一双蓝眼睛 英文版 A Pair of Blue Eyes
托马斯.哈代 Thomas Hardy
Chapter XXX
'Vassal unto Love.'
Elfride clung closer to Knight as day succeeded day. Whateverelse might admit of question, there could be no dispute that theallegiance she bore him absorbed her whole soul and existence. Agreater than Stephen had arisen, and she had left all to followhim.
The unreserved girl was never chary of letting her lover discoverhow much she admired him. She never once held an idea inopposition to any one of his, or insisted on any point with him,or showed any independence, or held her own on any subject. Hislightest whim she respected and obeyed as law, and if, expressingher opinion on a matter, he took up the subject and differed fromher, she instantly threw down her own opinion as wrong anduntenable. Even her ambiguities and espieglerie were but media ofthe same manifestation; acted charades, embodying the words of herprototype, the tender and susceptible daughter-in-law of Naomi:'Let me find favour in thy sight, my lord; for that thou hastcomforted me, and for that thou hast spoken friendly unto thinehandmaid.'
She was syringing the plants one wet day in the greenhouse.Knight was sitting under a great passion-flower observing thescene. Sometimes he looked out at the rain from the sky, and thenat Elfride's inner rain of larger drops, which fell from trees andshrubs, after having previously hung from the twigs like smallsilver fruit.
'I must give you something to make you think of me during thisautumn at your chambers,' she was saying. 'What shall it be?Portraits do more harm than good, by selecting the worstexpression of which your face is capable. Hair is unlucky. Andyou don't like jewellery.'
'Something which shall bring back to my mind the many scenes wehave enacted in this conservatory. I see what I should prize verymuch. That dwarf myrtle tree in the pot, which you have been socarefully tending.'
Elfride looked thoughtfully at the myrtle.
'I can carry it comfortably in my hat box,' said Knight. 'And Iwill put it in my window, and so, it being always before my eyes,I shall think of you continually.'
It so happened that the myrtle which Knight had singled out had apeculiar beginning and history. It had originally been a twigworn in Stephen Smith's button-hole, and he had taken it thence,stuck it into the pot, and told her that if it grew, she was totake care of it, and keep it in remembrance of him when he was faraway.
She looked wistfully at the plant, and a sense of fairness toSmith's memory caused her a pang of regret that Knight should haveasked for that very one. It seemed exceeding a commonheartlessness to let it go.
'Is there not anything you like better?' she said sadly. 'That isonly an ordinary myrtle.'
'No: I am fond of myrtle.' Seeing that she did not take kindly tothe idea, he said again, 'Why do you object to my having that?'
'Oh no--I don't object precisely--it was a feeling.--Ah, here'sanother cutting lately struck, and just as small--of a betterkind, and with prettier leaves--myrtus microphylla.'
'That will do nicely. Let it be put in my room, that I may notforget it. What romance attaches to the other?'
old number of thePRESENT that I lighted?
'It was a gift to me.'
The subject then dropped. Knight thought no more of the mattertill, on entering his bedroom in the evening, he found the secondmyrtle placed upon his dressing-table as he had directed. Hestood for a moment admiring the fresh appearance of the leaves bycandlelight, and then he thought of the transaction of the day.
Male lovers as well as female can be spoilt by too much kindness,and Elfride's uniform submissiveness had given Knight a ratherexacting manner at crises, attached to her as he was. 'Why shouldshe have refused the one I first chose?' he now asked himself.Even such slight opposition as she had shown then was exceptionalenough to make itself noticeable. He was not vexed with her inthe least: the mere variation of her way to-day from her usualways kept him musing on the subject, because it perplexed him.'It was a gift'--those were her words. Admitting it to be a gift,he thought she could hardly value a mere friend more than shevalued him as a lover, and giving the plant into his charge wouldhave made no difference. 'Except, indeed, it was the gift of alover,' he murmured.
'I wonder if Elfride has ever had a lover before?' he said aloud,as a new idea, quite. This and companion thoughts were enough tooccupy him completely till he fell asleep--rather later thanusual.
The next day, when they were again alone, he said to her rathersuddenly--
'Do you love me more or less, Elfie, for what I told you on boardthe steamer?'
'You told me so many things,' she returned, lifting her eyes tohis and smiling.
'I mean the confession you coaxed out of me--that I had never beenin the position of lover before.'
'It is a satisfaction, I suppose, to be the first in your heart,'she said to him, with an attempt to continue her smiling.
