简.爱 英文版 Jane Eyre
夏洛蒂.勃朗特 Charlotte Bronte
CHAPTER VIII
Ere the half-hour ended, five o'clock struck; school was dismissed,and all were gone into the refectory to tea. I now ventured todescend: it was deep dusk; I retired into a corner and sat down onthe floor. The spell by which I had been so far supported beganto dissolve; reaction took place, and soon, so overwhelming was thegrief that seized me, I sank prostrate with my face to the ground.Now I wept: Helen Burns was not here; nothing sustained me; leftto myself I abandoned myself, and my tears watered the boards. Ihad meant to be so good, and to do so much at Lowood: to make somany friends, to earn respect and win affection. Already I hadmade visible progress: that very morning I had reached the headof my class; Miss Miller had praised me warmly; Miss Temple hadsmiled approbation; she had promised to teach me drawing, and tolet me learn French, if I continued to make similar improvement twomonths longer: and then I was well received by my fellow-pupils;treated as an equal by those of my own age, and not molested byany; now, here I lay again crushed and trodden on; and could I everrise more?
"Helen, why do you stay with a girl whom everybody believes to bea liar?"
"Everybody, Jane? Why, there are only eighty people who have heardyou called so, and the world contains hundreds of millions. "
"But what have I to do with millions? The eighty, I know, despiseme. "
"Jane, you are mistaken: probably not one in the school eitherdespises or dislikes you: many, I am sure, pity you much. "
"How can they pity me after what Mr. Brocklehurst has said?"
"Mr. Brocklehurst is not a god: nor is he even a great and admiredman: he is little liked here; he never took steps to make himselfliked. Had he treated you as an especial favourite, you wouldhave found enemies, declared or covert, all around you; as it is,the greater number would offer you sympathy if they dared. Teachersand pupils may look coldly on you for a day or two, but friendlyfeelings are concealed in their hearts; and if you persevere indoing well, these feelings will ere long appear so much the moreevidently for their temporary suppression. Besides, Jane" -- shepaused.
"Well, Helen?" said I, putting my hand into hers: shechafed my fingers gently to warm them, and went on -
"If all the world hated you, and believed you wicked, while yourown conscience approved you, and absolved you from guilt, you wouldnot be without friends. "
"No; I know I should think well of myself; but that is not enough:if others don't love me I would rather die than live -- I cannotbear to be solitary and hated, Helen. Look here; to gain somereal affection from you, or Miss Temple, or any other whom I trulylove, I would willingly submit to have the bone of my arm broken, orto let a bull toss me, or to stand behind a kicking horse,and let it dash its hoof at my chest -- "
"Hush, Jane! you think too much of the love of human beings; youare too impulsive, too vehement; the sovereign hand that createdyour frame, and put life into it, has provided you with otherresources than your feeble self, or than creatures feeble as you.Besides this earth, and besides the race of men, there is an invisibleworld and a kingdom of spirits: that world is round us, for it iseverywhere; and those spirits watch us, for they are commissionedto guard us; and if we were dying in pain and shame, if scorn smoteus on all sides, and hatred crushed us, angels see our tortures,recognise our innocence (if innocent we be: as I know you are ofthis charge which Mr. Brocklehurst has weakly and pompously repeatedat second-hand from Mrs. Reed; for I read a sincere nature inyour ardent eyes and on your clear front), and God waits only theseparation of spirit from flesh to crown us with a full reward.Why, then, should we ever sink overwhelmed with distress, when lifeis so soon over, and death is so certain an entrance to happiness-- to glory?"
I was silent; Helen had calmed me; but in the tranquillity sheimparted there was an alloy of inexpressible sadness. I felt theimpression of woe as she spoke, but I could not tell whence itcame; and when, having done speaking, she breathed a little fastand coughed a short cough, I momentarily forgot my own sorrows toyield to a vague concern for her.
Resting my head on Helen's shoulder, I put my arms round her waist;she drew me to her, and we reposed in silence. We had not sat longthus, when another person came in. Some heavy clouds, swept fromthe sky by a rising wind, had left the moon bare; and her light,streaming in through a window near, shone full both on us and onthe approaching figure, which we at once recognised as Miss Temple.
"I came on purpose to find you, Jane Eyre, " said she; "I want youin my room; and as Helen Burns is with you, she may come too. "
We went; following the superintendent's guidance, we had to threadsome intricate passages, and mount a staircase before we reachedher apartment; it contained a good fire, and looked cheerful. MissTemple told Helen Burns to be seated in a low arm-chair on oneside of the hearth, and herself taking another, she called me toher side.
"Is it all over?" she asked, looking down at my face. "Have youcried your grief away?"
"I am afraid I never shall do that. "
"Why?"
