米德尔马契 英文版 Middlemarch
乔治.艾略特 George Eliot
CHAPTER LVIII. Page 2
Its novelty made it the more irritating. He was amazed,disgusted that conditions so foreign to all his purposes, so hatefullydisconnected with the objects he cared to occupy himself with,should have lain in ambush and clutched him when he was unaware.And there was not only the actual debt; there was the certaintythat in his present position he must go on deepening it.Two furnishing tradesmen at Brassing, whose bills had been incurredbefore his marriage, and whom uncalculated current expenses hadever since prevented him from paying, had repeatedly sent himunpleasant letters which had forced themselves on his attention.This could hardly have been more galling to any disposition thanto Lydgate's, with his intense pride--his dislike of asking a favoror being under an obligation to any one. He had scorned even to formconjectures about Mr. Vincy's intentions on money matters, and nothingbut extremity could have induced him to apply to his father-in-law,even if he had not been made aware in various indirect ways sincehis marriage that Mr. Vincy's own affairs were not flourishing,and that the expectation of help from him would be resented.Some men easily trust in the readiness of friends; it had never inthe former part of his life occurred to Lydgate that he should needto do so: he had never thought what borrowing would be to him;but now that the idea had entered his mind, he felt that he wouldrather incur any other hardship. In the mean time he had no moneyor prospects of money; and his practice was not getting more lucrative.
No wonder that Lydgate had been unable to suppress all signsof inward trouble during the last few months, and now thatRosamond was regaining brilliant health, he meditated taking herentirely into confidence on his difficulties. New conversancewith tradesmen's bills had forced his reasoning into a newchannel of comparison: he had begun to consider from a new pointof view what was necessary and unnecessary in goods ordered,and to see that there must be some change of habits. How couldsuch a change be made without Rosamond's concurrence? The immediateoccasion of opening the disagreeable fact to her was forced upon him.
Having no money, and having privately sought advice as to what securitycould possibly be given by a man in his position, Lydgate had offeredthe one good security in his power to the less peremptory creditor,who was a silversmith and jeweller, and who consented to take on himselfthe upholsterer's credit also, accepting interest for a given term.The security necessary was a bill of sale on the furniture of his house,which might make a creditor easy for a reasonable time about a debtamounting to less than four hundred pounds; and the silversmith,Mr. Dover, was willing to reduce it by taking back a portionof the plate and any other article which was as good as new."Any other article" was a phrase delicately implying jewellery,and more particularly some purple amethysts costing thirty pounds,which Lydgate had bought as a bridal present.
Opinions may be divided as to his wisdom in making this present:some may think that it was a graceful attention to be expected froma man like Lydgate, and that the fault of any troublesome consequenceslay in the pinched narrowness of provincial life at that time,which offered no conveniences for professional people whose fortunewas not proportioned to their tastes; also, in Lydgate's ridiculousfastidiousness about asking his friends for money.
However, it had seemed a question of no moment to him on that finemorning when he went to give a final order for plate: in thepresence of other jewels enormously expensive, and as an additionto orders of which the amount had not been exactly calculated,thirty pounds for ornaments so exquisitely suited to Rosamond'sneck and arms could hardly appear excessive when there was no readycash for it to exceed. But at this crisis Lydgate's imaginationcould not help dwelling on the possibility of letting the amethyststake their place again among Mr. Dover's stock, though he shrankfrom the idea of proposing this to Rosamond. Having been roused todiscern consequences which he had never been in the habit of tracing,he was preparing to act on this discernment with some of the rigor(by no means all) that he would have applied in pursuing experiment.He was nerving himself to this rigor as he rode from Brassing,and meditated on the representations he must make to Rosamond.
It was evening when he got home. He was intensely miserable,this strong man of nine-and-twenty and of many gifts. He was notsaying angrily within himself that he had made a profound mistake;but the mistake was at work in him like a recognized chronic disease,mingling its uneasy importunities with every prospect, and enfeeblingevery thought. As he went along the passage to the drawing-room,he heard the piano and singing. Of course, Ladislaw was there.It was some weeks since Will had parted from Dorothea, yet he wasstill at the old post in Middlemarch. Lydgate had no objectionin general to Ladislaw's coming, but just now he was annoyed that hecould not find his hearth free. When he opened the door the twosingers went on towards the key-note, raising their eyes and lookingat him indeed, but not regarding his entrance as an interruption.To a man galled with his harness as poor Lydgate was, it is notsoothing to see two people warbling at him, as he comes in with thesense that the painful day has still pains in store. His face,already paler than usual, took on a scowl as he walked across the roomand flung himself into a chair.
