白痴 英文版 The Idiot
陀思妥耶夫斯基 Fyodor Dostoyevsky
The Idiot III. Page 2
"You caught him by the arms, you know, prince. No man of properpride can stand that sort of treatment in public."
"Yes, and he gave me a fearful dig in the chest," cried theprince, still laughing. "What are we to fight about? I shall beghis pardon, that's all. But if we must fight--we'll fight! Lethim have a shot at me, by all means; I should rather like it. Ha,ha, ha! I know how to load a pistol now; do you know how to loada pistol, Keller? First, you have to buy the powder, you know; itmustn't be wet, and it mustn't be that coarse stuff that theyload cannons with--it must be pistol powder. Then you pour thepowder in, and get hold of a bit of felt from some door, and thenshove the bullet in. But don't shove the bullet in before thepowder, because the thing wouldn't go off--do you hear, Keller,the thing wouldn't go off! Ha, ha, ha! Isn't that a grand reason,Keller, my friend, eh? Do you know, my dear fellow, I really mustkiss you, and embrace you, this very moment. Ha, ha! How was ityou so suddenly popped up in front of me as you did? Come to myhouse as soon as you can, and we'll have some champagne. We'llall get drunk! Do you know I have a dozen of champagne inLebedeff's cellar? Lebedeff sold them to me the day after Iarrived. I took the lot. We'll invite everybody! Are you going todo any sleeping tonight?"
"As much as usual, prince--why?"
"Pleasant dreams then--ha, ha!"
The prince crossed the road, and disappeared into the park,leaving the astonished Keller in a state of ludicrous wonder. Hehad never before seen the prince in such a strange condition ofmind, and could not have imagined the possibility of it.
"Fever, probably," he said to himself, "for the man is allnerves, and this business has been a little too much for him. Heis not AFRAID, that's clear; that sort never funks! H'm!champagne! That was an interesting item of news, at all events!--Twelve bottles! Dear me, that's a very respectable little stockindeed! I bet anything Lebedeff lent somebody money on deposit ofthis dozen of champagne. Hum! he's a nice fellow, is this prince!I like this sort of man. Well, I needn't be wasting time here,and if it's a case of champagne, why--there's no time like thepresent!"
That the prince was almost in a fever was no more than the truth.He wandered about the park for a long while, and at last came tohimself in a lonely avenue. He was vaguely conscious that he hadalready paced this particular walk--from that large, dark tree tothe bench at the other end--about a hundred yards altogether--atleast thirty times backwards and forwards.
As to recollecting what he had been thinking of all that time, hecould not. He caught himself, however, indulging in one thoughtwhich made him roar with laughter, though there was nothingreally to laugh at in it; but he felt that he must laugh, and goon laughing.
It struck him that the idea of the duel might not have occurredto Keller alone, but that his lesson in the art of pistol-loadingmight have been not altogether accidental! "Pooh! nonsense!" hesaid to himself, struck by another thought, of a sudden. "Why,she was immensely surprised to find me there on the verandah, andlaughed and talked about TEA! And yet she had this little note inher hand, therefore she must have known that I was sitting there.So why was she surprised? Ha, ha, ha!"
He pulled the note out and kissed it; then paused and reflected."How strange it all is! how strange!" he muttered, melancholyenough now. In moments of great joy, he invariably felt asensation of melancholy come over him--he could not tell why.
He looked intently around him, and wondered why he had come here;he was very tired, so he approached the bench and sat down on it.Around him was profound silence; the music in the Vauxhall wasover. The park seemed quite empty, though it was not, in reality,later than half-past eleven. It was a quiet, warm, clear night--areal Petersburg night of early June; but in the dense avenue,where he was sitting, it was almost pitch dark.
If anyone had come up at this moment and told him that he was inlove, passionately in love, he would have rejected the idea withastonishment, and, perhaps, with irritation. And if anyone hadadded that Aglaya's note was a love-letter, and that it containedan appointment to a lover's rendezvous, he would have blushedwith shame for the speaker, and, probably, have challenged him toa duel.
All this would have been perfectly sincere on his part. He hadnever for a moment entertained the idea of the possibility ofthis girl loving him, or even of such a thing as himself fallingin love with her. The possibility of being loved himself, "a manlike me," as he put it, he ranked among ridiculous suppositions.It appeared to him that it was simply a joke on Aglaya's part, ifthere really were anything in it at all; but that seemed to himquite natural. His preoccupation was caused by somethingdifferent.
As to the few words which the general had let slip about Aglayalaughing at everybody, and at himself most of all--he entirelybelieved them. He did not feel the slightest sensation ofoffence; on the contrary, he was quite certain that it was as itshould be.
