简.爱 英文版 Jane Eyre
夏洛蒂.勃朗特 Charlotte Bronte
CHAPTER XXVII Page 1
Some time in the afternoon I raised my head, and looking roundand seeing the western sun gilding the sign of its decline on thewall, I asked, "What am I to do?"
But the answer my mind gave -- "Leave Thornfield at once" -- wasso prompt, so dread, that I stopped my ears. I said I could notbear such words now. "That I am not Edward Rochester's bride isthe least part of my woe, " I alleged: "that I have wakened out ofmost glorious dreams, and found them all void and vain, is a horrorI could bear and master; but that I must leave him decidedly,instantly, entirely, is intolerable. I cannot do it. "
But, then, a voice within me averred that I could do it and foretoldthat I should do it. I wrestled with my own resolution: I wantedto be weak that I might avoid the awful passage of further sufferingI saw laid out for me; and Conscience, turned tyrant, held Passionby the throat, told her tauntingly, she had yet but dipped herdainty foot in the slough, and swore that with that arm of iron hewould thrust her down to unsounded depths of agony.
"Let me be torn away, " then I cried. "Let another help me!"
"No; you shall tear yourself away, none shall help you: you shallyourself pluck out your right eye; yourself cut off your right hand:your heart shall be the victim, and you the priest to transfix it. "
I rose up suddenly, terror-struck at the solitude which so ruthlessa judge haunted, -- at the silence which so awful a voice filled.My head swam as I stood erect. I perceived that I was sickeningfrom excitement and inanition; neither meat nor drink had passed mylips that day, for I had taken no breakfast. And, with a strangepang, I now reflected that, long as I had been shut up here, nomessage had been sent to ask how I was, or to invite me to comedown: not even little Adele had tapped at the door; not even Mrs.Fairfax had sought me. "Friends always forget those whom fortuneforsakes, " I murmured, as I undrew the bolt and passed out. Istumbled over an obstacle: my head was still dizzy, my sight wasdim, and my limbs were feeble. I could not soon recover myself.I fell, but not on to the ground: an outstretched arm caught me.I looked up -- I was supported by Mr. Rochester, who sat in a chairacross my chamber threshold.
"You come out at last, " he said. "Well, I have been waiting foryou long, and listening: yet not one movement have I heard, norone sob: five minutes more of that death-like hush, and I shouldhave forced the lock like a burglar. So you shun me? -- you shutyourself up and grieve alone! I would rather you had come andupbraided me with vehemence. You are passionate. I expected ascene of some kind. I was prepared for the hot rain of tears; onlyI wanted them to be shed on my breast: now a senseless floor hasreceived them, or your drenched handkerchief. But I err: you havenot wept at all! I see a white cheek and a faded eye, but no traceof tears. I suppose, then, your heart has been weeping blood?"
"Well, Jane! not a word of reproach? Nothing bitter -- nothingpoignant? Nothing to cut a feeling or sting a passion? You sitquietly where I have placed you, and regard me with a weary, passivelook. "
"Jane, I never meant to wound you thus. If the man who had butone little ewe lamb that was dear to him as a daughter, that ate ofhis bread and drank of his cup, and lay in his bosom, had by somemistake slaughtered it at the shambles, he would not have rued hisbloody blunder more than I now rue mine. Will you ever forgiveme?"
Reader, I forgave him at the moment and on the spot. There wassuch deep remorse in his eye, such true pity in his tone, suchmanly energy in his manner; and besides, there was such unchangedlove in his whole look and mien -- I forgave him all: yet not inwords, not outwardly; only at my heart's core.
"You know I am a scoundrel, Jane?" ere long he inquired wistfully-- wondering, I suppose, at my continued silence and tameness, theresult rather of weakness than of will.
"Yes, sir. "
"Then tell me so roundly and sharply -- don't spare me. "
"I cannot: I am tired and sick. I want some water. " He heaveda sort of shuddering sigh, and taking me in his arms, carried medownstairs. At first I did not know to what room he had borne me;all was cloudy to my glazed sight: presently I felt the revivingwarmth of a fire; for, summer as it was, I had become icy cold inmy chamber. He put wine to my lips; I tasted it and revived; thenI ate something he offered me, and was soon myself. I was in thelibrary -- sitting in his chair -- he was quite near. "If I couldgo out of life now, without too sharp a pang, it would be wellfor me, " I thought; "then I should not have to make the effort ofcracking my heart-strings in rending them from among Mr. Rochester's.I must leave him, it appears. I do not want to leave him -- Icannot leave him. "
"How are you now, Jane?"