The singers feeling themselves excused by the fact that they hadonly three bars to sing, now turned round.
"How are you, Lydgate?" said Will, coming forward to shake hands.
Lydgate took his hand, but did not think it necessary to speak.
"Have you dined, Tertius? I expected you much earlier," said Rosamond,who had already seen that her husband was in a "horrible humor."She seated herself in her usual place as she spoke.
"I have dined. I should like some tea, please," said Lydgate,curtly, still scowling and looking markedly at his legs stretchedout before him.
Will was too quick to need more. "I shall be off," he said,reaching his hat.
"Tea is coming," said Rosamond; "pray don't go."
send them away," said Lydgate, the peremptorinessrising again. Was it of any use to explain?jewellery.
"Yes, Lydgate is bored," said Will, who had more comprehensionof Lydgate than Rosamond had, and was not offended by his manner,easily imagining outdoor causes of annoyance.
"There is the more need for you to stay," said Rosamond, playfully,and in her lightest accent; "he will not speak to me all the evening."
"Yes, Rosamond, I shall," said Lydgate, in his strong baritone."I have some serious business to speak to you about."
No introduction of the business could have been less like thatwhich Lydgate had intended; but her indifferent manner had beentoo provoking.
"There! you see," said Will. "I'm going to the meeting aboutthe Mechanics' Institute. Good-by;" and he went quickly out of the room.
Rosamond did not look at her husband, but presently rose and tookher place before the tea-tray. She was thinking that she had neverseen him so disagreeable. Lydgate turned his dark eyes on herand watched her as she delicately handled the tea-service with hertaper fingers, and looked at the objects immediately before herwith no curve in her face disturbed, and yet with an ineffableprotest in her air against all people with unpleasant manners.For the moment he lost the sense of his wound in a sudden speculationabout this new form of feminine impassibility revealing itselfin the sylph-like frame which he had once interpreted as the signof a ready intelligent sensitiveness. His mind glancing back to Laurewhile he looked at Rosamond, he said inwardly, "Would _she_ kill mebecause I wearied her?" and then, "It is the way with all women."But this power of generalizing which gives men so much the superiorityin mistake over the dumb animals, was immediately thwarted by Lydgate'smemory of wondering impressions from the behavior of another woman--from Dorothea's looks and tones of emotion about her husbandwhen Lydgate began to attend him--from her passionate cry to betaught what would best comfort that man for whose sake it seemedas if she must quell every impulse in her except the yearningsof faithfulness and compassion. These revived impressions succeededeach other quickly and dreamily in Lydgate's mind while the teawas being brewed. He had shut his eyes in the last instant ofreverie while he heard Dorothea saying, "Advise me--think what Ican do--he has been all his life laboring and looking forward.He minds about nothing else--and I mind about nothing else."
That voice of deep-souled womanhood had remained within him as theenkindling conceptions of dead and sceptred genius had remainedwithin him (is there not a genius for feeling nobly which alsoreigns over human spirits and their conclusions?); the tones werea music from which he was falling away--he had really fallen intoa momentary doze, when Rosamond said in her silvery neutral way,"Here is your tea, Tertius," setting it on the small table byhis side, and then moved back to her place without looking at him.Lydgate was too hasty in attributing insensibility to her; after herown fashion, she was sensitive enough, and took lasting impressions.Her impression now was one of offence and repulsion. But then,Rosamond had no scowls and had never raised her voice: she wasquite sure that no one could justly find fault with her.
Perhaps Lydgate and she had never felt so far off each other before;but there were strong reasons for not deferring his revelation,even if he had not already begun it by that abrupt announcement;indeed some of the angry desire to rouse her into more sensibilityon his account which had prompted him to speak prematurely,still mingled with his pain in the prospect of her pain.But he waited till the tray was gone, the candles were lit,and the evening quiet might be counted on: the interval had lefttime for repelled tenderness to return into the old course.He spoke kindly.
"Dear Rosy, lay down your work and come to sit by me," he said,gently, pushing away the table, and stretching out his arm to drawa chair near his own.
