简.爱 英文版 Jane Eyre
夏洛蒂.勃朗特 Charlotte Bronte
CHAPTER XXXIV Page 3
I looked towards the knoll: there he lay, still as a prostratecolumn; his face turned to me: his eye beaming watchful and keen.He started to his feet and approached me.
"I am ready to go to India, if I may go free. "
"Your answer requires a commentary, " he said; "it is not clear. "
"You have hitherto been my adopted brother -- I, your adoptedsister: let us continue as such: you and I had better not marry. "
He shook his head. "Adopted fraternity will not do in this case.If you were my real sister it would be different: I should takeyou, and seek no wife. But as it is, either our union must beconsecrated and sealed by marriage, or it cannot exist: practicalobstacles oppose themselves to any other plan. Do you not see it,Jane? Consider a moment -- your strong sense will guide you. "
I did consider; and still my sense, such as it was, directed meonly to the fact that we did not love each other as man and wifeshould: and therefore it inferred we ought not to marry. I saidso. "St. John, " I returned, "I regard you as a brother -- you, meas a sister: so let us continue. "
"We cannot -- we cannot, " he answered, with short, sharpdetermination: "it would not do. You have said you will go withme to India: remember -- you have said that. "
"Conditionally. "
"Well -- well. To the main point -- the departure with me fromEngland, the co-operation with me in my future labours -- you do notobject. You have already as good as put your hand to the plough:you are too consistent to withdraw it. You have but one end tokeep in view -- how the work you have undertaken can best be done.Simplify your complicated interests, feelings, thoughts, wishes,aims; merge all considerations in one purpose: that of fulfillingwith effect -- with power -- the mission of your great Master. Todo so, you must have a coadjutor: not a brother -- that is a loosetie -- but a husband. I, too, do not want a sister: a sistermight any day be taken from me. I want a wife: the sole helpmeetI can influence efficiently in life, and retain absolutely tilldeath. "
I shuddered as he spoke: I felt his influence in my marrow -- hishold on my limbs.
"Seek one elsewhere than in me, St. John: seek one fitted to you. "
"One fitted to my purpose, you mean -- fitted to my vocation. AgainI tell you it is not the insignificant private individual -- themere man, with the man's selfish senses -- I wish to mate: it isthe missionary. "
"And I will give the missionary my energies -- it is all he wants-- but not myself: that would be only adding the husk and shellto the kernel. For them he has no use: I retain them. "
"You cannot -- you ought not. Do you think God will be satisfiedwith half an oblation? Will He accept a mutilated sacrifice? Itis the cause of God I advocate: it is under His standard I enlistyou. I cannot accept on His behalf a divided allegiance: it mustbe entire. "
"Oh! I will give my heart to God, " I said. "YOU do not want it. "
I will not swear, reader, that there was not something of repressedsarcasm both in the tone in which I uttered this sentence, and inthe feeling that accompanied it. I had silently feared St. Johntill now, because I had not understood him. He had held me inawe, because he had held me in doubt. How much of him was saint,how much mortal, I could not heretofore tell: but revelationswere being made in this conference: the analysis of his nature wasproceeding before my eyes. I saw his fallibilities: I comprehendedthem. I understood that, sitting there where I did, on the bankof heath, and with that handsome form before me, I sat at the feetof a man, caring as I. The veil fell from his hardness and despotism.Having felt in him the presence of these qualities, I felt hisimperfection and took courage. I was with an equal -- one withwhom I might argue -- one whom, if I saw good, I might resist.
He was silent after I had uttered the last sentence, and I presentlyrisked an upward glance at his countenance.
His eye, bent on me, expressed at once stern surprise and keeninquiry. "Is she sarcastic, and sarcastic to ME!" it seemed tosay. "What does this signify?"
"Do not let us forget that this is a solemn matter, " he said erelong; "one of which we may neither think nor talk lightly withoutsin. I trust, Jane, you are in earnest when you say you will serveyour heart to God: it is all I want. Once wrench your heart fromman, and fix it on your Maker, the advancement of that Maker'sspiritual kingdom on earth will be your chief delight and endeavour;you will be ready to do at once whatever furthers that end. Youwill see what impetus would be given to your efforts and mine byour physical and mental union in marriage: the only union thatgives a character of permanent conformity to the destinies anddesigns of human beings; and, passing over all minor caprices --all trivial difficulties and delicacies of feeling -- all scrupleabout the degree, kind, strength or tenderness of mere personalinclination -- you will hasten to enter into that union at once. "
"Shall I?" I said briefly; and I looked at his features, beautifulin their harmony, but strangely formidable in their still severity;at his brow, commanding but not open; at his eyes, bright and deepand searching, but never soft; at his tall imposing figure; andfancied myself in idea HIS WIFE. Oh! it would never do! As hiscurate, his comrade, all would be right: I would cross oceans withhim in that capacity; toil under Eastern suns, in Asian deserts withhim in that office; admire and emulate his courage and devotion andvigour; accommodate quietly to his masterhood; smile undisturbedat his ineradicable ambition; discriminate the Christian from theman: profoundly esteem the one, and freely forgive the other. Ishould suffer often, no doubt, attached to him only in this capacity:my body would be under rather a stringent yoke, but my heart andmind would be free. I should still have my unblighted self to turnto: my natural unenslaved feelings with which to communicate inmoments of loneliness. There would be recesses in my mind whichwould be only mine, to which he never came, and sentiments growingthere fresh and sheltered which his austerity could never blight,nor his measured warrior-march trample down: but as his wife --at his side always, and always restrained, and always checked --forced to keep the fire of my nature continually low, to compelit to burn inwardly and never utter a cry, though the imprisonedflame consumed vital after vital -- THIS would be unendurable.