'I am going to ask you a question now,' said Knight, somewhatawkwardly. 'I only ask it in a whimsical way, you know: not withgreat seriousness, Elfride. You may think it odd, perhaps.'
'Oh no--I shall not think that,' she said, because obliged to saysomething to fill the pause which followed her questioner'sremark.
'It is this: have you ever had a lover? I am almost sure you havenot; but, have you?'
'Not, as it were, a lover; I mean, not worth mentioning, Harry,'she faltered.
Knight, overstrained in sentiment as he knew the feeling to be,felt some sickness of heart.
'Still, he was a lover?'
'Well, a sort of lover, I suppose,' she responded tardily.
'A man, I mean, you know.'
'Yes; but only a mere person, and----'
'But truly your lover?'
'Yes; a lover certainly--he was that. Yes, he might have beencalled my lover.'
Knight said nothing to this for a minute or more, and kept silenttime with his finger to the tick of the old library clock, inwhich room the colloquy was going on.
'You don't mind, Harry, do you?' she said anxiously, nestlingclose to him, and watching his face.
'Of course, I don't seriously mind. In reason, a man cannotobject to such a trifle. I only thought you hadn't--that wasall.'
However, one ray was abstracted from the glory about her head.But afterwards, when Knight was wandering by himself over the bareand breezy hills, and meditating on the subject, that ray suddenlyreturned. For she might have had a lover, and never have cared inthe least for him. She might have used the word improperly, andmeant 'admirer' all the time. Of course she had been admired; andone man might have made his admiration more prominent than that ofthe rest--a very natural case.
They were sitting on one of the garden seats when he foundoccasion to put the supposition to the test. 'Did you love thatlover or admirer of yours ever so little, Elfie?'
She murmured reluctantly, 'Yes, I think I did.'
Knight felt the same faint touch of misery. 'Only a very little?'he said.
nonsense.'delicate by his seclusion,like plants.
'I am not sure how much.'
'But you are sure, darling, you loved him a little?'
'I think I am sure I loved him a little.'
'And not a great deal, Elfie?'
'My love was not supported by reverence for his powers.'
'But, Elfride, did you love him deeply?' said Knight restlessly.
'I don't exactly know how deep you mean by deeply.'
'That's nonsense.'
'You misapprehend; and you have let go my hand!' she cried, hereyes filling with tears. 'Harry, don't be severe with me, anddon't question me. I did not love him as I do you. And could itbe deeply if I did not think him cleverer than myself? For I didnot. You grieve me so much--you can't think.'
'I will not say another word about it.'
'And you will not think about it, either, will you? I know youthink of weaknesses in me after I am out of your sight; and notknowing what they are, I cannot combat them. I almost wish youwere of a grosser nature, Harry; in truth I do! Or rather, I wishI could have the advantages such a nature in you would afford me,and yet have you as you are.'
'What advantages would they be?'
'Less anxiety, and more security. Ordinary men are not sodelicate in their tastes as you; and where the lover or husband isnot fastidious, and refined, and of a deep nature, things seem togo on better, I fancy--as far as I have been able to observe theworld.'
'Yes; I suppose it is right. Shallowness has this advantage, thatyou can't be drowned there.'
'But I think I'll have you as you are; yes, I will!' she saidwinsomely. 'The practical husbands and wives who take thingsphilosophically are very humdrum, are they not? Yes, it would killme quite. You please me best as you are.'
'Even though I wish you had never cared for one before me?'
'Yes. And you must not wish it. Don't!'
'I'll try not to, Elfride.'
So she hoped, but her heart was troubled. If he felt so deeply onthis point, what would he say did he know all, and see it as Mrs.Jethway saw it? He would never make her the happiest girl in theworld by taking her to be his own for aye. The thought enclosedher as a tomb whenever it presented itself to her perturbed brain.She tried to believe that Mrs. Jethway would never do her such acruel wrong as to increase the bad appearance of her folly byinnuendoes; and concluded that concealment, having been begun,must be persisted in, if possible. For what he might consider asbad as the fact, was her previous concealment of it by strategy.
But Elfride knew Mrs. Jethway to be her enemy, and to hate her.It was possible she would do her worst. And should she do it, allmight be over.
Would the woman listen to reason, and be persuaded not to ruin onewho had never intentionally harmed her?