Rosamond obeyed. As she came towards him in her drapery oftransparent faintly tinted muslin, her slim yet round figure neverlooked more graceful; as she sat down by him and laid one handon the elbow of his chair, at last looking at him and meetinghis eyes, her delicate neck and cheek and purely cut lips never hadmore of that untarnished beauty which touches as in spring-timeand infancy and all sweet freshness. It touched Lydgate now,and mingled the early moments of his love for her with all theother memories which were stirred in this crisis of deep trouble.He laid his ample hand softly on hers, saying--
"Dear!" with the lingering utterance which affection gives tothe word. Rosamond too was still under the power of that same past,and her husband was still in part the Lydgate whose approval hadstirred delight. She put his hair lightly away from his forehead,then laid her other hand on his, and was conscious of forgiving him.
"I am obliged to tell you what will hurt you, Rosy. But thereare things which husband and wife must think of together. I daresay it has occurred to you already that I am short of money."
Lydgate paused; but Rosamond turned her neck and looked at a vaseon the mantel-piece.
"I was not able to pay for all the things we had to get before wewere married, and there have been expenses since which I havebeen obliged to meet. The consequence is, there is a large debtat Brassing--three hundred and eighty pounds--which has been pressingon me a good while, and in fact we are getting deeper every day,for people don't pay me the faster because others want the money.I took pains to keep it from you while you were not well; but now wemust think together about it, and you must help me."
"What can--I--do, Tertius?" said Rosamond, turning her eyes on him again.That little speech of four words, like so many others in all languages,is capable by varied vocal inflections of expressing all states of mindfrom helpless dimness to exhaustive argumentative perception, from thecompletest self-devoting fellowship to the most neutral aloofness.Rosamond's thin utterance threw into the words "What can--I--do!"as much neutrality as they could hold. They fell like a mortal chillon Lydgate's roused tenderness. He did not storm in indignation--he felt too sad a sinking of the heart. And when he spoke againit was more in the tone of a man who forces himself to fulfil a task.
"It is necessary for you to know, because I have to give securityfor a time, and a man must come to make an inventory of the furniture."
Rosamond colored deeply. "Have you not asked papa for money?"she said, as soon as she could speak.
"No."
"Then I must ask him!" she said, releasing her hands from Lydgate's,and rising to stand at two yards' distance from him.
"No, Rosy," said Lydgate, decisively. "It is too late to do that.The inventory will be begun to-morrow. Remember it is a mere security:it will make no difference: it is a temporary affair. I insist uponit that your father shall not know, unless I choose to tell him,"added Lydgate, with a more peremptory emphasis.
This certainly was unkind, but Rosamond had thrown him backon evil expectation as to what she would do in the way of quietsteady disobedience. The unkindness seemed unpardonable to her:she was not given to weeping and disliked it, but now her chin andlips began to tremble and the tears welled up. Perhaps it was notpossible for Lydgate, under the double stress of outward materialdifficulty and of his own proud resistance to humiliating consequences,to imagine fully what this sudden trial was to a young creaturewho had known nothing but indulgence, and whose dreams had all beenof new indulgence, more exactly to her taste. But he did wish tospare her as much as he could, and her tears cut him to the heart.He could not speak again immediately; but Rosamond did not goon sobbing: she tried to conquer her agitation and wiped awayher tears, continuing to look before her at the mantel-piece.
"Try not to grieve, darling," said Lydgate, turning his eyes uptowards her. That she had chosen to move away from him in thismoment of her trouble made everything harder to say, but he mustabsolutely go on. "We must brace ourselves to do what is necessary.It is I who have been in fault: I ought to have seen that Icould not afford-to live in this way. But many things have toldagainst me in my practice, and it really just now has ebbedto a low point. I may recover it, but in the mean time we mustpull up--we must change our way of living. We shall weather it.When I have given this security I shall have time to look about me;and you are so clever that if you turn your mind to managing youwill school me into carefulness. I have been a thoughtless rascalabout squaring prices--but come, dear, sit down and forgive me."
Lydgate was bowing his neck under the yoke like a creaturewho had talons, but who had Reason too, which often reduces usto meekness. When he had spoken the last words in an imploring tone,Rosamond returned to the chair by his side. His self-blame gaveher some hope that he would attend to her opinion, and she said--
"Why can you not put off having the inventory made? You can sendthe men away to-morrow when they come."
"I shall not send them away," said Lydgate, the peremptorinessrising again. Was it of any use to explain?
"If we left Middlemarch? there would of course be a sale,and that would do as well."
"But we are not going to leave Middlemarch."
"I am sure, Tertius, it would be much better to do so. Why can wenot go to London? Or near Durham, where your family is known?"
"We can go nowhere without money, Rosamond."