His whole thoughts were now as to next morning early; he wouldsee her; he would sit by her on that little green bench, andlisten to how pistols were loaded, and look at her. He wantednothing more.
The question as to what she might have to say of special interestto himself occurred to him once or twice. He did not doubt, for amoment, that she really had some such subject of conversation instore, but so very little interested in the matter was he that itdid not strike him to wonder what it could be. The crunch ofgravel on the path suddenly caused him to raise his head.
A man, whose face it was difficult to see in the gloom,approached the bench, and sat down beside him. The prince peeredinto his face, and recognized the livid features of Rogojin.
"I knew you'd be wandering about somewhere here. I didn't have tolook for you very long," muttered the latter between his teeth.
must beabout twelve o'clock, now; come home with.
It was the first time they had met since the encounter on thestaircase at the hotel.
Painfully surprised as he was at this sudden apparition ofRogojin, the prince, for some little while, was unable to collecthis thoughts. Rogojin, evidently, saw and understood theimpression he had made; and though he seemed more or lessconfused at first, yet he began talking with what looked likeassumed ease and freedom. However, the prince soon changed hismind on this score, and thought that there was not only noaffectation of indifference, but that Rogojin was not evenparticularly agitated. If there were a little apparentawkwardness, it was only in his words and gestures. The man couldnot change his heart.
"How did you--find me here?" asked the prince for the sake ofsaying something.
"Keller told me (I found him at your place) that you were in thepark. 'Of course he is!' I thought."
"Why so?" asked the prince uneasily.
Rogojin smiled, but did not explain.
looks at him and says to herself.
"I received your letter, Lef Nicolaievitch--what's the good ofall that?--It's no use, you know. I've come to you from HER,--shebade me tell you that she must see you, she has something to sayto you. She told me to find you today."
"I'll come tomorrow. Now I'm going home--are you coming to myhouse?"
"Why should I? I've given you the message.--Goodbye!"
"Won't you come?" asked the prince in a gentle voice.
"What an extraordinary man you are! I wonder at you!" Rogojinlaughed sarcastically.
prince in a gentle voice., and was hiding his hands.
"Why do you hate me so?" asked the prince, sadly. "You knowyourself that all you suspected is quite unfounded. I felt youwere still angry with me, though. Do you know why? Because youtried to kill me--that's why you can't shake off your wrathagainst me. I tell you that I only remember the Parfen Rogojinwith whom I exchanged crosses, and vowed brotherhood. I wrote youthis in yesterday's letter, in order that you might forget allthat madness on your part, and that you might not feel called totalk about it when we met. Why do you avoid me? Why do you holdyour hand back from me? I tell you again, I consider all that haspassed a delirium, an insane dream. I can understand all you did,and all you felt that day, as if it were myself. What you werethen imagining was not the case, and could never be the case.Why, then, should there be anger between us?"
"You don't know what anger is!" laughed Rogojin, in reply to theprince's heated words.
He had moved a pace or two away, and was hiding his hands behindhim.
"No, it is impossible for me to come to your house again," headded slowly.
"Why? Do you hate me so much as all that?"
"I don't love you, Lef Nicolaievitch, and, therefore, what wouldbe the use of my coming to see you? You are just like a child--you want a plaything, and it must be taken out and given you--andthen you don't know how to work it. You are simply repeating allyou said in your letter, and what's the use? Of course I believeevery word you say, and I know perfectly well that you neitherdid or ever can deceive me in any way, and yet, I don't love you.You write that you've forgotten everything, and only rememberyour brother Parfen, with whom you exchanged crosses, and thatyou don't remember anything about the Rogojin who aimed a knifeat your throat. What do you know about my feelings, eh?" (Rogojinlaughed disagreeably.) "Here you are holding out your brotherlyforgiveness to me for a thing that I have perhaps never repentedof in the slightest degree. I did not think of it again all thatevening; all my thoughts were centred on something else--"
"Not think of it again? Of course you didn't!" cried the prince."And I dare swear that you came straight away down here toPavlofsk to listen to the music and dog her about in the crowd,and stare at her, just as you did today. There's nothingsurprising in that! If you hadn't been in that condition of mindthat you could think of nothing but one subject, you would,probably, never have raised your knife against me. I had apresentiment of what you would do, that day, ever since I saw youfirst in the morning. Do you know yourself what you looked like?I knew you would try to murder me even at the very moment when weexchanged crosses. What did you take me to your mother for? Didyou think to stay your hand by doing so? Perhaps you did not putyour thoughts into words, but you and I were thinking the samething, or feeling the same thing looming over us, at the samemoment. What should you think of me now if you had not raisedyour knife to me--the knife which God averted from my throat? Iwould have been guilty of suspecting you all the same--and youwould have intended the murder all the same; therefore we shouldhave been mutually guilty in any case. Come, don't frown; youneedn't laugh at me, either. You say you haven't 'repented.'Repented! You probably couldn't, if you were to try; you dislikeme too much for that. Why, if I were an angel of light, and asinnocent before you as a babe, you would still loathe me if youbelieved that SHE loved me, instead of loving yourself. That'sjealousy--that is the real jealousy.