It was night in the valley between Endelstow Crags and the shore.The brook which trickled that way to the sea was distinct in itsmurmurs now, and over the line of its course there began to hang awhite riband of fog. Against the sky, on the left hand of thevale, the black form of the church could be seen. On the otherrose hazel-bushes, a few trees, and where these were absent, furzetufts--as tall as men--on stems nearly as stout as timber. Theshriek of some bird was occasionally heard, as it flew terror-stricken from its first roost, to seek a new sleeping-place, whereit might pass the night unmolested.
In the evening shade, some way down the valley, and under a row ofscrubby oaks, a cottage could still be discerned. It stoodabsolutely alone. The house was rather large, and the windows ofsome of the rooms were nailed up with boards on the outside, whichgave a particularly deserted appearance to the whole erection.From the front door an irregular series of rough and misshapensteps, cut in the solid rock, led down to the edge of thestreamlet, which, at their extremity, was hollowed into a basinthrough which the water trickled. This was evidently the means ofwater supply to the dweller or dwellers in the cottage.
A light footstep was heard descending from the higher slopes ofthe hillside. Indistinct in the pathway appeared a moving femaleshape, who advanced and knocked timidly at the door. No answerbeing returned the knock was repeated, with the same result, andit was then repeated a third time. This also was unsuccessful.
From one of the only two windows on the ground floor which werenot boarded up came rays of light, no shutter or curtain obscuringthe room from the eyes of a passer on the outside. So few walkedthat way after nightfall that any such means to secure secrecywere probably deemed unnecessary.
The inequality of the rays falling upon the trees outside toldthat the light had its origin in a flickering fire only. Thevisitor, after the third knocking, stepped a little to the left inorder to gain a view of the interior, and threw back the hood fromher face. The dancing yellow sheen revealed the fair and anxiouscountenance of Elfride.
Inside the house this firelight was enough to illumine the roomdistinctly, and to show that the furniture of the cottage wassuperior to what might have been expected from so unpromising anexterior. It also showed to Elfride that the room was empty.Beyond the light quiver and flap of the flames nothing moved orwas audible therein.
She turned the handle and entered, throwing off the cloak whichenveloped her, under which she appeared without hat or bonnet, andin the sort of half-toilette country people ordinarily dine in.Then advancing to the foot of the staircase she called distinctly,but somewhat fearfully, 'Mrs. Jethway!'
No answer.
With a look of relief and regret combined, denoting that ease cameto the heart and disappointment to the brain, Elfride paused forseveral minutes, as if undecided how to act. Determining to wait,she sat down on a chair. The minutes drew on, and after sittingon the thorns of impatience for half an hour, she searched herpocket, took therefrom a letter, and tore off the blank leaf.Then taking out a pencil she wrote upon the paper:
refined, and of a deep nature, things.
'DEAR MRS. JETHWAY,--I have been to visit you. I wanted much tosee you, but I cannot wait any longer. I came to beg you not toexecute the threats you have repeated to me. Do not, I beseechyou, Mrs. Jethway, let any one know I ran away from home! It wouldruin me with him, and break my heart. I will do anything for you,if you will be kind to me. In the name of our common womanhood,do not, I implore you, make a scandal of me.--Yours, E.SWANCOURT.'
She folded the note cornerwise, directed it, and placed it on thetable. Then again drawing the hood over her curly head sheemerged silently as she had come.
Whilst this episode had been in action at Mrs. Jethway's cottage,Knight had gone from the dining-room into the drawing-room, andfound Mrs. Swancourt there alone.
'Elfride has vanished upstairs or somewhere,' she said.
'And I have been reading an article in an old number of thePRESENT that I lighted on by chance a short time ago; it is anarticle you once told us was yours. Well, Harry, with duedeference to your literary powers, allow me to say that thiseffusion is all nonsense, in my opinion.'
'What is it about?' said Knight, taking up the paper and reading.
'There: don't get red about it. Own that experience has taughtyou to be more charitable. I have never read such unchivalroussentiments in my life--from a man, I mean. There, I forgive you;it was before you knew Elfride.'
'Oh yes,' said Knight, looking up. 'I remember now. The text ofthat sermon was not my own at all, but was suggested to me by ayoung man named Smith--the same whom I have mentioned to you ascoming from this parish. I thought the idea rather ingenious atthe time, and enlarged it to the weight of a few guineas, becauseI had nothing else in my head.'
'Which idea do you call the text? I am curious to know that.'
