悉达多 英文版 Siddhartha
赫尔曼.黑塞 Hermann Hesse
FIRST PART Page 3
have indeed awakened and have not been born before thisvery day."have bothperceived the teachings. Govinda.
When the Buddha--night had already fallen--ended his speech, many apilgrim stepped forward and asked to accepted into the community, soughtrefuge in the teachings. And Gotama accepted them by speaking: "Youhave heard the teachings well, it has come to you well. Thus join usand walk in holiness, to put an end to all suffering."
Behold, then Govinda, the shy one, also stepped forward and spoke: "Ialso take my refuge in the exalted one and his teachings," and he askedto accepted into the community of his disciples and was accepted.
Right afterwards, when the Buddha had retired for the night, Govindaturned to Siddhartha and spoke eagerly: "Siddhartha, it is not my placeto scold you. We have both heard the exalted one, be have bothperceived the teachings. Govinda has heard the teachings, he has takenrefuge in it. But you, my honoured friend, don't you also want to walkthe path of salvation? Would you want to hesitate, do you want to waitany longer?"
Siddhartha awakened as if he had been asleep, when he heard Govinda'swords. For a long tome, he looked into Govinda's face. Then he spokequietly, in a voice without mockery: "Govinda, my friend, now you havetaken this step, now you have chosen this path. Always, oh Govinda,you've been my friend, you've always walked one step behind me. Often Ihave thought: Won't Govinda for once also take a step by himself,without me, out of his own soul? Behold, now you've turned into a manand are choosing your path for yourself. I wish that you would go it upto its end, oh my friend, that you shall find salvation!"
Govinda, not completely understanding it yet, repeated his question inan impatient tone: "Speak up, I beg you, my dear! Tell me, since itcould not be any other way, that you also, my learned friend, will takeyour refuge with the exalted Buddha!"
Siddhartha placed his hand on Govinda's shoulder: "You failed to hearmy good wish for you, oh Govinda. I'm repeating it: I wish that youwould go this path up to its end, that you shall find salvation!"
In this moment, Govinda realized that his friend had left him, and hestarted to weep.
"Siddhartha!" he exclaimed lamentingly.
Siddhartha kindly spoke to him: "Don't forget, Govinda, that you arenow one of the Samanas of the Buddha! You have renounced your homeand your parents, renounced your birth and possessions, renounced yourfree will, renounced all friendship. This is what the teachingsrequire, this is what the exalted one wants. This is what you wantedfor yourself. Tomorrow, oh Govinda, I'll leave you."
For a long time, the friends continued walking in the grove; for a longtime, they lay there and found no sleep. And over and over again,Govinda urged his friend, he should tell him why he would not want toseek refuge in Gotama's teachings, what fault he would find in theseteachings. But Siddhartha turned him away every time and said: "Becontent, Govinda! Very good are the teachings of the exalted one, howcould I find a fault in them?"
Very early in the morning, a follower of Buddha, one of his oldestmonks, went through the garden and called all those to him who had asnovices taken their refuge in the teachings, to dress them up in theyellow robe and to instruct them in the first teachings and duties oftheir position. Then Govinda broke loose, embraced once again hischildhood friend and left with the novices.
But Siddhartha walked through the grove, lost in thought.
Then he happened to meet Gotama, the exalted one, and when he greetedhim with respect and the Buddha's glance was so full of kindness andcalm, the young man summoned his courage and asked the venerable one forthe permission to talk to him. Silently the exalted one nodded hisapproval.
Quoth Siddhartha: "Yesterday, oh exalted one, I had been privileged tohear your wondrous teachings. Together with my friend, I had come fromafar, to hear your teachings. And now my friend is going to stay withyour people, he has taken his refuge with you. But I will again starton my pilgrimage."
"As you please," the venerable one spoke politely.
"Too bold is my speech," Siddhartha continued, "but I do not want toleave the exalted one without having honestly told him my thoughts.Does it please the venerable one to listen to me for one moment longer?"
Silently, the Buddha nodded his approval.
