them. But suddenly he fell upon me almost with fury; I hadhad no time to mutter more than a couple of words; but he haddoubtless observed that I was decently dressed and, therefore,took deep offence because I had dared enter his den sounceremoniously, and spy out the squalor and untidiness of it.
"Of course he was delighted to get hold of someone upon whom tovent his rage against things in general.
"For a moment I thought he would assault me; he grew so pale thathe looked like a woman about to have hysterics; his wife wasdreadfully alarmed.
"'How dare you come in so? Be off!' he shouted, trembling allover with rage and scarcely able to articulate the words.Suddenly, however, he observed his pocketbook in my hand.
"'I think you dropped this,' I remarked, as quietly and drily asI could. (I thought it best to treat him so.) For some while hestood before me in downright terror, and seemed unable tounderstand. He then suddenly grabbed at his side-pocket, openedhis mouth in alarm, and beat his forehead with his hand.
"'My God!' he cried, 'where did you find it? How?' I explained inas few words as I could, and as drily as possible, how I had seenit and picked it up; how I had run after him, and called out tohim, and how I had followed him upstairs and groped my way to hisdoor.
"'Gracious Heaven!' he cried, 'all our papers are in it! My dearsir, you little know what you have done for us. I should havebeen lost--lost!'
"I had taken hold of the door-handle meanwhile, intending toleave the room without reply; but I was panting with my runupstairs, and my exhaustion came to a climax in a violent fit ofcoughing, so bad that I could hardly stand.
"I saw how the man dashed about the room to find me an emptychair, how he kicked the rags off a chair which was covered up bythem, brought it to me, and helped me to sit down; but my coughwent on for another three minutes or so. When I came to myself hewas sitting by me on another chair, which he had also cleared ofthe rubbish by throwing it all over the floor, and was watchingme intently.
"'I'm afraid you are ill?' he remarked, in the tone which doctorsuse when they address a patient. 'I am myself a medical man' (hedid not say 'doctor'), with which words he waved his handstowards the room and its contents as though in protest at hispresent condition. 'I see that you--'
"'I'm in consumption,' I said laconically, rising from my seat.
He jumped up, too.
"'Perhaps you are exaggerating--if you were to take propermeasures perhaps--"
"He was terribly confused and did not seem able to collect hisscattered senses; the pocket-book was still in his left hand.
"'Oh, don't mind me,' I said. 'Dr. B-- saw me last week' (Ilugged him in again), 'and my hash is quite settled; pardon me-'I took hold of the door-handle again. I was on the point ofopening the door and leaving my grateful but confused medicalfriend to himself and his shame, when my damnable cough got holdof me again.
"'If I--' he began, breaking off abruptly every other moment, andstarting another sentence. 'I-I am so very grateful to you, and Iam so much to blame in your eyes, I feel sure, I--you see--' (hepointed to the room again) 'at this moment I am in such aposition-'
"'Oh!' I said, 'there's nothing to see; it's quite a clear case--you've lost your post and have come up to make explanations andget another, if you can!'
"'How do you know that?' he asked in amazement.
"'Oh, it was evident at the first glance,' I said ironically, butnot intentionally so. 'There are lots of people who come up fromthe provinces full of hope, and run about town, and have to liveas best they can.'
"He began to talk at once excitedly and with trembling lips; hebegan complaining and telling me his story. He interested me, Iconfess; I sat there nearly an hour. His story was a veryordinary one. He had been a provincial doctor; he had a civilappointment, and had no sooner taken it up than intrigues began.Even his wife was dragged into these. He was proud, and flew intoa passion; there was a change of local government which acted infavour of his opponents; his position was undermined, complaintswere made against him; he lost his post and came up to Petersburgwith his last remaining money, in order to appeal to higherauthorities. Of course nobody would listen to him for a longtime; he would come and tell his story one day and be refusedpromptly; another day he would be fed on false promises; again hewould be treated harshly; then he would be told to sign somedocuments; then he would sign the paper and hand it in, and theywould refuse to receive it, and tell him to file a formalpetition. In a word he had been driven about from office tooffice for five months and had spent every farthing he had; hiswife's last rags had just been pawned; and meanwhile a child hadbeen born to them and--and today I have a final refusal to mypetition, and I have hardly a crumb of bread left--I have nothingleft; my wife has had a baby lately--and I-I--'
"He sprang up from his chair and turned away. His wife was cryingin the corner; the child had begun to moan again. I pulled out mynote-book and began writing in it. When I had finished and rosefrom my chair he was standing before me with an expression ofalarmed curiosity.