"Much better, sir; I shall be well soon. "
"Taste the wine again, Jane. "
I obeyed him; then he put the glass on the table, stood before me,and looked at me attentively. Suddenly he turned away, with aninarticulate exclamation, full of passionate emotion of some kind;he walked fast through the room and came back; he stooped towardsme as if to kiss me; but I remembered caresses were now forbidden.I turned my face away and put his aside.
"What! -- How is this?" he exclaimed hastily. "Oh, I know! youwon't kiss the husband of Bertha Mason? You consider my arms filledand my embraces appropriated?"
"At any rate, there is neither room nor claim for me, sir. "
"Why, Jane? I will spare you the trouble of much talking; I willanswer for you -- Because I have a wife already, you would reply.-- I guess rightly?"
"Yes. "
"If you think so, you must have a strange opinion of me; you mustregard me as a plotting profligate -- a base and low rake whohas been simulating disinterested love in order to draw you intoa snare deliberately laid, and strip you of honour and rob you ofself- respect. What do you say to that? I see you can say nothingin the first place, you are faint still, and have enough to doto draw your breath; in the second place, you cannot yet accustomyourself to accuse and revile me, and besides, the flood-gates oftears are opened, and they would rush out if you spoke much; andyou have no desire to expostulate, to upbraid, to make a scene:you are thinking how TO ACT -- TALKING you consider is of no use.I know you -- I am on my guard. "
"Sir, I do not wish to act against you, " I said; and my unsteadyvoice warned me to curtail my sentence.
tellingher I am not married, and do not explain to her why. I forget sheknows nothing of!
"Not in your sense of the word, but in mine you are scheming todestroy me. You have as good as said that I am a married man --as a married man you will shun me, keep out of my way: just nowyou have refused to kiss me. You intend to make yourself a completestranger to me: to live under this roof only as Adele's governess;if ever I say a friendly word to you, if ever a friendly feelinginclines you again to me, you will say, -- 'That man had nearlymade me his mistress: I must be ice and rock to him;' and ice androck you will accordingly become. "
I cleared and steadied my voice to reply: "All is changed about me,sir; I must change too -- there is no doubt of that; and to avoidfluctuations of feeling, and continual combats with recollectionsand associations, there is only one way -- Adele must have a newgoverness, sir. "
tears. I suppose, then, your heart has been weeping blood?"hadsteeled your little pale face?
"Oh, Adele will go to school -- I have settled that already; nor doI mean to torment you with the hideous associations and recollectionsof Thornfield Hall -- this accursed place -- this tent of Achan --this insolent vault, offering the ghastliness of living death tothe light of the open sky -- this narrow stone hell, with its onereal fiend, worse than a legion of such as we imagine. Jane, youshall not stay here, nor will I. I was wrong ever to bring you toThornfield Hall, knowing as I did how it was haunted. I chargedthem to conceal from you, before I ever saw you, all knowledge ofthe curse of the place; merely because I feared Adele never wouldhave a governess to stay if she knew with what inmate she was housed,and my plans would not permit me to remove the maniac elsewhere --though I possess an old house, Ferndean Manor, even more retiredand hidden than this, where I could have lodged her safely enough,had not a scruple about the unhealthiness of the situation, in theheart of a wood, made my conscience recoil from the arrangement.Probably those damp walls would soon have eased me of her charge:but to each villain his own vice; and mine is not a tendency toindirect assassination, even of what I most hate.
"Concealing the mad-woman's neighbourhood from you, however, wassomething like covering a child with a cloak and laying it downnear a upas-tree: that demon's vicinage is poisoned, and alwayswas. But I'll shut up Thornfield Hall: I'll nail up the frontdoor and board the lower windows: I'll give Mrs. Poole two hundreda year to live here with MY WIFE, as you term that fearful hag:Grace will do much for money, and she shall have her son, the keeperat Grimsby Retreat, to bear her company and be at hand to give heraid in the paroxysms, when MY WIFE is prompted by her familiar toburn people in their beds at night, to stab them, to bitetheir flesh from their bones, and so on -- "
"Sir, " I interrupted him, "you are inexorable for that unfortunatelady: you speak of her with hate -- with vindictive antipathy.It is cruel -- she cannot help being mad. "
"Jane, my little darling (so I will call you, for so you are), youdon't know what you are talking about; you misjudge me again: itis not because she is mad I hate her. If you were mad, do youthink I should hate you?"