"Because I have been wrongly accused; and you, ma'am, and everybodyelse, will now think me wicked. "
"We shall think you what you prove yourself to be, my child.Continue to act as a good girl, and you will satisfy us. "
"Shall I, Miss Temple?"
"You will, " said she, passing her arm round me. "And now tell mewho is the lady whom Mr. Brocklehurst called your benefactress?"
"Mrs. Reed, my uncle's wife. My uncle is dead, and he left me toher care. "
"Did she not, then, adopt you of her own accord?"
Brocklehurst called your benefactress?"emotion, my language .
"No, ma'am; she was sorry to have to do it: but my uncle, asI have often heard the servants say, got her to promise before hedied that she would always keep me. "
"Well now, Jane, you know, or at least I will tell you, that whena criminal is accused, he is always allowed to speak in his owndefence. You have been charged with falsehood; defend yourself tome as well as you can. Say whatever your memory suggests is true;but add nothing and exaggerate nothing. "
I resolved, in the depth of my heart, that I would be most moderate-- most correct; and, having reflected a few minutes in orderto arrange coherently what I had to say, I told her all the storyof my sad childhood. Exhausted by emotion, my language was moresubdued than it generally was when it developed that sad theme; andmindful of Helen's warnings against the indulgence of resentment,I infused into the narrative far less of gall and wormwood thanordinary. Thus restrained and simplified, it sounded more credible:I felt as I went on that Miss Temple fully believed me.
In the course of the tale I had mentioned Mr. Lloyd as having cometo see me after the fit: for I never forgot the, to me, frightfulepisode of the red-room: in detailing which, my excitement wassure, in some degree, to break bounds; for nothing could softenin my recollection the spasm of agony which clutched my heart whenMrs. Reed spurned my wild supplication for pardon, and locked mea second time in the dark and haunted chamber.
I had finished: Miss Temple regarded me a few minutesin silence; she then said -
"I know something of Mr. Lloyd; I shall write to him; if his replyagrees with your statement, you shall be publicly cleared fromevery imputation; to me, Jane, you are clear now. "
She kissed me, and still keeping me at her side (where I was wellcontented to stand, for I derived a child's pleasure from thecontemplation of her face, her dress, her one or two ornaments, herwhite forehead, her clustered and shining curls, and beaming darkeyes), she proceeded to address Helen Burns.
"How are you to-night, Helen? Have you coughed much to-day?"
"Not quite so much, I think, ma'am. "
"And the pain in your chest?"
uncle, asI have often heard the servants.
"It is a little better. "
Miss Temple got up, took her hand and examined her pulse; thenshe returned to her own seat: as she resumed it, I heard her sighlow. She was pensive a few minutes, then rousing herself,she said cheerfully -
"But you two are my visitors to-night; I must treat you as such. "She rang her bell.
"Barbara, " she said to the servant who answered it, "I have not yethad tea; bring the tray and place cups for these two young ladies. "
And a tray was soon brought. How pretty, to my eyes, did the chinacups and bright teapot look, placed on the little round table nearthe fire! How fragrant was the steam of the beverage, and thescent of the toast! of which, however, I, to my dismay (for I wasbeginning to be hungry) discerned only a very small portion: MissTemple discerned it too.
"Barbara, " said she, "can you not bring a little more bread andbutter? There is not enough for three. "
and Helen, which it was indeed a privilege to be admittedto hear.examined.
Barbara went out: she returned soon -
"Madam, Mrs. Harden says she has sent up the usual quantity. "
Mrs. Harden, be it observed, was the housekeeper: a woman afterMr. Brocklehurst's own heart, made up of equal parts of whaleboneand iron.
"Oh, very well!" returned Miss Temple; "we must make it do,Barbara, I suppose. " And as the girl withdrew she added, smiling,"Fortunately, I have it in my power to supply deficiencies for thisonce. "
Having invited Helen and me to approach the table, and placedbefore each of us a cup of tea with one delicious but thin morselof toast, she got up, unlocked a drawer, and taking from it a parcelwrapped in paper, disclosed presently to our eyes a good-sizedseed-cake.
"I meant to give each of you some of this to take with you, " saidshe, "but as there is so little toast, you must have it now, " andshe proceeded to cut slices with a generous hand.
We feasted that evening as on nectar and ambrosia; and not theleast delight of the entertainment was the smile of gratificationwith which our hostess regarded us, as we satisfied our famishedappetites on the delicate fare she liberally supplied.
Tea over and the tray removed, she again summoned us to the fire;we sat one on each side of her, and now a conversation followedbetween her and Helen, which it was indeed a privilege to be admittedto hear.