"But do you know what I have been thinking out during this lastweek, Parfen? I'll tell you. What if she loves you now betterthan anyone? And what if she torments you BECAUSE she loves you,and in proportion to her love for you, so she torments you themore? She won't tell you this, of course; you must have eyes tosee. Why do you suppose she consents to marry you? She must havea reason, and that reason she will tell you some day. Some womendesire the kind of love you give her, and she is probably one ofthese. Your love and your wild nature impress her. Do you knowthat a woman is capable of driving a man crazy almost, with hercruelties and mockeries, and feels not one single pang of regret,because she looks at him and says to herself, 'There! I'lltorment this man nearly into his grave, and then, oh! how I'llcompensate him for it all with my love!'"
Rogojin listened to the end, and then burst out laughing:
"Why, prince, I declare you must have had a taste of this sort ofthing yourself--haven't you? I have heard tell of something ofthe kind, you know; is it true?"
"What? What can you have heard?" said the prince, stammering.
Rogojin continued to laugh loudly. He had listened to theprince's speech with curiosity and some satisfaction. Thespeaker's impulsive warmth had surprised and even comforted him.
"Why, I've not only heard of it; I see it for myself," he said."When have you ever spoken like that before? It wasn't likeyourself, prince. Why, if I hadn't heard this report about you, Ishould never have come all this way into the park--at midnight,too!"
"I don't understand you in the least, Parfen."
wandering about somewhere here. I didn't have tolook.
"Oh, SHE told me all about it long ago, and tonight I saw formyself. I saw you at the music, you know, and whom you weresitting with. She swore to me yesterday, and again today, thatyou are madly in love with Aglaya Ivanovna. But that's all thesame to me, prince, and it's not my affair at all; for if youhave ceased to love HER, SHE has not ceased to love YOU. Youknow, of course, that she wants to marry you to that girl? She'ssworn to it! Ha, ha! She says to me, 'Until then I won't marryyou. When they go to church, we'll go too-and not before.' Whaton earth does she mean by it? I don't know, and I never did.Either she loves you without limits or--yet, if she loves you,why does she wish to marry you to another girl? She says, 'I wantto see him happy,' which is to say--she loves you."
"I wrote, and I say to you once more, that she is not in herright mind," said the prince, who had listened with anguish towhat Rogojin said.
"Goodness knows--you may be wrong there! At all events, she namedthe day this evening, as we left the gardens. 'In three weeks,'says she, 'and perhaps sooner, we shall be married.' She swore toit, took off her cross and kissed it. So it all depends upon younow, prince, You see! Ha, ha!"
"That's all madness. What you say about me, Parfen, never can andnever will be. Tomorrow, I shall come and see you--"
"How can she be mad," Rogojin interrupted, "when she is saneenough for other people and only mad for you? How can she writeletters to HER, if she's mad? If she were insane they wouldobserve it in her letters."
"What letters?" said the prince, alarmed.
"She writes to HER--and the girl reads the letters. Haven't youheard?--You are sure to hear; she's sure to show you the lettersherself."
"I won't believe this!" cried the prince.
"Why, prince, you've only gone a few steps along this road, Iperceive. You are evidently a mere beginner. Wait a bit! Beforelong, you'll have your own detectives, you'll watch day andnight, and you'll know every little thing that goes on there--that is, if--"
"Drop that subject, Rogojin, and never mention it again. Andlisten: as I have sat here, and talked, and listened, it hassuddenly struck me that tomorrow is my birthday. It must beabout twelve o'clock, now; come home with me--do, and we'll seethe day in! We'll have some wine, and you shall wish me--I don'tknow what--but you, especially you, must wish me a good wish, andI shall wish you full happiness in return. Otherwise, hand me mycross back again. You didn't return it to me next day. Haven'tyou got it on now?"
believe this!" cried the prince.Goodbye.
"Yes, I have," said Rogojin.
"Come along, then. I don't wish to meet my new year without you--my new life, I should say, for a new life is beginning for me.Did you know, Parfen, that a new life had begun for me?"
"I see for myself that it is so--and I shall tell HER. But youare not quite yourself, Lef Nicolaievitch."