简.爱 英文版 Jane Eyre
夏洛蒂.勃朗特 Charlotte Bronte
CHAPTER XXXVII Page 2
"If you twist in that way you will make me pull the hair out ofyour head; and then I think you will cease to entertain doubts ofmy substantiality. "
"Who have you been with, Jane?"
"You shall not get it out of me to-night, sir; you must wait tillto-morrow; to leave my tale half told, will, you know, be a sortof security that I shall appear at your breakfast table to finishit. By the bye, I must mind not to rise on your hearth with onlya glass of water then: I must bring an egg at the least, to saynothing of fried ham. "
"You mocking changeling -- fairy-born and human-bred! You make mefeel as I have not felt these twelve months. If Saul could havehad you for his David, the evil spirit would have been exorcisedwithout the aid of the harp. "
"There, sir, you are redd up and made decent. Now I'll leave you:I have been travelling these last three days, and I believe I amtired. Good night. "
"Just one word, Jane: were there only ladies in the house whereyou have been?"
I laughed and made my escape, still laughing as I ran upstairs."A good idea!" I thought with glee. "I see I have the means offretting him out of his melancholy for some time to come. "
Very early the next morning I heard him up and astir, wanderingfrom one room to another. As soon as Mary came down I heard thequestion: "Is Miss Eyre here?" Then: "Which room did you put herinto? Was it dry? Is she up? Go and ask if she wants anything;and when she will come down. "
I came down as soon as I thought there was a prospect of breakfast.Entering the room very softly, I had a view of him before hediscovered my presence. It was mournful, indeed, to witness thesubjugation of that vigorous spirit to a corporeal infirmity. Hesat in his chair -- still, but not at rest: expectant evidently;the lines of now habitual sadness marking his strong features. Hiscountenance reminded one of a lamp quenched, waiting to be re-lit-- and alas! it was not himself that could now kindle the lustreof animated expression: he was dependent on another for thatoffice! I had meant to be gay and careless, but the powerlessnessof the strong man touched my heart to the quick: still I accostedhim with what vivacity I could.
"It is a bright, sunny morning, sir, " I said. "The rain is overand gone, and there is a tender shining after it: you shall havea walk soon. "
I had wakened the glow: his features beamed.
"Oh, you are indeed there, my skylark! Come to me. You are notgone: not vanished? I heard one of your kind an hour ago, singinghigh over the wood: but its song had no music for me, any more thanthe rising sun had rays. All the melody on earth is concentratedin my Jane's tongue to my ear (I am glad it is not naturally asilent one): all the sunshine I can feel is in her presence. "
The water stood in my eyes to hear this avowal of his dependence;just as if a royal eagle, chained to a perch, should be forcedto entreat a sparrow to become its purveyor. But I would not belachrymose: I dashed off the salt drops, and busied myself withpreparing breakfast.
Most of the morning was spent in the open air. I led him out ofthe wet and wild wood into some cheerful fields: I described tohim how brilliantly green they were; how the flowers and hedgeslooked refreshed; how sparklingly blue was the sky. I sought aseat for him in a hidden and lovely spot, a dry stump of a tree;nor did I refuse to let him, when seated, place me on his knee. Whyshould I, when both he and I were happier near than apart? Pilotlay beside us: all was quiet. He broke out suddenly whileclasping me in his arms -
"Cruel, cruel deserter! Oh, Jane, what did I feel when I discoveredyou had fled from Thornfield, and when I could nowhere find you;and, after examining your apartment, ascertained that you had takenno money, nor anything which could serve as an equivalent! A pearlnecklace I had given you lay untouched in its little casket; yourtrunks were left corded and locked as they had been prepared forthe bridal tour. What could my darling do, I asked, left destituteand penniless? And what did she do? Let me hear now. "
Thus urged, I began the narrative of my experience for the lastyear. I softened considerably what related to the three days ofwandering and starvation, because to have told him all would havebeen to inflict unnecessary pain: the little I did say laceratedhis faithful heart deeper than I wished.