Quoth Siddhartha: "One thing, oh most venerable one, I have admired inyour teachings most of all. Everything in your teachings is perfectlyclear, is proven; you are presenting the world as a perfect chain, achain which is never and nowhere broken, an eternal chain the links ofwhich are causes and effects. Never before, this has been seen soclearly; never before, this has been presented so irrefutably; truly,the heart of every Brahman has to beat stronger with love, once he hasseen the world through your teachings perfectly connected, without gaps,clear as a crystal, not depending on chance, not depending on gods.Whether it may be good or bad, whether living according to it would besuffering or joy, I do not wish to discuss, possibly this is notessential--but the uniformity of the world, that everything whichhappens is connected, that the great and the small things are allencompassed by the same forces of time, by the same law of causes, ofcoming into being and of dying, this is what shines brightly out of yourexalted teachings, oh perfected one. But according to your very ownteachings, this unity and necessary sequence of all things isnevertheless broken in one place, through a small gap, this world ofunity is invaded by something alien, something new, something which hadnot been there before, and which cannot be demonstrated and cannot beproven: these are your teachings of overcoming the world, of salvation.But with this small gap, with this small breach, the entire eternal anduniform law of the world is breaking apart again and becomes void.Please forgive me for expressing this objection."
Quietly, Gotama had listened to him, unmoved. Now he spoke, theperfected one, with his kind, with his polite and clear voice: "You'veheard the teachings, oh son of a Brahman, and good for you that you'vethought about it thus deeply. You've found a gap in it, an error. Youshould think about this further. But be warned, oh seeker of knowledge,of the thicket of opinions and of arguing about words. There is nothingto opinions, they may be beautiful or ugly, smart or foolish, everyonecan support them or discard them. But the teachings, you've heard fromme, are no opinion, and their goal is not to explain the world to thosewho seek knowledge. They have a different goal; their goal is salvationfrom suffering. This is what Gotama teaches, nothing else."
"I wish that you, oh exalted one, would not be angry with me," said theyoung man. "I have not spoken to you like this to argue with you, toargue about words. You are truly right, there is little to opinions.But let me say this one more thing: I have not doubted in you for asingle moment. I have not doubted for a single moment that you areBuddha, that you have reached the goal, the highest goal towards whichso many thousands of Brahmans and sons of Brahmans are on their way.You have found salvation from death. It has come to you in the courseof your own search, on your own path, through thoughts, throughmeditation, through realizations, through enlightenment. It has notcome to you by means of teachings! And--thus is my thought, oh exaltedone,--nobody will obtain salvation by means of teachings! You will notbe able to convey and say to anybody, oh venerable one, in words andthrough teachings what has happened to you in the hour of enlightenment!The teachings of the enlightened Buddha contain much, it teaches many tolive righteously, to avoid evil. But there is one thing which these soclear, these so venerable teachings do not contain: they do not containthe mystery of what the exalted one has experienced for himself, healone among hundreds of thousands. This is what I have thought andrealized, when I have heard the teachings. This is why I am continuingmy travels--not to seek other, better teachings, for I know there arenone, but to depart from all teachings and all teachers and to reach mygoal by myself or to die. But often, I'll think of this day, oh exaltedone, and of this hour, when my eyes beheld a holy man."
The Buddha's eyes quietly looked to the ground; quietly, in perfectequanimity his inscrutable face was smiling.
"I wish," the venerable one spoke slowly, "that your thoughts shall notbe in error, that you shall reach the goal! But tell me: Have you seenthe multitude of my Samanas, my many brothers, who have taken refuge inthe teachings? And do you believe, oh stranger, oh Samana, do youbelieve that it would be better for them all the abandon the teachingsand to return into the life the world and of desires?"
shall reach the goal! But tell me: Have you seenthe multitude of my Samanas.
"Far is such a thought from my mind," exclaimed Siddhartha. "I wishthat they shall all stay with the teachings, that they shall reach theirgoal! It is not my place to judge another person's life. Only formyself, for myself alone, I must decide, I must chose, I must refuse.Salvation from the self is what we Samanas search for, oh exalted one.If I merely were one of your disciples, oh venerable one, I'd fear thatit might happen to me that only seemingly, only deceptively my selfwould be calm and be redeemed, but that in truth it would live on andgrow, for then I had replaced my self with the teachings, my duty tofollow you, my love for you, and the community of the monks!"