"St. John!" I exclaimed, when I had got so far in my meditation.
"Well?" he answered icily.
"I repeat I freely consent to go with you as your fellow-missionary,but not as your wife; I cannot marry you and become part of you. "
"A part of me you must become, " he answered steadily; "otherwisethe whole bargain is void. How can I, a man not yet thirty, takeout with me to India a girl of nineteen, unless she be married tome? How can we be for ever together -- sometimes in solitudes,sometimes amidst savage tribes -- and unwed?"
"Very well, " I said shortly; "under the circumstances, quite aswell as if I were either your real sister, or a man and a clergymanlike yourself. "
"It is known that you are not my sister; I cannot introduce you assuch: to attempt it would be to fasten injurious suspicions on usboth. And for the rest, though you have a man's vigorous brain,you have a woman's heart and -- it would not do. "
"It would do, " I affirmed with some disdain, "perfectly well. Ihave a woman's heart, but not where you are concerned; for youI have only a comrade's constancy; a fellow-soldier's frankness,fidelity, fraternity, if you like; a neophyte's respect and submissionto his hierophant: nothing more -- don't fear. "
"It is what I want, " he said, speaking to himself; "it is just whatI want. And there are obstacles in the way: they must be hewndown. Jane, you would not repent marrying me -- be certain ofthat; we MUST be married. I repeat it: there is no other way;and undoubtedly enough of love would follow upon marriage to renderthe union right even in your eyes. "
"I scorn your idea of love, " I could not help saying, as I rose upand stood before him, leaning my back against the rock. "I scornthe counterfeit sentiment you offer: yes, St. John, and I scornyou when you offer it. "
He looked at me fixedly, compressing his well-cut lips while hedid so. Whether he was incensed or surprised, or what, it was noteasy to tell: he could command his countenance thoroughly.
"I scarcely expected to hear that expression from you, " he said:"I think I have done and uttered nothing to deserve scorn. "
I was touched by his gentle tone, and overawed by his high, calmmien.
"Forgive me the words, St. John; but it is your own fault thatI have been roused to speak so unguardedly. You have introduceda topic on which our natures are at variance -- a topic we shouldnever discuss: the very name of love is an apple of discord betweenus. If the reality were required, what should we do? How shouldwe feel? My dear cousin, abandon your scheme of marriage -- forgetit. "
"No, " said he; "it is a long-cherished scheme, and the only onewhich can secure my great end: but I shall urge you no furtherat present. To-morrow, I leave home for Cambridge: I have manyfriends there to whom I should wish to say farewell. I shall beabsent a fortnight -- take that space of time to consider my offer:and do not forget that if you reject it, it is not me you deny,but God. Through my means, He opens to you a noble career; as mywife only can you enter upon it. Refuse to be my wife, and you limityourself for ever to a track of selfish ease and barren obscurity.Tremble lest in that case you should be numbered with those whohave denied the faith, and are worse than infidels!"
He had done. Turning from me, he once more
"Looked to river, looked to hill. "
But this time his feelings were all pent in his heart: I was notworthy to hear them uttered. As I walked by his side homeward,I read well in his iron silence all he felt towards me: thedisappointment of an austere and despotic nature, which has metresistance where it expected submission -- the disapprobation of acool, inflexible judgment, which has detected in another feelingsand views in which it has no power to sympathise: in short, as aman, he would have wished to coerce me into obedience: it was onlyas a sincere Christian he bore so patiently with my perversity,and allowed so long a space for reflection and repentance.
That night, after he had kissed his sisters, he thought proper toforget even to shake hands with me, but left the room in silence.I -- who, though I had no love, had much friendship for him -- washurt by the marked omission: so much hurt that tears started tomy eyes.
"I see you and St. John have been quarrelling, Jane, " said Diana,"during your walk on the moor. But go after him; he is now lingeringin the passage expecting you -- he will make it up. "
I have not much pride under such circumstances: I would alwaysrather be happy than dignified; and I ran after him -- he stood atthe foot of the stairs.
"Good-night, St. John, " said I.
"Good-night, Jane, " he replied calmly.
"Then shake hands, " I added.
What a cold, loose touch, he impressed on my fingers! He wasdeeply displeased by what had occurred that day; cordiality wouldnot warm, nor tears move him. No happy reconciliation was tobe had with him -- no cheering smile or generous word: but stillthe Christian was patient and placid; and when I asked him if heforgave me, he answered that he was not in the habit of cherishingthe remembrance of vexation; that he had nothing to forgive, nothaving been offended.
And with that answer he left me. I would much rather he had knockedme down.