Miss Temple had always something of serenity in her air, of statein her mien, of refined propriety in her language, which precludeddeviation into the ardent, the excited, the eager: something whichchastened the pleasure of those who looked on her and listened toher, by a controlling sense of awe; and such was my feeling now:but as to Helen Burns, I was struck with wonder.
The refreshing meal, the brilliant fire, the presence and kindnessof her beloved instructress, or, perhaps, more than all these,something in her own unique mind, had roused her powers withinher. They woke, they kindled: first, they glowed in the brighttint of her cheek, which till this hour I had never seen but paleand bloodless; then they shone in the liquid lustre of her eyes,which had suddenly acquired a beauty more singular than that ofMiss Temple's -- a beauty neither of fine colour nor long eyelash,nor pencilled brow, but of meaning, of movement, of radiance. Thenher soul sat on her lips, and language flowed, from what source Icannot tell. Has a girl of fourteen a heart large enough, vigorousenough, to hold the swelling spring of pure, full, fervid eloquence?Such was the characteristic of Helen's discourse on that, to me,memorable evening; her spirit seemed hastening to live within avery brief span as much as many live during a protracted existence.
They conversed of things I had never heard of; of nations and timespast; of countries far away; of secrets of nature discovered orguessed at: they spoke of books: how many they had read! Whatstores of knowledge they possessed! Then they seemed so familiarwith French names and French authors: but my amazement reachedits climax when Miss Temple asked Helen if she sometimes snatcheda moment to recall the Latin her father had taught her, and takinga book from a shelf, bade her read and construe a page of Virgil;and Helen obeyed, my organ of veneration expanding at every soundingline. She had scarcely finished ere the bell announced bedtime!no delay could be admitted; Miss Temple embraced us both,saying, as she drew us to her heart -
"God bless you, my children!"
Helen she held a little longer than me: she let her go morereluctantly; it was Helen her eye followed to the door; it was forher she a second time breathed a sad sigh; for her she wiped a tearfrom her cheek.
On reaching the bedroom, we heard the voice of Miss Scatcherd: shewas examining drawers; she had just pulled out Helen Burns's, andwhen we entered Helen was greeted with a sharp reprimand, and toldthat to-morrow she should have half-a-dozen of untidily foldedarticles pinned to her shoulder.
"My things were indeed in shameful disorder, " murmured Helen to me,in a low voice: "I intended to have arranged them, but I forgot. "
Next morning, Miss Scatcherd wrote in conspicuous characters on a pieceof pasteboard the word "Slattern, " and bound it like a phylacteryround Helen's large, mild, intelligent, and benign- looking forehead.She wore it till evening, patient, unresentful, regarding it asa deserved punishment. The moment Miss Scatcherd withdrew afterafternoon school, I ran to Helen, tore it off, and thrust it intothe fire: the fury of which she was incapable had been burningin my soul all day, and tears, hot and large, had continually beenscalding my cheek; for the spectacle of her sad resignation gaveme an intolerable pain at the heart.
About a week subsequently to the incidents above narrated, MissTemple, who had written to Mr. Lloyd, received his answer: itappeared that what he said went to corroborate my account. MissTemple, having assembled the whole school, announced that inquiryhad been made into the charges alleged against Jane Eyre, and thatshe was most happy to be able to pronounce her completely clearedfrom every imputation. The teachers then shook hands with me andkissed me, and a murmur of pleasure ran through the ranks of mycompanions.
Thus relieved of a grievous load, I from that hour set to workafresh, resolved to pioneer my way through every difficulty: Itoiled hard, and my success was proportionate to my efforts; mymemory, not naturally tenacious, improved with practice; exercisesharpened my wits; in a few weeks I was promoted to a higher class;in less than two months I was allowed to commence French and drawing.I learned the first two tenses of the verb ETRE, and sketched myfirst cottage (whose walls, by-the-bye, outrivalled in slope those ofthe leaning tower of Pisa), on the same day. That night, on goingto bed, I forgot to prepare in imagination the Barmecide supper ofhot roast potatoes, or white bread and new milk, with which I waswont to amuse my inward cravings: I feasted instead on the spectacleof ideal drawings, which I saw in the dark; all the work of my ownhands: freely pencilled houses and trees, picturesque rocks andruins, Cuyp-like groups of cattle, sweet paintings of butterflieshovering over unblown roses, of birds picking at ripe cherries, ofwren's nests enclosing pearl-like eggs, wreathed about with youngivy sprays. I examined, too, in thought, the possibility ofmy ever being able to translate currently a certain little Frenchstory which Madame Pierrot had that day shown me; nor was thatproblem solved to my satisfaction ere I fell sweetly asleep.
Well has Solomon said -- "Better is a dinner of herbs where loveis, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith. "
I would not now have exchanged Lowood with all its privations forGateshead and its daily luxuries.