"I do indeed, sir. "
"Then you are mistaken, and you know nothing about me, and nothingabout the sort of love of which I am capable. Every atom of yourflesh is as dear to me as my own: in pain and sickness it wouldstill be dear. Your mind is my treasure, and if it were broken, itwould be my treasure still: if you raved, my arms should confineyou, and not a strait waistcoat -- your grasp, even in fury, wouldhave a charm for me: if you flew at me as wildly as that womandid this morning, I should receive you in an embrace, at least asfond as it would be restrictive. I should not shrink from you withdisgust as I did from her: in your quiet moments you should haveno watcher and no nurse but me; and I could hang over you withuntiring tenderness, though you gave me no smile in return; andnever weary of gazing into your eyes, though they had no longera ray of recognition for me. -- But why do I follow that train ofideas? I was talking of removing you from Thornfield. All, youknow, is prepared for prompt departure: to-morrow you shall go. Ionly ask you to endure one more night under this roof, Jane; andthen, farewell to its miseries and terrors for ever! I have aplace to repair to, which will be a secure sanctuary from hatefulreminiscences, from unwelcome intrusion -- even from falsehood andslander. "
"And take Adele with you, sir, " I interrupted; "she will be acompanion for you. "
"What do you mean, Jane? I told you I would send Adele to school;and what do I want with a child for a companion, and not my ownchild, -- a French dancer's bastard? Why do you importune me abouther! I say, why do you assign Adele to me for a companion?"
"You spoke of a retirement, sir; and retirement and solitude aredull: too dull for you. "
"Solitude! solitude!" he reiterated with irritation. "I see I mustcome to an explanation. I don't know what sphynx-like expressionis forming in your countenance. You are to share my solitude. Doyou understand?"
I shook my head: it required a degree of courage, excited as hewas becoming, even to risk that mute sign of dissent. He had beenwalking fast about the room, and he stopped, as if suddenly rootedto one spot. He looked at me long and hard: I turned my eyesfrom him, fixed them on the fire, and tried to assume and maintaina quiet, collected aspect.
"Now for the hitch in Jane's character, " he said at last, speakingmore calmly than from his look I had expected him to speak. "Thereel of silk has run smoothly enough so far; but I always knew therewould come a knot and a puzzle: here it is. Now for vexation,and exasperation, and endless trouble! By God! I long to exerta fraction of Samson's strength, and break the entanglement liketow!"
He recommenced his walk, but soon again stopped, and this time justbefore me.
"Jane! will you hear reason?" (he stooped and approached hislips to my ear); "because, if you won't, I'll try violence. " Hisvoice was hoarse; his look that of a man who is just about toburst an insufferable bond and plunge headlong into wild license.I saw that in another moment, and with one impetus of frenzy more,I should be able to do nothing with him. The present -- the passingsecond of time -- was all I had in which to control and restrainhim -- a movement of repulsion, flight, fear would have sealed mydoom, -- and his. But I was not afraid: not in the least. I feltan inward power; a sense of influence, which supported me. Thecrisis was perilous; but not without its charm: such as the Indian,perhaps, feels when he slips over the rapid in his canoe. I tookhold of his clenched hand, loosened the contorted fingers,and said to him, soothingly -
"Sit down; I'll talk to you as long as you like, and hear all youhave to say, whether reasonable or unreasonable. "
He sat down: but he did not get leave to speak directly. I hadbeen struggling with tears for some time: I had taken great painsto repress them, because I knew he would not like to see me weep.Now, however, I considered it well to let them flow as freelyand as long as they liked. If the flood annoyed him, so much thebetter. So I gave way and cried heartily.
Soon I heard him earnestly entreating me to be composed. I saidI could not while he was in such a passion.
"But I am not angry, Jane: I only love you too well; and you hadsteeled your little pale face with such a resolute, frozen look,I could not endure it. Hush, now, and wipe your eyes. "
His softened voice announced that he was subdued; so I, in myturn, became calm. Now he made an effort to rest his head on myshoulder, but I would not permit it. Then he would draw me to him:no.
"Jane! Jane!" he said, in such an accent of bitter sadness itthrilled along every nerve I had; "you don't love me, then? Itwas only my station, and the rank of my wife, that you valued? Nowthat you think me disqualified to become your husband, you recoilfrom my touch as if I were some toad or ape. "
These words cut me: yet what could I do or I say? I ought probablyto have done or said nothing; but I was so tortured by a sense ofremorse at thus hurting his feelings, I could not control the wishto drop balm where I had wounded.
"I DO love you, " I said, "more than ever: but I must not show orindulge the feeling: and this is the last time I must express it. "
"The last time, Jane! What! do you think you can live with me,and see me daily, and yet, if you still love me, be always coldand distant?"