I should not have left him thus, he said, without any means ofmaking my way: I should have told him my intention. I should haveconfided in him: he would never have forced me to be his mistress.Violent as he had seemed in his despair, he, in truth, loved mefar too well and too tenderly to constitute himself my tyrant: hewould have given me half his fortune, without demanding so much asa kiss in return, rather than I should have flung myself friendlesson the wide world. I had endured, he was certain, more than I hadconfessed to him.
"Well, whatever my sufferings had been, they were very short, " Ianswered: and then I proceeded to tell him how I had been receivedat Moor House; how I had obtained the office of schoolmistress, &c.The accession of fortune, the discovery of my relations, followedin due order. Of course, St. John Rivers' name came in frequentlyin the progress of my tale. When I had done, that name wasimmediately taken up.
"This St. John, then, is your cousin?"
"Yes. "
"You have spoken of him often: do you like him?"
"He was a very good man, sir; I could not help liking him. "
"A good man. Does that mean a respectable well-conducted man offifty? Or what does it mean?"
"St John was only twenty-nine, sir. "
"'Jeune encore, ' as the French say. Is he a person of low stature,phlegmatic, and plain. A person whose goodness consists rather inhis guiltlessness of vice, than in his prowess in virtue. "
"He is untiringly active. Great and exalted deeds are what helives to perform. "
"But his brain? That is probably rather soft? He means well: butyou shrug your shoulders to hear him talk?"
"He talks little, sir: what he does say is ever to the point. Hisbrain is first-rate, I should think not impressible, but vigorous. "
"Is he an able man, then?"
"Truly able. "
"A thoroughly educated man?"
"St. John is an accomplished and profound scholar. "
werehis cousin?"marryhim?"invention to.
"His manners, I think, you said are not to your taste? -- priggishand parsonic?"
"I never mentioned his manners; but, unless I had a very bad taste,they must suit it; they are polished, calm, and gentlemanlike. "
"His appearance, -- I forget what description you gave of hisappearance; -- a sort of raw curate, half strangled with his whiteneckcloth, and stilted up on his thick-soled high-lows, eh?"
"St. John dresses well. He is a handsome man: tall, fair, withblue eyes, and a Grecian profile. "
(Aside. ) "Damn him!" -- (To me. ) "Did you like him, Jane?"
"Yes, Mr. Rochester, I liked him: but you asked me that before. "
I perceived, of course, the drift of my interlocutor. Jealousyhad got hold of him: she stung him; but the sting was salutary:it gave him respite from the gnawing fang of melancholy. I wouldnot, therefore, immediately charm the snake.
"Perhaps you would rather not sit any longer on my knee, Miss Eyre?"was the next somewhat unexpected observation.
"Why not, Mr. Rochester?"
"The picture you have just drawn is suggestive of a rather toooverwhelming contrast. Your words have delineated very prettilya graceful Apollo: he is present to your imagination, -- tall,fair, blue-eyed, and with a Grecian profile. Your eyes dwell on aVulcan, -- a real blacksmith, brown, broad-shouldered: and blindand lame into the bargain. "
"I never thought of it, before; but you certainly are rather likeVulcan, sir. "
"Well, you can leave me, ma'am: but before you go" (and he retainedme by a firmer grasp than ever), "you will be pleased just to answerme a question or two. " He paused.
"What questions, Mr. Rochester?"
Then followed this cross-examination.
"St. John made you schoolmistress of Morton before he knew you werehis cousin?"
"Yes. "
sisters also?"his.
"You would often see him? He would visit the school sometimes?"
"Daily. "
"He would approve of your plans, Jane? I know they would be clever,for you are a talented creature!"
"He approved of them -- yes. "
"He would discover many things in you he could not have expectedto find? Some of your accomplishments are not ordinary. "
"I don't know about that. "
"You had a little cottage near the school, you say: did he evercome there to see you?"
"Now and then?"
"Of an evening?"
"Once or twice. "
A pause.
with onlya glass of .