With half of a smile, with an unwavering openness and kindness,Gotama looked into the stranger's eyes and bid him to leave with ahardly noticeable gesture.
"You are wise, oh Samana.", the venerable one spoke.
"You know how to talk wisely, my friend. Be aware of too much wisdom!"
The Buddha turned away, and his glance and half of a smile remainedforever etched in Siddhartha's memory.
I have never before seen a person glance and smile, sit and walk thisway, he thought; truly, I wish to be able to glance and smile, sit andwalk this way, too, thus free, thus venerable, thus concealed, thusopen, thus child-like and mysterious. Truly, only a person who hassucceeded in reaching the innermost part of his self would glance andwalk this way. Well so, I also will seek to reach the innermost partof my self.
I saw a man, Siddhartha thought, a single man, before whom I would haveto lower my glance. I do not want to lower my glance before any other,not before any other. No teachings will entice me any more, since thisman's teachings have not enticed me.
I am deprived by the Buddha, thought Siddhartha, I am deprived, andeven more he has given to me. He has deprived me of my friend, the onewho had believed in me and now believes in him, who had been my shadowand is now Gotama's shadow. But he has given me Siddhartha, myself.
AWAKENING
When Siddhartha left the grove, where the Buddha, the perfected one,stayed behind, where Govinda stayed behind, then he felt that in thisgrove his past life also stayed behind and parted from him. He ponderedabout this sensation, which filled him completely, as he was slowlywalking along. He pondered deeply, like diving into a deep water helet himself sink down to the ground of the sensation, down to the placewhere the causes lie, because to identify the causes, so it seemed tohim, is the very essence of thinking, and by this alone sensations turninto realizations and are not lost, but become entities and start toemit like rays of light what is inside of them.
Slowly walking along, Siddhartha pondered. He realized that he was noyouth any more, but had turned into a man. He realized that one thinghad left him, as a snake is left by its old skin, that one thing nolonger existed in him, which had accompanied him throughout his youthand used to be a part of him: the wish to have teachers and to listen toteachings. He had also left the last teacher who had appeared on hispath, even him, the highest and wisest teacher, the most holy one,Buddha, he had left him, had to part with him, was not able to accepthis teachings.
the goal! But tell me: Have you seenthe multitude .
Slower, he walked along in his thoughts and asked himself: "But whatis this, what you have sought to learn from teachings and from teachers,and what they, who have taught you much, were still unable to teachyou?" And he found: "It was the self, the purpose and essence of whichI sought to learn. It was the self, I wanted to free myself from, whichI sought to overcome. But I was not able to overcome it, could onlydeceive it, could only flee from it, only hide from it. Truly, nothing in this world has kept my thoughts thus busy, as this my very ownself, this mystery of me being alive, of me being one and beingseparated and isolated from all others, of me being Siddhartha! Andthere is no thing in this world I know less about than about me, aboutSiddhartha!"
Having been pondering while slowly walking along, he now stopped asthese thoughts caught hold of him, and right away another thought sprangforth from these, a new thought, which was: "That I know nothing aboutmyself, that Siddhartha has remained thus alien and unknown to me, stemsfrom one cause, a single cause: I was afraid of myself, I was fleeingfrom myself! I searched Atman, I searched Brahman, I was willing toto dissect my self and peel off all of its layers, to find the core ofall peels in its unknown interior, the Atman, life, the divine part, theultimate part. But I have lost myself in the process."
Siddhartha opened his eyes and looked around, a smile filled his faceand a feeling of awakening from long dreams flowed through him from hishead down to his toes. And it was not long before he walked again,walked quickly like a man who knows what he has got to do.
"Oh," he thought, taking a deep breath, "now I would not let Siddharthaescape from me again! No longer, I want to begin my thoughts and mylife with Atman and with the suffering of the world. I do not want tokill and dissect myself any longer, to find a secret behind the ruins.Neither Yoga-Veda shall teach me any more, nor Atharva-Veda, nor theascetics, nor any kind of teachings. I want to learn from myself, wantto be my student, want to get to know myself, the secret of Siddhartha."