'Well, this,' said Knight, somewhat unwillingly. 'That experienceteaches, and your sweetheart, no less than your tailor, isnecessarily very imperfect in her duties, if you are her firstpatron: and conversely, the sweetheart who is graceful under theinitial kiss must be supposed to have had some practice in thetrade.'
'And do you mean to say that you wrote that upon the strength ofanother man's remark, without having tested it by practice?'
'Yes--indeed I do.'
'Then I think it was uncalled for and unfair. And how do you knowit is true? I expect you regret it now.'
'Since you bring me into a serious mood, I will speak candidly. Ido believe that remark to be perfectly true, and, having writtenit, I would defend it anywhere. But I do often regret having everwritten it, as well as others of the sort. I have grown oldersince, and I find such a tone of writing is calculated to do harmin the world. Every literary Jack becomes a gentleman if he canonly pen a few indifferent satires upon womankind: womenthemselves, too, have taken to the trick; and so, upon the whole,I begin to be rather ashamed of my companions.'
'Ah, Henry, you have fallen in love since and it makes adifference,' said Mrs. Swancourt with a faint tone of banter.
'That's true; but that is not my reason.'
'Having found that, in a case of your own experience, a so-calledgoose was a swan, it seems absurd to deny such a possibility inother men's experiences.'
'You can hit palpably, cousin Charlotte,' said Knight. 'You arelike the boy who puts a stone inside his snowball, and I shallplay with you no longer. Excuse me--I am going for my eveningstroll.'
Though Knight had spoken jestingly, this incident and conversationhad caused him a sudden depression. Coming, rather singularly,just after his discovery that Elfride had known what it was tolove warmly before she had known him, his mind dwelt upon thesubject, and the familiar pipe he smoked, whilst pacing up anddown the shrubbery-path, failed to be a solace. He thought againof those idle words--hitherto quite forgotten--about the firstkiss of a girl, and the theory seemed more than reasonable. Ofcourse their sting now lay in their bearing on Elfride.
Elfride, under Knight's kiss, had certainly been a very differentwoman from herself under Stephen's. Whether for good or for ill,she had marvellously well learnt a betrothed lady's part; and thefascinating finish of her deportment in this second campaign didprobably arise from her unreserved encouragement of Stephen.Knight, with all the rapidity of jealous sensitiveness, pouncedupon some words she had inadvertently let fall about an earring,which he had only partially understood at the time. It was duringthat 'initial kiss' by the little waterfall:
'We must be careful. I lost the other by doing this!'
No answer. thisautumn at your chambers,' she was saying.
A flush which had in it as much of wounded pride as of sorrow,passed over Knight as he thought of what he had so frequently saidto her in his simplicity. 'I always meant to be the first comerin a woman's heart, fresh lips or none for me.' How childishlyblind he must have seemed to this mere girl! How she must havelaughed at him inwardly! He absolutely writhed as he thought ofthe confession she had wrung from him on the boat in the darknessof night. The one conception which had sustained his dignity whendrawn out of his shell on that occasion--that of her charmingignorance of all such matters--how absurd it was!
This man, whose imagination had been fed up to preternatural sizeby lonely study and silent observations of his kind--whoseemotions had been drawn out long and delicate by his seclusion,like plants in a cellar--was now absolutely in pain. Moreover,several years of poetic study, and, if the truth must be told,poetic efforts, had tended to develop the affective side of hisconstitution still further, in proportion to his active faculties.It was his belief in the absolute newness of blandishment toElfride which had constituted her primary charm. He began tothink it was as hard to be earliest in a woman's heart as it wasto be first in the Pool of Bethesda.
That Knight should have been thus constituted: that Elfride'ssecond lover should not have been one of the great mass ofbustling mankind, little given to introspection, whose good-naturemight have compensated for any lack of appreciativeness, was thechance of things. That her throbbing, self-confounding,indiscreet heart should have to defend itself unaided against thekeen scrutiny and logical power which Knight, now that hissuspicions were awakened, would sooner or later be sure toexercise against her, was her misfortune. A miserable incongruitywas apparent in the circumstance of a strong mind practising itsunerring archery upon a heart which the owner of that mind lovedbetter than his own.
Elfride's docile devotion to Knight was now its own enemy.Clinging to him so dependently, she taught him in time to presumeupon that devotion--a lesson men are not slow to learn. A slightrebelliousness occasionally would have done him no harm, and wouldhave been a world of advantage to her. But she idolized him, andwas proud to be his bond-servant.