"How long did you reside with him and his sisters after the cousinshipwas discovered?"
"Five months. "
"Did Rivers spend much time with the ladies of his family?"
"Yes; the back parlour was both his study and ours: he sat nearthe window, and we by the table. "
you:I have been travelling?
"Did he study much?"
"A good deal. "
"What?"
"Hindostanee. "
"And what did you do meantime?"
"I learnt German, at first. "
"Did he teach you?"
"He did not understand German. "
"Did he teach you nothing?"
"A little Hindostanee. "
"Rivers taught you Hindostanee?"
"Yes, sir. "
"And his sisters also?"
"No. "
"Only you?"
"Only me. "
"Did you ask to learn?"
"No. "
"He wished to teach you?"
"Yes. "
Your own way -- with the .
A second pause.
"Why did he wish it? Of what use could Hindostanee be to you?"
"He intended me to go with him to India. "
"Ah! here I reach the root of the matter. He wanted you to marryhim?"
"He asked me to marry him. "
him. "Who is that?"Because you delight.
"That is a fiction -- an impudent invention to vex me. "
"I beg your pardon, it is the literal truth: he asked me more thanonce, and was as stiff about urging his point as ever you couldbe. "
"Miss Eyre, I repeat it, you can leave me. How often am I to saythe same thing? Why do you remain pertinaciously perched on myknee, when I have given you notice to quit?"
"Because I am comfortable there. "
"No, Jane, you are not comfortable there, because your heart is notwith me: it is with this cousin -- this St. John. Oh, till thismoment, I thought my little Jane was all mine! I had a belief sheloved me even when she left me: that was an atom of sweet in muchbitter. Long as we have been parted, hot tears as I have wept overour separation, I never thought that while I was mourning her, shewas loving another! But it is useless grieving. Jane, leave me:go and marry Rivers. "
"Shake me off, then, sir, -- push me away, for I'll not leave youof my own accord. "
"Jane, I ever like your tone of voice: it still renews hope, itsounds so truthful. When I hear it, it carries me back a year. Iforget that you have formed a new tie. But I am not a fool -- go -- "
"Where must I go, sir?"
"Your own way -- with the husband you have chosen. "
"Who is that?"
"You know -- this St. John Rivers. "
"He is not my husband, nor ever will be. He does not love me: Ido not love him. He loves (as he CAN love, and that is not as youlove) a beautiful young lady called Rosamond. He wanted to marryme only because he thought I should make a suitable missionary'swife, which she would not have done. He is good and great, butsevere; and, for me, cold as an iceberg. He is not like you, sir:I am not happy at his side, nor near him, nor with him. He has noindulgence for me -- no fondness. He sees nothing attractive inme; not even youth -- only a few useful mental points. -- Then Imust leave you, sir, to go to him?"
I shuddered involuntarily, and clung instinctively closer to myblind but beloved master. He smiled.
"What, Jane! Is this true? Is such really the state of mattersbetween you and Rivers?"
"Absolutely, sir! Oh, you need not be jealous! I wanted to teaseyou a little to make you less sad: I thought anger would be betterthan grief. But if you wish me to love you, could you but see howmuch I DO love you, you would be proud and content. All my heartis yours, sir: it belongs to you; and with you it would remain,were fate to exile the rest of me from your presence for ever. "
Again, as he kissed me, painful thoughts darkened his aspect. "Myscarred vision! My crippled strength!" he murmured regretfully.
I caressed, in order to soothe him. I knew of what he was thinking,and wanted to speak for him, but dared not. As he turned asidehis face a minute, I saw a tear slide from under the sealed eyelid,and trickle down the manly cheek. My heart swelled.
"I am no better than the old lightning-struck chestnut-tree inThornfield orchard, " he remarked ere long. "And what right wouldthat ruin have to bid a budding woodbine cover its decay withfreshness?"