He looked around, as if he was seeing the world for the first time.Beautiful was the world, colourful was the world, strange and mysteriouswas the world! Here was blue, here was yellow, here was green, the skyand the river flowed, the forest and the mountains were rigid, all of itwas beautiful, all of it was mysterious and magical, and in its midst washe, Siddhartha, the awakening one, on the path to himself. All of this,all this yellow and blue, river and forest, entered Siddhartha for thefirst time through the eyes, was no longer a spell of Mara, was nolonger the veil of Maya, was no longer a pointless and coincidentaldiversity of mere appearances, despicable to the deeply thinking Brahman,who scorns diversity, who seeks unity. Blue was blue, river was river,and if also in the blue and the river, in Siddhartha, the singular anddivine lived hidden, so it was still that very divinity's way andpurpose, to be here yellow, here blue, there sky, there forest, and hereSiddhartha. The purpose and the essential properties were not somewherebehind the things, they were in them, in everything.
"How deaf and stupid have I been!" he thought, walking swiftly along."When someone reads a text, wants to discover its meaning, he will notscorn the symbols and letters and call them deceptions, coincidence,and worthless hull, but he will read them, he will study and love them,letter by letter. But I, who wanted to read the book of the world andthe book of my own being, I have, for the sake of a meaning I hadanticipated before I read, scorned the symbols and letters, I called thevisible world a deception, called my eyes and my tongue coincidentaland worthless forms without substance. No, this is over, I haveawakened, I have indeed awakened and have not been born before thisvery day."
In thinking this thoughts, Siddhartha stopped once again, suddenly, asif there was a snake lying in front of him on the path.
Because suddenly, he had also become aware of this: He, who was indeedlike someone who had just woken up or like a new-born baby, he had tostart his life anew and start again at the very beginning. When he hadleft in this very morning from the grove Jetavana, the grove of thatexalted one, already awakening, already on the path towards himself, hehe had every intention, regarded as natural and took for granted, thathe, after years as an ascetic, would return to his home and his father.But now, only in this moment, when he stopped as if a snake was lying onhis path, he also awoke to this realization: "But I am no longer theone I was, I am no ascetic any more, I am not a priest any more, I am noBrahman any more. Whatever should I do at home and at my father'splace? Study? Make offerings? Practise meditation? But all this isover, all of this is no longer alongside my path."
Motionless, Siddhartha remained standing there, and for the time ofone moment and breath, his heart felt cold, he felt a cold in his chest,as a small animal, a bird or a rabbit, would when seeing how alone hewas. For many years, he had been without home and had felt nothing.Now, he felt it. Still, even in the deepest meditation, he had beenhis father's son, had been a Brahman, of a high caste, a cleric. Now,he was nothing but Siddhartha, the awoken one, nothing else was left.Deeply, he inhaled, and for a moment, he felt cold and shivered.Nobody was thus alone as he was. There was no nobleman who did notbelong to the noblemen, no worker that did not belong to the workers,and found refuge with them, shared their life, spoke their language.No Brahman, who would not be regarded as Brahmans and lived with them,no ascetic who would not find his refuge in the caste of the Samanas,and even the most forlorn hermit in the forest was not just one andalone, he was also surrounded by a place he belonged to, he alsobelonged to a caste, in which he was at home. Govinda had become amonk, and a thousand monks were his brothers, wore the same robe as he,believed in his faith, spoke his language. But he, Siddhartha, wheredid he belong to? With whom would he share his life? Whose languagewould he speak?
Out of this moment, when the world melted away all around him, when hestood alone like a star in the sky, out of this moment of a cold anddespair, Siddhartha emerged, more a self than before, more firmlyconcentrated. He felt: This had been the last tremor of the awakening,the last struggle of this birth. And it was not long until he walkedagain in long strides, started to proceed swiftly and impatiently,heading no longer for home, no longer to his father, no longer back.