"'I have jotted down your name,' I told him, 'and all the rest ofit--the place you served at, the district, the date, and all. Ihave a friend, Bachmatoff, whose uncle is a councillor of stateand has to do with these matters, one Peter MatveyevitchBachmatoff.'
"'Peter Matveyevitch Bachmatoff!' he cried, trembling all overwith excitement. 'Why, nearly everything depends on that veryman!'
"It is very curious, this story of the medical man, and my visit,and the happy termination to which I contributed by accident!Everything fitted in, as in a novel. I told the poor people notto put much hope in me, because I was but a poor schoolboy myself--(I am not really, but I humiliated myself as much as possible inorder to make them less hopeful)--but that I would go at onceto the Vassili Ostroff and see my friend; and that as I knewfor certain that his uncle adored him, and was absolutely devotedto him as the last hope and branch of the family, perhaps the oldman might do something to oblige his nephew.
"'If only they would allow me to explain all to his excellency!If I could but be permitted to tell my tale to him!" he cried,trembling with feverish agitation, and his eyes flashing withexcitement. I repeated once more that I could not hold out muchhope--that it would probably end in smoke, and if I did not turnup next morning they must make up their minds that there was nomore to be done in the matter.
"They showed me out with bows and every kind of respect; theyseemed quite beside themselves. I shall never forget theexpression of their faces!
"I took a droshky and drove over to the Vassili Ostroff at once.For some years I had been at enmity with this young Bachmatoff,at school. We considered him an aristocrat; at all events Icalled him one. He used to dress smartly, and always drove toschool in a private trap. He was a good companion, and was alwaysmerry and jolly, sometimes even witty, though he was not veryintellectual, in spite of the fact that he was always top of theclass; I myself was never top in anything! All his companionswere very fond of him, excepting myself. He had several timesduring those years come up to me and tried to make friends; but Ihad always turned sulkily away and refused to have anything to dowith him. I had not seen him for a whole year now; he was at theuniversity. When, at nine o'clock, or so, this evening, I arrivedand was shown up to him with great ceremony, he first received mewith astonishment, and not too affably, but he soon cheered up,and suddenly gazed intently at me and burst out laughing.
"'Why, what on earth can have possessed you to come and see ME,Terentieff?' he cried, with his usual pleasant, sometimesaudacious, but never offensive familiarity, which I liked inreality, but for which I also detested him. 'Why what's thematter?' he cried in alarm. 'Are you ill?'
"That confounded cough of mine had come on again; I fell into achair, and with difficulty recovered my breath. 'It's all right,it's only consumption' I said. 'I have come to you with apetition!'
"He sat down in amazement, and I lost no time in telling him themedical man's history; and explained that he, with the influencewhich he possessed over his uncle, might do some good to the poorfellow.
"'I'll do it--I'll do it, of course!' he said. 'I shall attack myuncle about it tomorrow morning, and I'm very glad you told methe story. But how was it that you thought of coming to me aboutit, Terentieff?'
"'So much depends upon your uncle,' I said. 'And besides we havealways been enemies, Bachmatoff; and as you are a generous sortof fellow, I thought you would not refuse my request because Iwas your enemy!' I added with irony.
"'Like Napoleon going to England, eh?' cried he, laughing. 'I'lldo it though--of course, and at once, if I can!' he added, seeingthat I rose seriously from my chair at this point.
"And sure enough the matter ended as satisfactorily as possible.A month or so later my medical friend was appointed to anotherpost. He got his travelling expenses paid, and something to helphim to start life with once more. I think Bachmatoff must havepersuaded the doctor to accept a loan from himself. I sawBachmatoff two or three times, about this period, the third timebeing when he gave a farewell dinner to the doctor and his wifebefore their departure, a champagne dinner.
"Bachmatoff saw me home after the dinner and we crossed theNicolai bridge. We were both a little drunk. He told me of hisjoy, the joyful feeling of having done a good action; he saidthat it was all thanks to myself that he could feel thissatisfaction; and held forth about the foolishness of the theorythat individual charity is useless
consumption,' I said laconically, rising from my seat.
"I, too, was burning to have my say!