"You are no ruin, sir -- no lightning-struck tree: you are greenand vigorous. Plants will grow about your roots, whether you askthem or not, because they take delight in your bountiful shadow;and as they grow they will lean towards you, and wind round you,because your strength offers them so safe a prop. "
Again he smiled: I gave him comfort.
"You speak of friends, Jane?" he asked.
"Yes, of friends, " I answered rather hesitatingly: for I knewI meant more than friends, but could not tell what other word toemploy. He helped me.
"Ah! Jane. But I want a wife. "
"Do you, sir?"
"Yes: is it news to you?"
"Of course: you said nothing about it before. "
"Is it unwelcome news?"
"That depends on circumstances, sir -- on your choice. "
"Which you shall make for me, Jane. I will abide by your decision. "
"Choose then, sir -- HER WHO LOVES YOU BEST. "
"I will at least choose -- HER I LOVE BEST. Jane, will you marryme?"
"Yes, sir. "
"A poor blind man, whom you will have to lead about by the hand?"
"Yes, sir. "
"A crippled man, twenty years older than you, whom you will haveto wait on?"
"Yes, sir. "
"Truly, Jane?"
"Most truly, sir. "
"Oh! my darling! God bless you and reward you!"
"Mr. Rochester, if ever I did a good deed in my life -- if ever Ithought a good thought -- if ever I prayed a sincere and blamelessprayer -- if ever I wished a righteous wish, -- I am rewarded now.To be your wife is, for me, to be as happy as I can be on earth. "
"Because you delight in sacrifice. "
"Sacrifice! What do I sacrifice? Famine for food, expectationfor content. To be privileged to put my arms round what I value-- to press my lips to what I love -- to repose on what I trust:is that to make a sacrifice? If so, then certainly I delight insacrifice. "
"And to bear with my infirmities, Jane: to overlook my deficiencies. "
"Which are none, sir, to me. I love you better now, when I can reallybe useful to you, than I did in your state of proud independence,when you disdained every part but that of the giver and protector. "
"Hitherto I have hated to be helped -- to be led: henceforth, Ifeel I shall hate it no more. I did not like to put my hand intoa hireling's, but it is pleasant to feel it circled by Jane's littlefingers. I preferred utter loneliness to the constant attendanceof servants; but Jane's soft ministry will be a perpetual joy.Jane suits me: do I suit her?"
"To the finest fibre of my nature, sir. "
"The case being so, we have nothing in the world to wait for: wemust be married instantly. "
He looked and spoke with eagerness: his old impetuosity was rising.
"We must become one flesh without any delay, Jane: there is butthe licence to get -- then we marry. "
"Mr. Rochester, I have just discovered the sun is far declined fromits meridian, and Pilot is actually gone home to his dinner. Letme look at your watch. "
"Fasten it into your girdle, Janet, and keep it henceforward: Ihave no use for it. "
"It is nearly four o'clock in the afternoon, sir. Don't you feelhungry?"
"The third day from this must be our wedding-day, Jane. Never mindfine clothes and jewels, now: all that is not worth a fillip. "
"The sun has dried up all the rain-drops, sir. The breeze is still:it is quite hot. "
"Do you know, Jane, I have your little pearl necklace at this momentfastened round my bronze scrag under my cravat? I have worn itsince the day I lost my only treasure, as a memento of her. "
"We will go home through the wood: that will be the shadiest way. "
asidehis face a minute?
He pursued his own thoughts without heeding me.
"Jane! you think me, I daresay, an irreligious dog: but my heartswells with gratitude to the beneficent God of this earth justnow. He sees not as man sees, but far clearer: judges not as manjudges, but far more wisely. I did wrong: I would have sulliedmy innocent flower -- breathed guilt on its purity: the Omnipotentsnatched it from me. I, in my stiff-necked rebellion, almost cursedthe dispensation: instead of bending to the decree, I defied it.Divine justice pursued its course; disasters came thick on me: Iwas forced to pass through the valley of the shadow of death. HISchastisements are mighty; and one smote me which has humbled me forever. You know I was proud of my strength: but what is it now,when I must give it over to foreign guidance, as a child does itsweakness? Of late, Jane -- only -- only of late -- I began to seeand acknowledge the hand of God in my doom. I began to experienceremorse, repentance; the wish for reconcilement to my Maker. Ibegan sometimes to pray: very brief prayers they were, but verysincere.
