Daniel Deronda
乔治.艾略特 George Eliot
CHAPTER LXVIII.
"All thoughts, all passions, all delights,Whatever stirs this mortal frame,All are but ministers of Love,And feed his sacred flame."--COLERIDGE.
Deronda's eagerness to confess his love could hardly have had a strongerstimulus than Hans had given it in his assurance that Mirah needed relieffrom jealousy. He went on his next visit to Ezra with the determination tobe resolute in using--nay, in requesting--an opportunity of privateconversation with her. If she accepted his love, he felt courageous aboutall other consequences, and as her betrothed husband he would gain aprotective authority which might be a desirable defense for her in futuredifficulties with her father. Deronda had not observed any signs ofgrowing restlessness in Lapidoth, or of diminished desire to recommendhimself; but he had forebodings of some future struggle, somemortification, or some intolerable increase of domestic disquietude inwhich he might save Ezra and Mirah from being helpless victims.
His forebodings would have been strengthened if he had known what wasgoing on in the father's mind. That amount of restlessness, thatdesultoriness of attention, which made a small torture to Ezra, was toLapidoth an irksome submission to restraint, only made bearable by histhinking of it as a means of by-and-by securing a well-conditionedfreedom. He began with the intention of awaiting some really good chance,such as an opening for getting a considerable sum from Deronda; but allthe while he was looking about curiously, and trying to discover whereMirah deposited her money and her keys. The imperious gambling desirewithin him, which carried on its activity through every other occupation,and made a continuous web of imagination that held all else in its meshes,would hardly have been under the control of a contracted purpose, if hehad been able to lay his hands on any sum worth capturing. But Mirah, withher practical clear-sightedness, guarded against any frustration of thepromise she had given to Ezra, by confiding all money, except what she wasimmediately in want of, to Mrs. Meyrick's care, and Lapidoth felt himselfunder an irritating completeness of supply in kind as in a lunatic asylumwhere everything was made safe against him. To have opened a desk ordrawer of Mirah's, and pocketed any bank-notes found there, would havebeen to his mind a sort of domestic appropriation which had no disgrace init; the degrees of liberty a man allows himself with other people'sproperty being often delicately drawn, even beyond the boundary where thelaw begins to lay its hold--which is the reason why spoons are a saferinvestment than mining shares. Lapidoth really felt himself injuriouslytreated by his daughter, and thought that he ought to have had what hewanted of her other earnings as he had of her apple-tart. But he remainedsubmissive; indeed, the indiscretion that most tempted him, was not anyinsistance with Mirah, but some kind of appeal to Deronda. Clever personswho have nothing else to sell can often put a good price on their absence,and Lapidoth's difficult search for devices forced upon him the idea thathis family would find themselves happier without him, and that Derondawould be willing to advance a considerable sum for the sake of getting ridof him. But, in spite of well-practiced hardihood, Lapidoth was still insome awe of Ezra's imposing friend, and deferred his purpose indefinitely.
On this day, when Deronda had come full of a gladdened consciousness,which inevitably showed itself in his air and speech, Lapidoth was at acrisis of discontent and longing that made his mind busy with schemes offreedom, and Deronda's new amenity encouraged them. This pre-occupationwas at last so strong as to interfere with his usual show of interest inwhat went forward, and his persistence in sitting by even when there wasreading which he could not follow. After sitting a little while, he wentout to smoke and walk in the square, and the two friends were all theeasier. Mirah was not at home, but she was sure to be in again beforeDeronda left, and his eyes glowed with a secret anticipation: he thoughtthat when he saw her again he should see some sweetness of recognition forhimself to which his eyes had been sealed before. There was an additionalplayful affectionateness in his manner toward Ezra.
"This little room is too close for you, Ezra," he said, breaking off hisreading. "The week's heat we sometimes get here is worse than the heat inGenoa, where one sits in the shaded coolness of large rooms. You must havea better home now. I shall do as I like with you, being the strongerhalf." He smiled toward Ezra, who said--
"I am straitened for nothing except breath. But you, who might be in aspacious palace, with the wide green country around you, find this anarrow prison. Nevertheless, I cannot say, 'Go.'"
"Oh, the country would be a banishment while you are here," said Deronda,rising and walking round the double room, which yet offered no longpromenade, while he made a great fan of his handkerchief. "This is thehappiest room in the world to me. Besides, I will imagine myself in theEast, since I am getting ready to go there some day. Only I will not weara cravat and a heavy ring there," he ended emphatically, pausing to takeoff those superfluities and deposit them on a small table behind Ezra, whohad the table in front of him covered with books and papers.
"I have been wearing my memorable ring ever since I came home," he wenton, as he reseated himself. "But I am such a Sybarite that I constantlyput it off as a burden when I am doing anything. I understand why theRomans had summer rings--_if_ they had them. Now then, I shall get onbetter."
They were soon absorbed in their work again. Deronda was reading a pieceof rabbinical Hebrew under Ezra's correction and comment, and they tooklittle notice when Lapidoth re-entered and took a seat somewhat in thebackground.