"Your friends would not wish you to be without money. And surelythese odious tradesmen might be made to understand that, and to wait,if you would make proper representations to them."
"This is idle Rosamond," said Lydgate, angrily. "You mustlearn to take my judgment on questions you don't understand.I have made necessary arrangements, and they must be carried out.As to friends, I have no expectations whatever from them, and shallnot ask them for anything."
Rosamond sat perfectly still. The thought in her mind was that if shehad known how Lydgate would behave, she would never have married him.
"We have no time to waste now on unnecessary words, dear,"said Lydgate, trying to be gentle again. "There are some detailsthat I want to consider with you. Dover says he will take a gooddeal of the plate back again, and any of the jewellery we like.He really behaves very well."
"Are we to go without spoons and forks then?" said Rosamond, whose verylips seemed to get thinner with the thinness of her utterance.She was determined to make no further resistance or suggestions.
"Oh no, dear!" said Lydgate. "But look here," he continued,drawing a paper from his pocket and opening it; "here isDover's account. See, I have marked a number of articles,which if we returned them would reduce the amount by thirty pounds.and more. I have not marked any of the jewellery." Lydgate hadreally felt this point of the jewellery very bitter to himself;but he had overcome the feeling by severe argument. He could notpropose to Rosamond that she should return any particular presentof his, but he had told himself that he was bound to put Dover'soffer before her, and her inward prompting might make the affair easy.
"It is useless for me to look, Tertius," said Rosamond, calmly;"you will return what you please." She would not turn her eyeson the paper, and Lydgate, flushing up to the roots of his hair,drew it back and let it fall on his knee. Meanwhile Rosamond quietlywent out of the room, leaving Lydgate helpless and wondering.Was she not coming back? It seemed that she had no more identifiedherself with him than if they had been creatures of different speciesand opposing interests. He tossed his head and thrust his hands deepinto his pockets with a sort of vengeance. There was still science--there were still good objects to work for. He must give a tug still--all the stronger because other satisfactions were going.
But the door opened and Rosamond re-entered. She carried theleather box containing the amethysts, and a tiny ornamental basketwhich contained other boxes, and laying them on the chair whereshe had been sitting, she said, with perfect propriety in her air--
"This is all the jewellery you ever gave me. You can return whatyou like of it, and of the plate also. You will not, of course,expect me to stay at home to-morrow. I shall go to papa's."
To many women the look Lydgate cast at her would have been moreterrible than one of anger: it had in it a despairing acceptanceof the distance she was placing between them.
"And when shall you come back again?" he said, with a bitter edgeon his accent.
"Oh, in the evening. Of course I shall not mention the subjectto mamma." Rosamond was convinced that no woman could behavemore irreproachably than she was behaving; and she went to sitdown at her work-table. Lydgate sat meditating a minute or two,and the result was that he said, with some of the old emotionin his tone--
"Now we have been united, Rosy, you should not leave me to myselfin the first trouble that has come."
"Certainly not," said Rosamond; "I shall do everything it becomesme to do."
"It is not right that the thing should be left to servants, or that Ishould have to speak to them about it. And I shall be obligedto go out--I don't know how early. I understand your shrinkingfrom the humiliation of these money affairs. But, my dear Rosamond,as a question of pride, which I feel just as much as you can, it issurely better to manage the thing ourselves, and let the servantssee as little of it as possible; and since you are my wife, there isno hindering your share in my disgraces--if there were disgraces."
Rosamond did not answer immediately, but at last she said, "Very well,I will stay at home."
"I shall not touch these jewels, Rosy. Take them away again.But I will write out a list of plate that we may return, and that canbe packed up and sent at once."
"The servants will know _that_," said Rosamond, with the slightesttouch of sarcasm.
"Well, we must meet some disagreeables as necessities. Where isthe ink, I wonder?" said Lydgate, rising, and throwing the accounton the larger table where he meant to write.
Rosamond went to reach the inkstand, and after setting it on the tablewas going to turn away, when Lydgate, who was standing close by,put his arm round her and drew her towards him, saying--
"Come, darling, let us make the best of things. It will only befor a time, I hope, that we shall have to be stingy and particular.Kiss me."
His native warm-heartedness took a great deal of quenching,and it is a part of manliness for a husband to feel keenly the factthat an inexperienced girl has got into trouble by marrying him.She received his kiss and returned it faintly, and in this wayan appearance of accord was recovered for the time. But Lydgatecould not help looking forward with dread to the inevitable futurediscussions about expenditure and the necessity for a complete changein their way of living.