"Some days since: nay, I can number them -- four; it was last Mondaynight, a singular mood came over me: one in which grief replacedfrenzy -- sorrow, sullenness. I had long had the impression thatsince I could nowhere find you, you must be dead. Late that night-- perhaps it might be between eleven and twelve o'clock -- ere Iretired to my dreary rest, I supplicated God, that, if it seemedgood to Him, I might soon be taken from this life, and admitted tothat world to come, where there was still hope of rejoining Jane.
"I was in my own room, and sitting by the window, which was open:it soothed me to feel the balmy night-air; though I could see nostars and only by a vague, luminous haze, knew the presence of amoon. I longed for thee, Janet! Oh, I longed for thee both withsoul and flesh! I asked of God, at once in anguish and humility,if I had not been long enough desolate, afflicted, tormented; andmight not soon taste bliss and peace once more. That I merited allI endured, I acknowledged -- that I could scarcely endure more,I pleaded; and the alpha and omega of my heart's wishes brokeinvoluntarily from my lips in the words -- 'Jane! Jane! Jane!'"
"Did you speak these words aloud?"
"I did, Jane. If any listener had heard me, he would have thoughtme mad: I pronounced them with such frantic energy. "
"And it was last Monday night, somewhere near midnight?"
"Yes; but the time is of no consequence: what followed is thestrange point. You will think me superstitious, -- some superstitionI have in my blood, and always had: nevertheless, this is true --true at least it is that I heard what I now relate.
"As I exclaimed 'Jane! Jane! Jane!' a voice -- I cannot tellwhence the voice came, but I know whose voice it was -- replied,'I am coming: wait for me;' and a moment after, went whisperingon the wind the words -- 'Where are you?'
"I'll tell you, if I can, the idea, the picture these words openedto my mind: yet it is difficult to express what I want to express.Ferndean is buried, as you see, in a heavy wood, where sound fallsdull, and dies unreverberating. 'Where are you?' seemed spokenamongst mountains; for I heard a hill-sent echo repeat the words.Cooler and fresher at the moment the gale seemed to visit my brow:I could have deemed that in some wild, lone scene, I and Jane weremeeting. In spirit, I believe we must have met. You no doubtwere, at that hour, in unconscious sleep, Jane: perhaps your soulwandered from its cell to comfort mine; for those were your accents-- as certain as I live -- they were yours!"
Reader, it was on Monday night -- near midnight -- that I too hadreceived the mysterious summons: those were the very words bywhich I replied to it. I listened to Mr. Rochester's narrative,but made no disclosure in return. The coincidence struck me as tooawful and inexplicable to be communicated or discussed. If I toldanything, my tale would be such as must necessarily make a profoundimpression on the mind of my hearer: and that mind, yet from itssufferings too prone to gloom, needed not the deeper shade of thesupernatural. I kept these things then, and pondered them in myheart.
"You cannot now wonder, " continued my master, "that when you roseupon me so unexpectedly last night, I had difficulty in believingyou any other than a mere voice and vision, something that would meltto silence and annihilation, as the midnight whisper and mountainecho had melted before. Now, I thank God! I know it to be otherwise.Yes, I thank God!"
He put me off his knee, rose, and reverently lifting his hat fromhis brow, and bending his sightless eyes to the earth, he stood inmute devotion. Only the last words of the worship were audible.
"I thank my Maker, that, in the midst of judgment, he has rememberedmercy. I humbly entreat my Redeemer to give me strength to leadhenceforth a purer life than I have done hitherto!"
Then he stretched his hand out to be led. I took that dear hand,held it a moment to my lips, then let it pass round my shoulder:being so much lower of stature than he, I served both for his propand guide. We entered the wood, and wended homeward.