His rambling eyes quickly alighted on the ring that sparkled on the bit ofdark mahogany. During his walk, his mind had been occupied with thefiction of an advantageous opening for him abroad, only requiring a sum ofready money, which, on being communicated to Deronda in private, mightimmediately draw from him a question as to the amount of the required sum:and it was this part of his forecast that Lapidoth found the mostdebatable, there being a danger in asking too much, and a prospectiveregret in asking too little. His own desire gave him no limit, and he wasquite without guidance as to the limit of Deronda's willingness. But now,in the midst of these airy conditions preparatory to a receipt whichremained indefinite, this ring, which on Deronda's finger had becomefamiliar to Lapidoth's envy, suddenly shone detached and within easygrasp. Its value was certainly below the smallest of the imaginary sumsthat his purpose fluctuated between; but then it was before him as a solidfact, and his desire at once leaped into the thought (not yet anintention) that if he were quietly to pocket that ring and walk away hewould have the means of comfortable escape from present restraint, withouttrouble, and also without danger; for any property of Deronda's (availablewithout his formal consent) was all one with his children's property,since their father would never be prosecuted for taking it. The details ofthis thinking followed each other so quickly that they seemed to risebefore him as one picture. Lapidoth had never committed larceny; butlarceny is a form of appropriation for which people are punished by law;and, take this ring from a virtual relation, who would have been willingto make a much heavier gift, would not come under the head of larceny.Still, the heavier gift was to be preferred, if Lapidoth could only makehaste enough in asking for it, and the imaginary action of taking thering, which kept repeating itself like an inward tune, sank into arejected idea. He satisfied his urgent longing by resolving to go below,and watch for the moment of Deronda's departure, when he would ask leaveto join him in his walk and boldly carry out his meditated plan. He roseand stood looking out of the window, but all the while he saw what laybeyond him--the brief passage he would have to make to the door close bythe table where the ring was. However he was resolved to go down; but--byno distinct change of resolution, rather by a dominance of desire, likethe thirst of the drunkard--it so happened that in passing the table hisfingers fell noiselessly on the ring, and he found himself in the passagewith the ring in his hand. It followed that he put on his hat and quittedthe house. The possibility of again throwing himself on his childrenreceded into the indefinite distance, and before he was out on the squarehis sense of haste had concentrated itself on selling the ring and gettingon shipboard.
Deronda and Ezra were just aware of his exit; that was all. But, by-and-by, Mirah came in and made a real interruption. She had not taken off herhat; and when Deronda rose and advanced to shake hands with her, she said,in a confusion at once unaccountable and troublesome to herself--
"I only came in to see that Ezra had his new draught. I must go directlyto Mrs. Meyrick's to fetch something."
"Pray allow me to walk with you," said Deronda urgently. "I must not tireEzra any further; besides my brains are melting. I want to go to Mrs.Meyrick's: may I go with you?"
"Oh, yes," said Mirah, blushing still more, with the vague sense ofsomething new in Deronda, and turning away to pour out Ezra's draught;Ezra meanwhile throwing back his head with his eyes shut, unable to gethis mind away from the ideas that had been filling it while the readingwas going on. Deronda for a moment stood thinking of nothing but the walk,till Mirah turned round again and brought the draught, when he suddenlyremembered that he had laid aside his cravat, and saying--"Pray excuse mydishabille--I did not mean you to see it," he went to the little table,took up his cravat, and exclaimed with a violent impulse of surprise,"Good heavens, where is my ring gone?" beginning to search about on thefloor.
Ezra looked round the corner of his chair. Mirah, quick as thought, wentto the spot where Deronda was seeking, and said, "Did you lay it down?"
"Yes," said Deronda, still unvisited by any other explanation than thatthe ring had fallen and was lurking in shadow, indiscernable on thevariegated carpet. He was moving the bits of furniture near, and searchingin all possible and impossible places with hand and eyes.
But another explanation had visited Mirah and taken the color from hercheeks. She went to Ezra's ear and whispered "Was my father here?" He benthis head in reply, meeting her eyes with terrible understanding. Shedarted back to the spot where Deronda was still casting down his eyes inthat hopeless exploration which are apt to carry on over a space we haveexamined in vain. "You have not found it?" she said, hurriedly.
He, meeting her frightened gaze, immediately caught alarm from it andanswered, "I perhaps put it in my pocket," professing to feel for itthere.
She watched him and said, "It is not there?--you put it on the table,"with a penetrating voice that would not let him feign to have found it inhis pocket; and immediately she rushed out of the room. Deronda followedher--she was gone into the sitting-room below to look for her father--sheopened the door of the bedroom to see if he were there--she looked wherehis hat usually hung--she turned with her hands clasped tight and her lipspale, gazing despairingly out of the window. Then she looked up atDeronda, who had not dared to speak to her in her white agitation. Shelooked up at him, unable to utter a word--the look seemed a tacitacceptance of the humiliation she felt in his presence. But he, taking herclasped hands between both his, said, in a tone of reverent adoration--
"Mirah, let me think that he is my father as well as yours--that we canhave no sorrow, no disgrace, no joy apart. I will rather take your griefto be mine than I would take the brightest joy of another woman. Say youwill not reject me--say you will take me to share all things with you. Sayyou will promise to be my wife--say it now. I have been in doubt so long--I have had to hide my love so long. Say that now and always I may prove toyou that I love you with complete love."
The change in Mirah had been gradual. She had not passed at once fromanguish to the full, blessed consciousness that, in this moment of griefand shame, Deronda was giving her the highest tribute man can give towoman. With the first tones and the first words, she had only a sense ofsolemn comfort, referring this goodness of Deronda's to his feeling forEzra. But by degrees the rapturous assurance of unhoped-for good tookpossession of her frame: her face glowed under Deronda's as he bent overher; yet she looked up still with intense gravity, as when she had firstacknowledged with religious gratitude that he had thought her "worthy ofthe best;" and when he had finished, she could say nothing--she could onlylift up her lips to his and just kiss them, as if that were the simplest"yes." They stood then, only looking at each other, he holding her handsbetween his--too happy to move, meeting so fully in their newconsciousness that all signs would have seemed to throw them fartherapart, till Mirah said in a whisper: "Let us go and comfort Ezra."