"No, sir; that I am certain I could not; and therefore I see thereis but one way: but you will be furious if I mention it. "
"Oh, mention it! If I storm, you have the art of weeping. "
"Mr. Rochester, I must leave you. "
"For how long, Jane? For a few minutes, while you smooth yourhair -- which is somewhat dishevelled; and bathe your face -- whichlooks feverish?"
"I must leave Adele and Thornfield. I must part with you for mywhole life: I must begin a new existence among strange faces andstrange scenes. "
"Of course: I told you you should. I pass over the madness aboutparting from me. You mean you must become a part of me. As tothe new existence, it is all right: you shall yet be my wife: Iam not married. You shall be Mrs. Rochester -- both virtually andnominally. I shall keep only to you so long as you and I live. Youshall go to a place I have in the south of France: a whitewashedvilla on the shores of the Mediterranean. There you shall livea happy, and guarded, and most innocent life. Never fear that Iwish to lure you into error -- to make you my mistress. Why didyou shake your head? Jane, you must be reasonable, or in truth Ishall again become frantic. "
His voice and hand quivered: his large nostrils dilated; his eyeblazed: still I dared to speak.
"Sir, your wife is living: that is a fact acknowledged this morningby yourself. If I lived with you as you desire, I should then beyour mistress: to say otherwise is sophistical -- is false. "
"Jane, I am not a gentle-tempered man -- you forget that: I amnot long-enduring; I am not cool and dispassionate. Out of pity tome and yourself, put your finger on my pulse, feel how it throbs,and -- beware!"
He bared his wrist, and offered it to me: the blood was forsakinghis cheek and lips, they were growing livid; I was distressed on allhands. To agitate him thus deeply, by a resistance he so abhorred,was cruel: to yield was out of the question. I did what humanbeings do instinctively when they are driven to utter extremity --looked for aid to one higher than man: the words "God help me!"burst involuntarily from my lips.
"I am a fool!" cried Mr. Rochester suddenly. "I keep tellingher I am not married, and do not explain to her why. I forget sheknows nothing of the character of that woman, or of the circumstancesattending my infernal union with her. Oh, I am certain Jane willagree with me in opinion, when she knows all that I know! Just putyour hand in mine, Janet -- that I may have the evidence of touchas well as sight, to prove you are near me -- and I will in a fewwords show you the real state of the case. Can you listen to me?"
"Yes, sir; for hours if you will. "
"I ask only minutes. Jane, did you ever hear or know that I wasnot the eldest son of my house: that I had once a brother olderthan I?"
"I remember Mrs. Fairfax told me so once. "
"And did you ever hear that my father was an avaricious, graspingman?"
"I have understood something to that effect. "
been waiting foryou long, and listening: yet not one movement.
"Well, Jane, being so, it was his resolution to keep the propertytogether; he could not bear the idea of dividing his estateand leaving me a fair portion: all, he resolved, should go to mybrother, Rowland. Yet as little could he endure that a son of hisshould be a poor man. I must be provided for by a wealthy marriage.He sought me a partner betimes. Mr. Mason, a West India planter andmerchant, was his old acquaintance. He was certain his possessionswere real and vast: he made inquiries. Mr. Mason, he found, had ason and daughter; and he learned from him that he could and wouldgive the latter a fortune of thirty thousand pounds: that sufficed.When I left college, I was sent out to Jamaica, to espouse a bridealready courted for me. My father said nothing about her money;but he told me Miss Mason was the boast of Spanish Town for herbeauty: and this was no lie. I found her a fine woman, in thestyle of Blanche Ingram: tall, dark, and majestic. Her familywished to secure me because I was of a good race; and so did she.They showed her to me in parties, splendidly dressed. I seldomsaw her alone, and had very little private conversation with her.She flattered me, and lavishly displayed for my pleasure her charmsand accomplishments. All the men in her circle seemed to admire herand envy me. I was dazzled, stimulated: my senses were excited;and being ignorant, raw, and inexperienced, I thought I lovedher. There is no folly so besotted that the idiotic rivalries ofsociety, the prurience, the rashness, the blindness of youth, willnot hurry a man to its commission. Her relatives encouraged me;competitors piqued me; she allured me: a marriage was achievedalmost before I knew where I was. Oh, I have no respect for myselfwhen I think of that act! -- an agony of inward contempt mastersme. I never loved, I never esteemed, I did not even know her. Iwas not sure of the existence of one virtue in her nature: I hadmarked neither modesty, nor benevolence, nor candour, nor refinementin her mind or manners -- and, I married her:- gross, grovelling,mole-eyed blockhead that I was! With less sin I might have -- Butlet me remember to whom I am speaking. "